like a fish needs a bicycle...

fight the man, part II

sometimes, people's blindness truly baffles me. so many people live in ignorance -- some of it may be unintentional, but some of it, i'm convinced, is absolutely deliberate. the really interesting part is that so many of the people who are completely ignorant of the plight of their fellow human beings, the human beings who sit next to them everyday in class, are law students. how can i be at one of the top law schools in the country, surrounded by intelligent, educated people, and still be slapped in the face every day by people's ignorance?

i'm always a little sad when i find out that people i know -- people who had thus far seemed like cool, socially aware people -- think that racial and ethnic minorities are not discriminated against anymore, that the students of color on campus have the same experience as the white students, that when students of color organizations want to support each other, it "just segregation and reverse discrimination." i just can't help but lose respect for these people.

how can anyone in their right mind believe that racial and ethnic minorities are now being treated equally in america -- on an institutional or social level? how can anyone with a rational faculty think that when students of color go to class everyday, legal issues that pertain to them are given equal treatment as those that pertain to white middle/upper clas america? how can smart people believe that students of color are allowed to make comments with the same impunity as white students, without fearing that white students will brand their comments as representative of their entire minority race?

how can people at this law school -- supposedly one of the most progressive and liberal in america -- really believe that if students of color organizations want to come together and form a space on campus (just one room!) where they can keep their organizations' files and equipment, and just chill with each other -- a room that would be open to everyone, white students and students of color alike -- that it would be discriminatory?

don't they realize that our school is 75% white, so every space that exists in the law school right now is already, de facto, a white student space? don't they realize that the very existence of any organization -- any organization -- in some way makes that organization exclusionary to some degree? students of color can have their own organizations with their own listserves and activities. why are they allowed to have cyberspace that's "exclusionary" or temporary real space that's exclusionary, but not permanent real space that's "exclusionary?" the truth is that none of these phenomena is actually exclusionary -- white students can join the listserves and attend the activities of students of color organizations, and they would most certainly be welcome in a students of color space as well.

just like students of color can most certainly join listserves and go to activities of "mainstream" organizations, and they can even go to class or just hang out in the law school -- of course, students of color are still the minority in all these scenarios. but they're welcome to do these things. similarly, white students would be welcome in a students of color space. they would just the be the statistical minority for once.

God forbid that should happen. that would just be too painful of an experience, too discriminatory. they would suddenly realize that most people in the room have a different complexion from them. they might feel that they had had a different experience growing up than everyone else in the room has had. they might even venture to guess that the people of color in the room might be making unfair assumptions about them, since the number of white people that those people of color in the room had interacted with was just a fraction of the number of other people of color that they'd interacted with. it would just be to uncomfortable, too difficult.

wait, no it wouldn't.

that's right -- we live in the real world. the real america. where people of color are always the minority, where they always interact with white people, where they have white friends and realize that not all white people are the same. so more likely, what would happen is that white students who came into that space would be treated just like everyone else in that space. they would be respected and listened to. and students of color would appreciate that they made the effort to be there. so even if the white students were the numerical minority in that room, they still would never have the same experience as racial minorities in america... although they might to get hear some really interesting things about minority experiences that they'd never get to hear in class.

but wait, some of them say... "how can you have a students of color space? what about women and LGBT people -- they're minorities too, don't they deserve a space?" well, they're welcome to have spaces on campus if they want them, too. but, the fact is that some big corporate law firm accidentally made a public racist feaux pas, and to make amends, they paid the NYU student organizations a bunch of money for diversity programming. that's just how the chips fell. if women and LGBT students want their own spaces, they're free to pursue those avenues. but as students of color, we were given that money and we're tying to use it for a good cause... we've already started a minority student scholarship fund, and hopefully, we can have a students of color space on campus too.

it's already kind of silly that we have to be pushing so hard for this ourselves. many many school across the country, my undergraduate institution (hook 'em horns!) and NYU undergrad included, have institutionally-sponsored, adminstration-run, well-funded offices for students of color and diversity programming. but not only does NYU law refuse to create such a space for us and provide those resources, they won't even allow us to create it ourselves.

the administration just won't let us. and many of the white students don't want to let us either. the administration wants us to relax, not do anything important, not try to create any kind of lasting infrastructure. "just have a big dinner," they say. "blow the thousands of dollars you've been given on food, and then afterwards, put on a big show full of ethnic performances for all the white students on campus."

great idea! should we get our own monkey suits too, or can you provide those?

good lord.

what is wrong with people? how can white people look me in the eye and tell me they know what black, latino, asian, and middle eastern people are feeling, thinking, and experiencing every day? how can they have the audacity to say that students of color don't need this space? how can they, fully aware of the dark history of this country and the continuing legacy of racism, confidently declare that a students of color space is unnecessary and exclusionary, and that it would discriminate against white people?

you people, you "intelligent" individuals who make these bold statements -- you are "the man." you fancy yourselves enlightened, political, progressive; you think that you are changing things in your own way, that you're making your mark. you think that you're revolutionary. you think that you're fighting the man. but how can that be? you *are* the man. you are part of that slow, cumbersome, bureaucratic, prejudiced, oppressive, and ignorant mass that is the primary instrument of the man. you are nothing but a tool. and you thrive on ignorance.

