like a fish needs a bicycle...

ties that bind

last night i talked to my cousin ariah. i haven't seen him in 7 years. until last night, i hadn't heard his voice in 5 years. we'd exchanged sporadic e-mails, but not seen or spoken to each other. over the years, i would sometimes realize how much i missed him. but mostly, i would just think of him and pray for him.

it's strange to grow up with someone, to be attached to someone at the hip until you're 14, and then suddenly lose your physical connection to that person -- especially when neither of you can do anything about that loss. the bond we had, of course, ran deeper than the physical plane -- it was there then, and it still is now. but there's a sweetness in sharing life with someone who shares your blood and your spirit. and sometimes, i would cry just thinking about how we were missing out on that.

i have only sisters. ariah was the closest thing i ever had to a brother. he was my male playmate and confidant. we shared our childhood, and we grew up together. lately, i had been thinking about how we're both still growing up, but we're not getting to grow up together anymore.

but last night he called me. and we talked for a long time. we remembered how we would eat cereal together as kids... how he would make me watch heman with him, and then i would make him watch shera with me... how we were both obsessed with transformers... how we used to build forts and tents.

we talked about our lives... how we're growing and changing... what our dreams are for the future... how we're both doing in law school... how we're the same people we always were, even if we haven't seen each other for a long time... and how much we love each other.

it's amazing for me to see what a beautiful human being he is. he's had so much to deal with in his life and he's been through so much. and yet, he's so resilient, and so loving, and so happy. talking to him makes me appreciate life and the nobility of God's creation. i feel so blessed that we've reconnected.

and as of last night, we've decided to keep growing up together. i can't wait.

one of those nights

so tonight i had one of those little interactions that restored my faith in humanity.

my friend and i had gone to pick up salads after our study session, and when i opened my wallet to pay, i realized one of my credit cards wasn't there. so i did what i often do -- i had a minor internal freakout, but displayed no external signs. i walked back to my room, put down my salad and backpack, and started going through my stuff. i emptied my wallet completely, went through my backpack and my purses, looked through all my jeans. nothing. i thought calmly back to the last time i used that card, and i realized it was 2 nights ago. that would leave plenty of time for someone to go on a shopping spree with my card -- but i hadn't gotten any phone calls from my credit card company since then.

i remembered where i used my card 2 nights ago. one of my friends and i left the library around 11pm the other night to get snacks and drinks at the corner store. so i looked in my wallet and, sure enough, there was the receipt from the store for my animal crackers and yoohoo. i wondered why i would've put my receipt in my wallet, but not my card -- especially since my friend was with me and you'd think she would've noticed if i'd left my card on the counter. so i got online and checked my account activity -- nothing since that transaction at the corner store. slightly relieved, but sitll confused, i went down to the corner store and asked if i had left my card there.

the nice old asian man behind the counter smiled and asked me what it looked like. i just showed him my license and told him to check the name. he pulled my card out from behind the counter and compared it against my card, and after struggling with my name for a little while, he said "ah, kourosh" and handed my card back to me. i smiled, thanked him, and walked home.

walking back, i thought about how disastrous it could've been if someone had stolen my card. my exams start in 5 days, so now would've been a pretty horrendous time to deal with a fiasco like that. i also thought about the chances of recovering my credit card after leaving it at a busy corner store in one of the most crowded parts of one of the biggest cities in the world -- a city that's notorious for street theft. and yet, there it was, 2 days later, being handed back to me politely by a sweet old man.

tonight is one of those nights where i feel slightly better about the human race. seeing some people treat each other as they're supposed to gives me hope that we can all do that someday. that feeling and that hope are definitely welcome in a stressful time like this.

5 questions

Q: on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does naseem hate property as a subject?
A: 14

Q: on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does naseem hate estates law in particular?
A: 19

Q: on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does naseem resent her property professor for assigning *way* too much reading, explaining nothing, and giving the class a closed-book exam, all the while being absurdly well-groomed and constantly making clever and snappy property-related comments in class?
A: 15

Q: on a scale of 1 to 10, how scared of her property exam is naseem?
A: 28

Q: on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do whiny blog posts increase naseem's understanding of property law?
A: -4

music/muzak

so i just heard this really interesting story on NPR about music and muzak being present in every public place in the western world. they were interviewing julian lloyd weber, who is the brother of the famous broadway producer, andrew lloyd weber. he's a musician, and he was talking about how some people in the UK (no idea who -- i think i missed that part) did a study and found out that people in heathrow airport actually don't like having music blasted at them over the airport speakers all the time. so they just stopped playing music there. it was amazing. julian just kept expressing, in his adorable british accent, his indignation and shock that everyone would think that there always has to be music playing everywhere ("why?! why do we need it?!").

i've personally wondered why there's always music playing everywhere too. it just seems so unnecessary. and it's an imposition -- what if that's not the kind of music i want to listen to? what if they kind of music i want to listen to is not the kind someone else wants to listen to? there's no possible way to please everyone when choosing music, so silence seems the best option.

