like a fish needs a bicycle...

persian thanksgiving

public transportation to laguardia airport : $2
plane ticket to dallas/ft. worth : $500
gas for car ride from my parents' house to thanksgiving dinner at a family friend's house : $4

having a persian lady meet greg for 12.4 seconds, then confidently declare to me, "naseem, greg is wonderful! he's one of those people that you seldom find in the world, so don't be stupid and mess this up" : priceless

back from the frozen tundra

ok, so it wasn't that cold. it didn't even snow. and it turns out i could've worn sandals and not looked like a crazy southerner, since lots of the native girls were wearing them, despite the 30 degree weather. oh well, lesson learned for future weddings to be attended in minnesota in november (we'll see if said lesson ever comes in handy).

meanwhile, gwen and nate are very cute -- i think it's fabulous when 2 good friends marry each other. it was a really happy wedding. maybe the smallest i've ever been to, since i'm pretty accustomed to the large circuses that are persian weddings... but really happy. i was particuarly enchanted by the racial diversity, even within the families themselves... very beautiful to see. it was just a really nice wedding, and i'm really happy for them.

and, of course, the whole weekend was a welcome break from civil procedure. :)

autumn in new york

yes, it's the title of a bad movie with richard gere and wynona rider. but, it's also the fabulous experience that i'm having in the city right now.

i'd actually never seen autumn until now. i spent my whole life in texas up until last year, when i moved to the chicago area. and in chicago, there was no fall season... there was about a 2-day period where all the leaves fell off the trees and it suddenly froze. and then it was winter for several long months.

new york, however, has been having an indian summer. it was warm until mid-october, and then autumn came. since then, we've had a few cold days, but generally, it's been sunny and pleasantly cool. today it was in the '60s, and it was very nice. the city is quite beautiful, and i'm really enjoying seeing the seasons change... so much so that i can't help but photograph it. here are some pictures of my first autumn in new york.

fight the man

people who know me know i don't want to work for the man. i don't ever want to be a tool. anyone's tool. i don't want to be a tool of oppression, capitalism, materialism, racism, misogyny, etc., etc.

*however,* i also don't believe in being a tool of blind resistance. i don't think i, or anyone, should automatically subscribe to a philosophy or fight for a cause simply because it seems "progressive," "forward-thinking," or geared towards equality. not everything that's presented as fair or right is actually fair or right. and framing such things as fair or right simply because they're supposedly "anti-establishment" or "fighting the man" doesn't sit well with me.

right now, i'm at a very liberal, very politically active campus. it seems like people are always protesting everything. turns out that, in that respect, my east-coast private university experience doesn't differ much from my huge state school in the south experience. really, i'm quite accustomed to living in a protest-oriented culture. and i realized long ago that protesters and activists can sometimes be just as unthinking and easily influenced as the purportedly slow, stupid conservatives that they protest against.

lately, there have been several protest activities going on on NYU campus. personally, i can't say that i necessarily support any of them. i think that with respect to several of these issues and causes, i don't have enough information about either side to make an informed judgment in good conscience. i dare say that's the case with most people here. the difference is that, lacking that information, and also lacking the energy to proactivtly acquire it (i'm having a hard enough time acquiring information for my classes, aka "studying"), i personally will reserve judgment.

in contrast, many of the people i encounter here, though similarly lacking in information or experience, will automatically come down on whichever side seems more "oppositional," "contrary," "revolutionary," "anti-establishment," or whatever else. they don't really consider causes, effects, implications, consequences, statistics, etc. they just blindly buy into whatever seems in line with their own perception of themselves as "fighting the man." which is their own decision, of course. it's still mildly irritating, considering we're freaking in law school, and one would assume people would be able to think for themselves without blindly buying into any particular viewpoint or issue. but like i said, that's their prerogative.

what's supremely irritating, though, is when they come after me. they try to persuade me that i should come over to their side of the issue. or worse, they just assume that i'll be on their side of the issue. they assume that any "thinking" person would be on their side of the issue. truly ironic, since as it seems pretty clear that they're the ones who aren't doing a whole lot of thinking here, but are just blindly following.

what's worse still is when they get the impression that i'm not instantly persuaded, that i'm not condoning their views or their actions--and yet, not condemning them either, but only reserving judgment--they become perplexed and perhaps even adversarial. they're astonished that i or any other "intelligent" person wouldn't want to instantly support them, and they start to get pushy about making people support them. not only are they spamming everyone by sending out dozens of e-mails a week on every possible listserve, handing out propaganda, and making announcements left and right, they also feel they're justified in personally telling individuals what to think, how to vote, or who to support. it's truly the opposite of enlightened or progressive. it's just as backward, unthinking, and forceful as the ideological regimes they supposedly condemn.