***

i always thought ignorance was a curse of the deprived. but now i see that ignorance is a consistent feature of many who have been given every advantage in life -- and it's often embraced, cultivated, and purposefully maintained by these people. they cling to it tenaciously, and spout it defensively.

ignorance, it seems, is just another gift of privilege.

oh, how they grow up...

everyone who knows me knows i'm enamored of my nephews.

they are, quite possibly, the cutest children in the world. what can i say, persian and japanese is a good mix. really, though, they're fabulous kids. and they used to be quite enamored of me too. vahid is only 6, and he still thinks i'm pretty great. husayn, however, will turn 10 in about a week. i think he's getting too cool for his khaleh naseem.

tonight, i called to talk to them. my sister answered the phone, and then she asked the boys "who wants to talk to khaleh naseem?" in the background, i heard the television, and then i heard husayn say "not me."

*sigh.*

of course, he did talk to me, and we had a nice chat about school, violin, and his upcoming birthday party. but i don't think he was too excited about talking to me.

it just makes me sad... :-(

ummmm...

"Surely God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroyed and put stress on this country..."

"Surely he doesn't approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely he is upset at black America also. We're not taking care of ourselves."

"It's time for us to come together. It's time for us to rebuild New Orleans - the one that should be a chocolate New Orleans... It's the way God wants it to be."

- Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans

reality check

people usually think i'm smart. they expect that i'll do really well -- in school, in my career, in life. they often make comments to that effect. if i didn't do well -- in anything -- a lot of people would be surprised and then try in vain to console me.

the fact is that i don't always do well. actually, i often feel like i'm making futile attempts to climb my way out of the abyss of mediocrity. and when i make a poor showing and i know that i expect better of myself, my intellectual/academic self-image takes a blow. sadly, the damage is only compounded by the fact that people who know me and love me expect better of me as well.

in elementary school, most kids figure out that there are 2 kinds of girls: smart girls and pretty girls. and there's no such thing as a girl who's pretty and smart. the parallel doesn't necessarily hold true for boys -- there can be smart and good-looking boys. but generally, as we grow up, it seems that it's more important for boys to be smart and for girls to be pretty.

i was always a smart girl. that was my niche. i excelled in everything, without much effort applied, up until high school. that's when i started to not be good at certain subjects, and to have to try harder to excel. i was still considered smart, i still considered myself pretty intelligent, but i started realizing that i wasn't that impressive.

the older i got, and the greater the pool of my peers became, the more i felt unimpressive, mediocre, and inadequate. my honors program in college was full of people who understood things better than i did, who had better insights and contributions than i did, and who did more valuable things for the world than i ever did. since i've come to law school, that feeling has increased exponentially.

needless to say, this is jarring. considering that very basic parts of my self-image and personality are predicated upon the notion that i'm an intelligent and capable person, facing realities that i'm at least comparatively unintelligent and incapable of many important things can be quite difficult. every time something happens -- i get a less-than-impressive grade back, i get a rejection letter from a scholarship, i don't get offered an internship -- i have a minor crisis. i doubt my own ability to do anything worthwhile with my education and my career, and i wonder what's happening to the person i thought i was. where is that smart girl i used to be?

all of this is complicated by the fact that i believe law is one of the few areas (or perhaps the only area) that i still have real potential in. i could never ever have a serious career in anything science or math related due to sheer ineptitude, i could never be in academia due to its matchless ability to produce obnoxious people and irritate/bore me to death, and i can't conceive of any other profession in which i would actually feel like i was serving humanity. sometime in college, i figured out that law was the only field that i could see myself doing well in and simultaneously enjoying. if i don't do well here, i can't help but feel that my prospects of having a fulfilling life-long career are dismal.

i'm so incredibly tired of hearing "don't worry nas, you can do it!" or "you're so smart -- if anyone can succeed in law school, it's you!" or "i'm sure you'll do great." none of this helps. none of this matters. people don't know what i'm dealing with. they don't understand who my peers are. they don't even know what my actually abilities are or how they compare to other people’s. most importantly, they don't realize that i'm not fishing for compliments or affirmations – i genuinely feel that i don’t measure up, and i'm genuinely scared. i'm truly questioning whether i will ever be able to do with my life what i want to do with my life.