of course, as i was mentally agreeing with julian, the president of the muzak corporation (or some similarly generically-named entity that distributes muzak) chimed in. (needless to say i have no recollection of his name, which is fine with me -- why anyone would make it their life's work to proliferate muzak is beyond me anyway). he was saying how in retail establishments that had no music playing, there was a "screaming silence." attempts at poetics notwithstanding, this seems a little silly to me. why is silence so freaking uncomfortable? why must there always be noise? is it because people will be forced to look at each other and converse with each other, or perhaps even be alone with their own thoughts? and more to the point, if there MUST be some auditory distraction everywhere you go, doesn't muzak seem the worst choice for performing that function? who decided that was a good idea?

as the conversation progressed, the host was talking about how they always play vivaldi in penn station in new york, and he played a sample of it on the air. at this point, some other british guy with a cute accent jumped in and started talking about how playing classical music in the london underground actually prevents vandalism. they found that vandals don't frequent the tube stops as much when there is classical music playing -- it's so bad it's a petty crime deterrent. isn't that interesting?

anyway, it was just a really interesting 5 minute segment and it reminded me of a lot of questions i've always had about the prevlaence, volume, and genre of the music that we are bombarded with everywhere. so i thought i'd share.

here comes the sun!

spring is here in NYC! the sun is out, the sky is clear, the air is fresh... and it's gonna be 71 degrees today! i busted out the flip-flops and i'm not going back!

on self and politicking

it's truly amazing to me how people who seem to be really cool people, people of substance, people with passion and vision, can so easily dispense with their principles whenever and wherever their self-interest is concerned. it's like any semblance of integrity that they had is so easily sacrificed in the path of their own self-promotion... which begs the question: what is there left to protect or promote if you don't have anything you stand by?

i'm frightened. frightened that this is so rampant, frightened that i'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life, and frightened that i might one day turn into one of those people, if presented with the right circumstances. i shudder to think that one day -- at school, in the office, wherever -- i could find myself in that strange position where everything i do and say is colored by how i think people will perceive me and how that will affect my chances of getting what it is what it is that i want. i can just see it now: carefully crafting my social interactions, maneuvering through every conversation, playing to people's interpersonal politics, being disingenous, subversive, and dishonest -- all with the self-interested end in sight, all the while rationalizing to myself (and others, if necessary) that i'm not technically breaking any rules and i'm within my rights.

what will i then have become? what "self" will be left to be interested in? i'll have become an undifferentiated, amorphous form with no structure, substance, or unifying principle. much like kierkegaard's aesthetic man, my life would ultimately be meaningless.

i will hope, pray, and strive to never become that person. in the meantime, i think i'll be sufficiently busy trying to figure out (1) how next time around, i can avoid being the victim of other people's dispensable ethics... (2) how i can learn to expect nothing of people so i'm not disappointed as often, without turning into a total pessimist, and (3) how i can avoid feeling so defeated by the fact that people can so quickly, easily, and tangibly create injustice.

sleep to dream

"i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream."
-- fiona apple

i think my sleep has never been so disturbed as it has been in the last 8 months or so. but law school has done lots of other unprecendented things to me, so i suppose it's not too surprising...

it used to be that no matter how preoccupied, upset, or depressed i was, i could sleep easily. no matter how anxious i was, how busy i was, how much i had left to do, i could sleep easily. even when was i was grieving for loved ones, i could sleep easily. sleep was my refuge. i never slept excessively, but i always slept enough and i slept well, and sleep was what helped me recover from and/or get through whatever it was i dealing with. sleep was functional. when i first heard fiona apple say that she doesn't sleep to dream, i thought that was so poetic. i don't either. i sleep to live -- hopefully to live well.

but these days, my sleeping is not exactly conducive to living. these days, it's often the case that even when i'm completely exhausted -- so much so that my body aches and i can't think clearly -- i lay in bed for 30 minutes, thinking and worrying, before i can fall asleep. and then in the morning, i sleep through several alarms without any recollection of even hearing an alarm, much less turning one off. sometimes, in the morning, or even when i take naps in the afternoon, i wake up completely panicked and disoriented -- i sit straight up in bed and struggle to remember what day it is, what time it is, if there's somewhere i need to be at that moment, if i slept through something i was supposed to be at, or if i slept so long that i won't have enough time to meet some deadline for class. it's a novel experience, and it's not pleasant.

it's strange, because i really am a generally happy person. i've been busy, overextended, and exhausted most of my life, and i've always been happy being that way. i don't really know how to be any other way. of course, everything is a matter of degree, and i'm far more busy, overextended, and exhausted than i've ever been. still, i'm happy. i'm genuinely grateful for my life and i like living it. so i'm not sure why such a basic element of my physical existence has been so adversely impacted, and why i'm dealing with that much more anxiety because of it.

since september, i've been trying to master my schedule... to sleep normal hours, work out regularly, eat reasonably well. thus far, i've failed miserably. i suppose it's some consolation that most everyone else i know here has also failed miserably. i think such is the first year. maybe i'll do better next year.

for now, i'd settle for just sleeping well.