my dad was in the hospital this week. they think he had a minor heart attack and they found some serious blockage in his arteries. they had to insert stents to keep the arteries open and they started him on a bunch of blood-thinning medication. he stayed a few nights in the hospital, and he's home now, supposedly resting (but not really, of course).
this time we were lucky. better for this to happen now and to address the problem than for his condition go unnoticed, leading to something major and something very bad later. this time, everything turned out OK.
of course, all his kids knew this was coming -- he works himself to death and he never sleeps and he has a lot of responsibilities and a lot of stress in his life. for about 2 months now, i've had this creeping suspicion that something like this was about to happen. i've been feeling it kind of vaguely and praying about it, wondering when i was gonna get the call from home (i got it this past monday). my sister tem had a dream a couple of weeks ago that my dad had a heart attack, and she was very disturbed by it -- she was wondering when she was gonna get news like this too. so really, we sort of expected this, and now i'm wondering if i should expect a next time, and what that will be like.
the fact of the matter is that my parents are getting old. i'm the youngest of their (5) children, and as i get farther and farther into adulthood (unwillingly, of course), they get farther and farther into old age. they've both overworked and overexhausted themselves their whole lives, they've both lived on meager amounts of sleep their whole lives, and they've both given of themselves tirelessly -- to their kids and everyone else -- their whole lives. i think it's starting to catch up with them and their bodies just can't take all the abuse anymore. i've given them many lectures about being healthy and getting rest and taking care of themselves, as have all of my sisters, but apparently reality hasn't really sunk in for them yet.
i want my parents to be able to play with my children, and i'm kind of getting scared that that won't happen. i'm not having kids for at least another 5 years, so that means they need to be alive and well for at least another 20 years so that my childiren can know and love their grandparents. the way things are going right now, i'm not sure how likely that is. the thought of my kids not knowing the amazing, wonderful human beings that my parents are, and not being close to them the way that i am, really unsettles me. i want my children to to know their heritage, both spiritual and cultural, and to understand all the sacrifice and love that brought me into this world and made me who i am. i don't know if that's possible without my parents being around to know them and love them and teach them.
i love my parents dearly, and it's extremely painful to even think about not having them in my life anymore. it doesn't matter how old i get and how independent i'm supposed to be -- i know i'll miss them more than i can bear. but all the selfish concern for my own emotional well-being aside, i think i'm even more troubled by the notion that my kids won't have my parents in their lives. and right now, i don't know what i can do to make sure that my parents will be there for my kids. my dad is still working non-stop (he won't even relax since he's been home from the hospital -- he was trying to fix atoosa's car today in 90 degree weather), my mom is still in school getting her PhD and always trying to do 10 million other things in life, and neither of them will slow down, no matter what we do or say. at this point, i'm kind of out of ideas, and kind of scared of the future. i feel like the more adult i become, the more likely it is that my life will change in very significant ways, and i'm very uneasy about some of those changes. i suppose all i can do now is pray for detachment.
Posted by naseem at June 2, 2007 07:39 PMI heard about this from Atoosa today--I'm really sorry to hear this about your dad and I'll continue to keep him (and your family) in my/our prayers.
You know, I think in some way, wanting our children to play with their grandparents made Myk and I want to move our schedule up a bit. I see some people struggle with their baby/family obligations as if it's a burden, but it's really such a gift for your children to spend time with their elders.
Posted by: lacey at June 2, 2007 11:58 PMThat's a hard one. My heart goes out to you. You could bring out everything from your arsenal, and if it doesn't work, at least you have done everything you could. I tried in a loving and mild way with my father, and it didn't work. Perhaps I should have been more forceful.
Posted by: Sarah at June 3, 2007 12:06 AMIn the past few years I've become increasingly aware of possibility that I could lose my parents suddenly. I've decided that it's really important for me to live near them, so that I can have as much time with them as possible before something like that happens.
Posted by: +mojan. at June 3, 2007 04:05 AMI'm sorry to say that I don't have any magical words of wisdom for you, as I've tried without much success to slow my own parents down in the past, but I did at least want to say that not only are you not alone in worrying about your parents and their future (I worry about the health of my parents a LOT), but you also don't have to be alone in praying for the health and well-being of your mom and dad. I will definitely keep them in my prayers as well.
Posted by: Heather at June 3, 2007 11:15 AMTwenty minutes ago I was speaking with someone about the strangeness of one's parents becoming increasingly fragile. I hope your dad is okay. And that he reads this blog entry.
Posted by: shokufeh at June 3, 2007 01:12 PMHey Nas, sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he feels better soon and gets plenty of rest. We went through the same kind of thing (minor heart attacks and a triple bypass) with my grandmother about 15 years ago, so the good news is that he can get better. A good diet can do miracles on improving health (as well as the much needed rest you mentioned).
Miss you and hope to see you next time you're in Dallas joon. :)
Love,
Melody
Posted by: Melody Ayeli at June 4, 2007 10:49 PMWow, Nas, this is definitely a different take. I mean, of course I also worry and wish I could do more, and I don't want to imagine the rest of my life without my family intact, but I think my sense of turmoil comes most from my inability to make my knowledge and otherwise credible advice translate into behavior change. I have always felt this with my patients and their parents, but it's so much more painful when that brick wall of implementation affects people you love.
I guess I also see the echo of those behavior patterns in my own life. I feel a bit guilty when I "selfishly" take time for my own R & R, and I think that stems from the modeling I was raised on: put everyone else's needs first.
Posted by: atoosa at June 5, 2007 01:42 AMLacey and I are praying for your Dad. We have a great admiration for both of your parents.. I mean, they raised you guys.... Wow!
Posted by: Mykgerard at June 5, 2007 10:22 AMI think about these kinds of things all the time with my own parents. I hope your dad is OK.
Posted by: Aaron at June 5, 2007 10:37 AMThank you everyone for your kind wishes and especially for your prayers. I came home from China ...hoped I could so something to help. But, it's hard to be so helpless.
Posted by: Artemis at June 6, 2007 10:15 AM... and my prayers, as well, for your dad and whole family.
This happened for my dad about a year ago - he had a couple of stents placed after an abnormal treadmill (no symptoms). I kinda hoped this would change his ways in terms of obesity and lifestyle, but it really hasn't. And _I_ can't control his response to his healthcare condition - isn't that unfair?
Detachment while being empathetic and loving is a hard balance for me, whether I'm talking about my parents, or my new wife. I know the solution and answer is spiritual, but that's not always easy, either.
:)
Anyway.... you have my prayers.
~Steve
Posted by: Steve at June 7, 2007 02:49 PMoh nas, i'm so glad he's ok. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers. the only thing i can say is watching my parents deal with my grandparents (whom I have been blessed to have in my life until now), is that sometimes you, as the child, have to start bullying your parents to take better care of themselves. it's not an easy or a pleasant thing to do because we're raised with the notion that your parents are people you respect, and it feels like you're trampling on their independence, but sometimes you need to speak up and be firm, and be a bit bullish about it to make them take better care of themselves.
Posted by: maya at June 11, 2007 09:48 AM