i want to practice international human rights law. sadly, it is one of the most competitive fields of law out there, and credentials matter. right now, i just don't have the credentials to get my foot in the door anywhere -- not even what i consider to be a good internship. and these things are cumulative processes, so not getting a good internship now impedes my ability to get a good job next summer, which impedes my ability to get a good job after graduation, etc. i just can't help but feel poorly equipped. i don't have the skills, the experience, or the grades to get myself where i want to go. and the people that i'm competing with have stellar grades, mad skills, and have already saved the world -- twice.

i'm just so average compared to these people. of course, people hasten to remind me that i'm at a top 5 law school. this is true. i can acknowledge that i obviously have some intellectual merit. but frame of reference is important. i'm not being compared to the "average person" in america -- if that were the case, then i would be above average. instead, i'm being compared to my peers here, and in that pool, i'm pretty average. in fact, i got my first exam grade back today. it could've been better. it could've been worse. that is the definition of average.

of course, we can all rationalize by saying "grades aren't that important -- tests are not a real indicator of your intelligence, etc." perhaps not, but they are a societally accepted one, and they have currency. my exam grade may not be an accurate predictor of my actual ability to do a job, but it definitely has a bearing on whether or not i get that job in the first place. credentials and qualifications matter, i don't have them, i'm failing in my attempts to acquire them, and the future i've envisioned for myself seems very much out of reach.

and if, in the midst of all these sobering realizations, when people ask me how i'm doing, i'm honest with them (e.g., "i'm scared of exams"), and i get one of the above answers in return (e.g., "don't worry, nas, you can do it!"), it only makes my life worse. not only have i been ineffectively consoled by uninformed commentary about my situation or insufficiently informed confidence in me, but my own stress has been compounded because i'm reminded that when i fail, i will disappoint others in addition to myself.

i am not what people think i am. i am not what i think i am.

i have real fears, very real fears, that i will not succeed. and nothing -- especially nothing that anyone says -- can allay my fears except actual indicators of success. and those have not been forthcoming.

...

i keep coming back to the idea of dharma. it has long guided my view of the world and my beliefs about my place in it. my dharma is that my duty now is to go to school to the best of my ability, and then to be detached from the results of my efforts. i know that it is the action that is important, not the outcome. so i pray hard, study hard, and then take my tests to the best of my ability. i have performed my duty, i have put forth the utmost effort in my action. so why can i not be detached? once the results come back and i feel dejected, i have failed not only to live up to externally imposed indicators of societal success, but i am also failing to live according to my own spiritual principles.

why can i not do better? what does it take? maybe it's because my ultimate goal is service to humanity, and i feel like unless i can win at this stupid prestige game, i can't get to where i need to be professionally, and then i can't serve how i want to serve. or perhaps i'm still attached to the idea that, as a bahai, i must be excellent in all things. and right now, i'm not excellent. i'm very very average – based on my grade today, i’m even statistically average, so that point can't really be contested. i don't like feeling this way. i'm not accustomed to it. and i don't want to grow accustomed to it. no matter how many bad grades i've gotten in my life, no matter how many scholarships i didn't get, no matter how many schools or jobs reject me, i cannot get used to failure. something inside me rages against it. and this rage coexists with the sadness and the worry. so then i battle with a strange mixture of defeat, indignation, and desire. and perhaps most of all, i feel ungrateful. i've been given so much in life. so much. and yet, i complain and feel bad about myself. why?

i want to do better. but i keep not doing it.

...

i don't know why i post all this. i've already stated quite truthfully and emphatically that nothing anyone says to console me actually consoles me. and i don't know how it benefits me to air out my personal feelings of inadequacies in the blogosphere. it’s just that i’m not that smart girl i used to be anymore, i’m kind of at a loss for what to do with myself and my perceptions of myself, and my future seems so unclear to me right now… so i suppose i'm just trying something new, since praying, studying, and trying to diversify my resume just doesn't seem to be doing it for me these days.

i don't wanna go back to school tomorrow...

and that's all i have to say about that.

today i'm running errands, doing my reading and my homework for the first day of class tomorrow (is it just me, or is pre-class homework a human rights abuse?), and going to the gym. i have no creative e energy right now. so until i have something substantive to blog about, here are a couple of pictures from last week. :)

winter breakin'

right, so, apologies for the days of blog silence. my brain has been on hiatus. i haven't had anything interesting to say. i did, however, manage to use my camera phone to take some pictures, which you can view on my moblog to the right.

i'm going back to school in a week. i don't even want to think about it. this week i need to find an internship for this semester. and a job for the summer. we'll see how all that goes. right now, i just want to go to the mall...

maybe an outdoor mall...

especially since it's been around 70 degrees since i got home last week. i love texas. :)