January 26, 2007
time-lapse photography (sort of) and a random, but pressing, question
as requested friends, here are some visual aids:
some pictures of me in college and after-- notice the decidedly curly hair:
and here i am now, as of about 5 minutes ago -- without any chemical or thermal attempts to straighten my hair.
lo and behold:
bizarre, no?
***
and on a completely unrelated note, who decided it's a good idea to have outdoor subway stops? it was 9 freaking degrees today, and with the wind chill, it was -10. i lost all feeling in my toes waiting for a couple of trains on the way home today, and when i finally got to my stop and tried to walk home, my toes were so cold and numb that it hurt to walk. every step was torture. i started to really empathize with reinhold messner, the world-famous mountain-climber extraordinaire (i read a long story about him in national geographic recently).
honestly people, outdoor subway stops? couldn't we have come up something a little better when designing the best public transit system in america?
January 16, 2007
vanity/sanity
well, friends, it's time for a sad and strange story about my hair. that's right, my hair.
so, my hair was straight until i was about 15. all i did was wash and it brush it, and it laid flat. it was manageable, pretty hair. but when i turned 15, puberty hit me hard -- that year, i gained 30 pounds, grew 4 inches, and discovered a lot of body hair (thus disproving my sisters' suspicions that i was adopted, and confirming that i am, in fact, persian). also, my hair curled. of course, i didn't know it was happening for a long time. i just thought my hair had suddenly become frizzy and started misbehaving. i was doing all the things i had normally done -- washed it, brushed it, trimmed it every month or 2. but my hair was getting really unmanageable and i didn't know what to do with it. finally, one day, my older sister atoosa came into my room when i was getting ready to go somewhere. my hair was still wet from the shower and i hadn't started trying to tame it yet. she looked at me and said, "nas, your hair is curly." it was like a revelation. suddenly, everything made sense. i wasn't necessarily happy about my new hair state, but at least now i was armed with knowledge.
apparently, a change in the texture and style of hair is not uncommon during puberty -- the hormonal change causes it. atoosa had also had straight hair that curled when she was about 14-15. over the years, i've discovered that many persian girls i know have also experienced the same phenomenon. and so did greg. though he's neither persian, nor a girl -- but still.
so, after discovering my new-found hair state, i cut off sevearl inches of hair, so that all my old hair was gone and only my newly-grown-in, spiral-curled hair was left. i also spent the next year or 2 trying every styling product on the market, experimenting with different drying methods, and different hairdos. by the time i graduated highschool, i thought i had finally figured out my hair. and i had come to accept it. of course, i would still curse my unruly mop -- especially in public. for instance, people would often ask me if my curls were natural. i would usually answer with something like "do you think i would do this to myself willingly?" sometimes, people with straight hair would tell me they loved my hair. my response was always "wanna trade?"
but really, i was reasonably happy. my hair was my hair. it was a part of me. it behaved fairly well, and i always got compliments on it. i grew to like it. and as i got older, i really got used to looking in the mirror and seeing my curly hair. it became an integral part of the physical image i had of myself and that others had of me. when people described me, they would say, "you know, naseem. she has curly black hair..."
i thought that my curly hair had come to stay, and i because i got used to it in my formative years, i think it somehow became part of my permanent physical self-image. but something very strange has happened over the past year or so. last fall, when i started law school, i noticed that a few shorter pieces of my hair in front had started behaving very strangely, going almost completely striaght. i thought maybe it was just stress and hormones, and didn't worry much about it. i figured everything would normalize.
but as i kept getting my hair trimmed over the past year and half, my hair was getting less and less curly. i thought maybe it was because my hair has been pretty long since i started law school -- longer than i've ever had it. so i figured it was just being weighed down. so finally, when i was in dallas over winter break, i cut off 4 more inches. i hoped this would restore the spirals that i had grown so used to.
but low and behold, my hair is no longer curly at all. i think i cut off the last of my old curls. now, my hair is just wavy, with some very loose, big curls scattered throughout. and if i pull it back when it's wet, and then i take it out once it's dry, it's pretty much straight. it's still frizzy, but it's straight. this month, i ran a brush through my hair for the first time in almost 10 years. it was such a strange feeling.
every time i look in the mirror now, i look strange to myself. i almost feel like i'm looking at someone else, and not myself. and whenever my friends and family see me, i look strange to them. when i was in dallas, after i cut my hair, everyone who would see me would go, "woah! did you straighten your hair? you look so different. what happened?"
