like a fish needs a bicycle...

vanity/sanity

well, friends, it's time for a sad and strange story about my hair. that's right, my hair.

so, my hair was straight until i was about 15. all i did was wash and it brush it, and it laid flat. it was manageable, pretty hair. but when i turned 15, puberty hit me hard -- that year, i gained 30 pounds, grew 4 inches, and discovered a lot of body hair (thus disproving my sisters' suspicions that i was adopted, and confirming that i am, in fact, persian). also, my hair curled. of course, i didn't know it was happening for a long time. i just thought my hair had suddenly become frizzy and started misbehaving. i was doing all the things i had normally done -- washed it, brushed it, trimmed it every month or 2. but my hair was getting really unmanageable and i didn't know what to do with it. finally, one day, my older sister atoosa came into my room when i was getting ready to go somewhere. my hair was still wet from the shower and i hadn't started trying to tame it yet. she looked at me and said, "nas, your hair is curly." it was like a revelation. suddenly, everything made sense. i wasn't necessarily happy about my new hair state, but at least now i was armed with knowledge.

apparently, a change in the texture and style of hair is not uncommon during puberty -- the hormonal change causes it. atoosa had also had straight hair that curled when she was about 14-15. over the years, i've discovered that many persian girls i know have also experienced the same phenomenon. and so did greg. though he's neither persian, nor a girl -- but still.

so, after discovering my new-found hair state, i cut off sevearl inches of hair, so that all my old hair was gone and only my newly-grown-in, spiral-curled hair was left. i also spent the next year or 2 trying every styling product on the market, experimenting with different drying methods, and different hairdos. by the time i graduated highschool, i thought i had finally figured out my hair. and i had come to accept it. of course, i would still curse my unruly mop -- especially in public. for instance, people would often ask me if my curls were natural. i would usually answer with something like "do you think i would do this to myself willingly?" sometimes, people with straight hair would tell me they loved my hair. my response was always "wanna trade?"

but really, i was reasonably happy. my hair was my hair. it was a part of me. it behaved fairly well, and i always got compliments on it. i grew to like it. and as i got older, i really got used to looking in the mirror and seeing my curly hair. it became an integral part of the physical image i had of myself and that others had of me. when people described me, they would say, "you know, naseem. she has curly black hair..."

i thought that my curly hair had come to stay, and i because i got used to it in my formative years, i think it somehow became part of my permanent physical self-image. but something very strange has happened over the past year or so. last fall, when i started law school, i noticed that a few shorter pieces of my hair in front had started behaving very strangely, going almost completely striaght. i thought maybe it was just stress and hormones, and didn't worry much about it. i figured everything would normalize.

but as i kept getting my hair trimmed over the past year and half, my hair was getting less and less curly. i thought maybe it was because my hair has been pretty long since i started law school -- longer than i've ever had it. so i figured it was just being weighed down. so finally, when i was in dallas over winter break, i cut off 4 more inches. i hoped this would restore the spirals that i had grown so used to.

but low and behold, my hair is no longer curly at all. i think i cut off the last of my old curls. now, my hair is just wavy, with some very loose, big curls scattered throughout. and if i pull it back when it's wet, and then i take it out once it's dry, it's pretty much straight. it's still frizzy, but it's straight. this month, i ran a brush through my hair for the first time in almost 10 years. it was such a strange feeling.

every time i look in the mirror now, i look strange to myself. i almost feel like i'm looking at someone else, and not myself. and whenever my friends and family see me, i look strange to them. when i was in dallas, after i cut my hair, everyone who would see me would go, "woah! did you straighten your hair? you look so different. what happened?"

...i know this whole story has included a lot of useless details about the evolution of my hair that most people wouldn't care to know. i also know it seems really vain to be bothered by this. but i just can't help it. i'm really bothered. i feel like the image i've had of myself for a long time, including all of my adult life thus far, has been disturbed. it's like a part of my body has been replaced.

it's not just getting used to dealing with a new kind of hair again -- i can handle the logistics. it's more that i just don't look like myself and it's freaking me out. maybe this a new test of detachment for me. apparently, i not only have to be detached from what i *want* to look like physically, but also what i'm used to looking like, and what i think i'm supposed to look like. i guess this, like everything else, is not in my hands. and as usual, i need to chill.

Posted by naseem at January 16, 2007 12:57 PM