i think at both ends of the ideological spectrum, there are people who have turned their filters completely one way or the other to only let one brand (or a few particular brands) of information in. and from both sides, they try to prey upon people in the middle of the spectrum who have functional, adaptable filters, who use their brains, who think critically about the information that's presented to them, and who make indpendent judgments based on their own beliefs and ideas. this behavior is unjustified and hypocritical. i don't appreciate being targeted and harassed because i'm trying to be that self-respecting person in the middle. either way, the people harassing me are tools. tools of a different "man" in each case, but still tools. and they make me feel like i have to fight the man on both sides, and that's not a feeling to get excited about.

omg

so i'm at the library right now. there's this guy sitting across from me, drinking a beer and studying. he just has this huge can of beer open and sitting on his desk while he reads, and every few minutes he takes a sip. i really wanna take a picture, but i'm afraid that'll be too obvious.

one of my friends told me she was in the library last week and a guy popped open a can of beer in front of her. i assumed it was just one bizarre isolated incident. but perhaps this is the usual in law school, and i just didn't know...?

saturday evening post

this week has been the worst since i started law school. the weekend isn't much better. but i'm taking time out on a saturday night and forcing myself to write -- for therapeutic and documentary purposes. there is much to say.

my brother-in-law, josh, juggles knives. it's amazing to watch. the harmonization of his body parts -- concentrating eyes, calmly moving hands, shuffling feet -- belies the practice, effort, and danger that are such necessary elements of the performance.

when i started law school a little over 2 months ago, i thought that i, too, was a good juggler -- at least in the figurative sense. i could coordinate my life movements to make many things happen the way i wanted to. i had the focus and the desire to do it. and i had always highly valued my multitasking abilities, constantly pushing myself to see how much more i could do at a time, how much more i could achieve. though i never did it with the level of discipline, diligence, and expertise i would've liked -- and i was continuously striving to improve -- it seemed to a lot of people that i was pretty good at juggling life.

and perhaps i was. but "life" now means something different than it did before. it's not just that i'm busy. i've been very busy before. but there is something qualitatively different here.

i just keep getting handed more balls to juggle. my time committment to school itself is outrageous -- 18 hours of class a week (complete with nervewracking socratic grilling in class), a minimum of 50-70 pages of heavy text reading a night, projects and memos and briefs (all with oppressive deadlines), and as of these last 2 weeks, incessant mandatory meetings about finding a job next summer (and all that that entails, from resumes to career fairs).

and of course, we're constantly reminded that extracurricular activities are essential to resume-building, that we should be looking into 15-hour per week term-time internships for next semester, and that we should apply for scholarships and fellowships left and right.

we're picking our classes for next semester this week, and we're supposed to be starting to think about clinics and journals for next year. and we're constantly reminded to go to all the fascinating lectures and talks on campus in our "free time." oh, and of course, finals are coming.

i've never been in such a pressurized, stressful environment. i've never received so much electronic communication (all of it important and time-sensitive) in my life. i've never been told so many supposedly vital things by so many supposedly important people in my life.

i feel like i've overstepped myself here. my juggling skills are apparently not impressive enough to keep up with this. or maybe not yet.
everyone else seems to think i can do this. no one doubts my juggling abilities. to be fair, i know i can do this, too. i know my juggling skills are improving.

but this past week in particular, i've been thinking a lot about just making it through. in addition to worrying about my personal school-related burdens, i found out that a boy in my section withdrew from law school this week. it really shocked everyone. he was a great guy, very intelligent, got along with everyone, did well in class, and was really involved in the mediation organization on campus, which he loved. he seemed to have all the makings of a great lawyer. but he decided not to stick with it. he seems happy about his decision, but no one really knows why he decided to leave. until finding out about him this week, i hadn't even considered the thought that i might not make it through. i'd just assumed that what won't kill me will make me stronger, and i'll come out of it alive and well -- eventually.

really, i'm determined to make it through. and to get the most out of it while i'm here. and, most importantly, to make it all worthwhile once i'm done. i plan on doing that last one by using my education to serve others. doing anything else would mean i'd wasted the 3 most intense years of my life. this week i went to a meeting with the public interest law center about summer job opportunities. the cover of the information binder we were given had a quotation on it that set up camp in my thoughts rather quickly: "do more with your law degree than rearrange the assets of the upper class." wow.

i've had some really enlightening conversations lately -- with others and with myself.

last week, one of my project partners and i were talking about our career paths. i told him i wanted to do public interest work. he told me he has no problem admitting that he's becoming a lawyer for the lifestyle, that he plans on going corporate and making lots of money, and that he doesn't want to help people who are too ignorant to know they need help and thus don't even want it. i wondered as he was talking how much of this was determined by the fact that he's a white male, and hence of the demographic most prevalent in law, but especially in corporate law.

anyway, the example he gave of his was from where he grew up... he described seeing (white) people living in trailer parks, below the poverty line, with no health insurance... who then vote for bush, based solely on the fact that they're scared of having a gay person move in next door to them. they don't even realize that they're depriving themselves of health and economic livelihood they might otherwise have if they weren't so narrow-minded.