...i know this whole story has included a lot of useless details about the evolution of my hair that most people wouldn't care to know. i also know it seems really vain to be bothered by this. but i just can't help it. i'm really bothered. i feel like the image i've had of myself for a long time, including all of my adult life thus far, has been disturbed. it's like a part of my body has been replaced.
it's not just getting used to dealing with a new kind of hair again -- i can handle the logistics. it's more that i just don't look like myself and it's freaking me out. maybe this a new test of detachment for me. apparently, i not only have to be detached from what i *want* to look like physically, but also what i'm used to looking like, and what i think i'm supposed to look like. i guess this, like everything else, is not in my hands. and as usual, i need to chill.
January 02, 2007
this earthly plane
i've been out of touch the last couple of weeks. a lot has happened, and yet not a lot has happened.
i finished exams, came back to texas, hung out with family and friends, and attempted to get some sleep (often unsuccessfully). it has been nice to be back and relax a little bit -- sometimes, it can be really exhausting to live in new york, and it's good to be in a place where i can just get in the car and go to super walmart. of course, i go crazy after a few weeks in such a place, so it works out nicely when winter break ends and i go back to the city. but generally, it's been good to go to weddings, dinner parties, and outings with family and family friends and be surrounded by love and warmth -- it's always so nice to come home. so that about sums up the "not a lot" that has been happening.
the "a lot" that has been happening is that my grandmother passed away at about 3am this morning. i'm so happy for her.
we all drove down to austin to see her last week and say our last goodbyes because we knew the end was near. i've blogged about my grandma before. she's been begging God to take her for years now, because she has been suffering from so many bodily ailments -- she's been in so much pain and has had such a difficult time just trying to exist on this physical plane. and she's been longing to join her sisters who have passed away in the past few years.
and now she is free. she has burst forth from her physical cage and her soul is winging its flight to the next world. i know she is profoundly happy, and i'm happy for her. and she and i are going to be closer now than we ever were before, since age, health, and language -- the barriers that stood between us in this physical world -- have disappeared. now our souls can communicate fully and effortlessly, and she will always be there when i need her.
momony has been such a big part of my life. she lived with us when i was little, which is why i learned to speak persian before i learned to speak english. when i got a bit older and we moved away, she used to come visit us, and she and i would go for walks and tell each other stories. when i was a teenager, and i started looking for my roots, she would tell me about her life in iran, growing up in the village... about how she was the daughter of a well-known doctor in the jewish community, how her jewish family created quite the scandal when they became bahais, and how she married a bahai who had converted from islam -- which was really the ultimate scandal, since back then, jews and muslims never married each other, even if they were all bahais by that point. she had lived for almost a century -- we were never quite sure how old she was, because no one kept track of girls' birthdays when she was born, but we think she was somewhere in her 90s. she had seen two world wars, a revolution in her homeland, the brutal persecution of her people, and the promises of a new life in america. she had seen so much and had such a difficult, beautiful, and interesting life. and she has always loved me and been so sweet and kind to me.
i will miss her, but i'm grateful that, in my faith, i was never taught to be afraid of death. i was raised to view death as an essential step in the life of the soul and to appreciate it -- to never feel sorry for those who have passed,but only to pray that those who are still living can find comfort despite the absence of their loved ones. we grieve for ourselves, because we miss the ones we love. we have no reason to grieve for those who have left this earthly plane and found more joy than we can even imagine.
so now we will come together, we will celebrate her life, we will notice the bits and pieces of her that are in each of us, and we will pray for the progress of her soul through all the worlds of God. and she will be with us always.
O SON OF THE SUPREME!
I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom?
~ Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words
O My servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain.
~ Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 329