interesting point. and i appreciated his honesty about his goals. we had an exchange about what we as individuals believe we're supposed to be doing with our lives, about how there are so many people in america and in the world who are in desperate need of help and who are aware of it and who will gratefully accept it. those are the people i want to help. but even getting to a place where i can help them is not easy.

this truth was highlighted by a conversation i had this week with one of the international law professors on campus. she's very cool. she told me about how competitive the field of international human rights is and about how difficult it is to get your foot in the door. i expressed frustration at the exclusivity and prestige-oriented nature of a field which should be so fundamentally animated by selfless service. what can i say, my bahai views seep out of every seam... in any case, she was realistic, but encouraging. she reminded me of one of my own goals in life: detachment. her message to me was that i'll get to where i want to be in order to serve -- eventually. but i should get used to the idea that my path there might not be a direct one. wow.

since that conversation, i'm realizing how many pre-conceived notions i had about my career path, how i wasn't even conscious of many of them, and how i'm gonna have to dispense with most of them. yes, i have to play the game to get where i need to be. hopefully from there, i'll help dismantle the game from the inside out. in the meantime, learning that each opportunity is unique and valuable and not a waste of time... that's my goal. i have to enjoy the journey, even if it's on a completely different route than i was expecting. again, not easy. especially given that i'm a control freak.

in the midst of all this realization, i had an interesting conversation with myself. it happened during the 1L oral advocacy competition the other night -- interesting exercise, good practice. i was counsel for the plaintiff, and i delivered a 10 minute closing argument. when i sat down, the counsel for the defense went up to give his closing. he and i had talked outside before going in to the room, and he seemed very nice. in role, though, he was quite different. as defense counsel, he was loud, belligerent, fast-talking, accusatory, altogether unpleasant. i kept my game face on, for the most part, and the judges watched him straight-faced also... but the whole time he was talking, i was having this uncomfortable internal dialogue.

"oh my God, is this the white male paradigm i'm going to be dealing in for the rest of my legal career?" "do i just seem like the nice woman of color sitting over here getting mowed down by the good ol' boy?" "my argument was calm, reasoned, and played on the jury's sympathies. but will his work better? will they think he's an assertive man with a strong argument? if i as a woman behaved like he's behaving now, would people just think i'm a bitch?" "i don't want to spend my life attacking people." i was really starting to get scared.

and then he sat down. and then as we were each getting our feedback and constructive criticisms, the judges all told him that he was hostile and overwhelming and that a jury wouldn't respond well to that at all. the relief washed over me. i was so glad to see that that display, while perhaps not unheard of in the legal profession, is not effective and is probably far from the norm. maybe i still can carve out a space for myself where i feel like my career doesn't consist of feeding on others. yes, i'll have to advocate. but i was really hoping to do it in a civilized fashion. looks like that's still gonna work. thank God.

finally, my relief about my career path was confirmed by a really fabulous conversation with a woman in the public interest law center yesterday. she gave me some insights on not letting law school segment my being. she reminded me to always remember to be an integrated person, rather than a floating head in the world of academia, whose scholarship and work is divorced from the rest of her life. she was telling me about a law and religion panel she went to, where practicioners were talking about how their faiths affect the work they do, the cases they take, the way they structure their professional schedules. they were whole people--with religions, families, lives outside of the ivory towers. this was good to hear. especially since law school is where you learn to segment yourself, to detach your legal intellect from the rest of your being so it can float in academia.

hence, it's good to keep the focus. and that means most to me when it comes to my faith. she said that my commitment to the bahai faith and to service, which is very evident on my resume, is something i should embrace when presenting myself to people -- fellowship committees, employers, whoever. i explained to her that growing up in the bible belt, i'm not used to presenting myself as a bahai and having it be well-received.

but, as we discussed, things are different now. i'm an adult, i'm in the professional world where it's at least illegal (if not uncommon) to discriminate, and i'm also not in the south anymore. people want to hear about my passion. and the bahai faith is what i'm most passionate about -- it's what makes me passionate about everything else. i was amazed by how well she understood that and how she articulated it to me better than i could've articulated it to her. and that's because she's a person of faith too. and a woman of color. she's a black catholic woman who's done much service in her life. she knew exactly where i was coming from and exactly where i was going. so refreshing. so comforting to realize that i can present myself as i am and talk about what i know best and what i care most about--and know that that's powerful.

so many conversations recently. they're all tied together, i think. and they're all still in progress. and they all seem very important in my development right now. which is probably why this is perhaps the longest post i've ever made. but i guess it was needed. i'm learning to juggle better, i'm learning to be ok with seeing the balls drop to the floor sometimes. i'm also starting to entertain the notion of being ok with myself even when i'm not juggling. we'll see how that goes.