like a fish needs a bicycle...

sick

i've been feeling like hell for almost week and a half now. not just post-lariam fatigue, weakness, shakiness, and malaise... but actual, full-blown, identifiable, acute illness -- on top of my baseline level of post-lariam crappiness, of course.

so, greg had had something (probably viral) for almost 2 weeks, and i somehow managed to not get from him during that time... i was congratuling myself for sleeping well, taking my vitamins, and generally taking good care of myself, especially since i'm really busy and overworked these days. i was actually beginning to think that, despite everything, maybe i was finally acquiring an immune system...

but then, last saturday, i woke up with a cough and the most painful sore throat i've ever had, courtesy of my husband. so just as he was getting well, i got sick. at first, i thought it was just a cough and sore throat, so i decided that that wasn't gonna slow me down. so i went to school and to my interview on monday. that was obviously ill-advised. i came home monday night with a fever, chills, body aches, a huge painful lump in my throat, a nasty cough, and extreme exhaustion. after monday night's episode, i spent the last week at home...

i skipped school, i cancelled my interviews... i coughed up my lungs, i slept, i took lots of pills. i tried really hard to feel better. and i do feel somewhat better now, but i'm still far from well. i decided to return to school and to my interviews this week, because i'm tired of being so behind. i'm hoping i'll start to be functional sometime soon -- until then, i'm determined to get back to school this week and battle through each day when i have to.

... it's funny the kinds of reflections all of this illness inspires in me. a couple of months ago, at the height of my lariam-induced misery in india, i blogged about all the metaphysical difficulty that my physical difficulties cause me. these days, i'm experiencing different permutations of the same physical diffculties, often in different settings and with different dimensions... i'm still learning more about my own limitations, still thinking about the same elements of my personality that make this especially trying for me, and trying to have some grace and gratitude when dealing with all of this.

of course, i feel like i've made progress. during the summer, i was crying every day from sheer frustration and helplessness -- now, i only cry once, or maybe twice, a week. that's probably because many of my main stressors have been removed since then: i'm no longer in a foreign country by myself, i made it through my wedding without falling over and actually enjoyed myself, my honeymoon illnesses have passed, we moved to new york successfully, i finished early interview week, and i started school. so i'm truly grateful i've made it this far. and i am feeling better. during the sumer, my stomach would hurt every day, my limbs would shake every day, and my head would spin every day -- for the past month or so, i've been suffering these symptoms only once or twice a week. that's probably because my body has finally gotten rid of the lariam and now i'm just recovering from the insult to my system. no doubt my weakened immunity made it easier to acquire whatever cold/flu fun i've had the last week. but still, overall, i'm better.

i'm really grateful that my health has improved and that so many things that could've gone horribly wrong have actually gone really well. and i'm most grateful for the most important parts of my life -- my faith, my husband, my family, and all the blessings of my educational and career path. so, i'm wondering how it is that i can be grateful and yet be so frustrated and upset at the same time.

i think that my patience has just worn thin. it's really hard to feel awful all the time and be hindered from doing the things that i need to do (like go to school) and want to do (like do fun things with my husband) and still maintain a positive attitude. i think it takes energy to be positive and hopeful and perseverant -- and it takes real spiritual maturity to be resigned and graceful. apparently, i have neither of those things at this point, so i'm stuck at frustration and exasperation. and i continue to cry pretty regularly.

right now, i'm just trying really hard to hang in there. i often feel like i'm being juvenile when i get upset -- and so i try to summon the faith that i need to remain calm. i remember that i'm only tested for my own good, that it's never anything i can't handle (by definition), and that everything will get better -- one way or another. it doesn't always work. sometimes i just can't help feeling so helpless and hopeless. part of the problem, i think, is that, recently, i haven't been as involved in Bahá'í activities as i like to be -- which is due, in large part, to the fact that i haven't been feeling up to doing much of anything... it's kind of a self-perpetuating cycle that i need to break. i know that i will draw strength from the community and from the concrete reminders of my purpose on earth -- so i need to make sure that i start getting exposure to these things. and i will, as soon as i possibly can.

really, i just need to just chill. learning how to chill is my perpetual challenge in life. i'm not sure how it happened, as i'm pretty sure i was a carefree kid... but sometime during adolescence, i acquired some interesting traits... my childhood love of organization developed into a need for organization and planning in all things, i became a perfectionist about anything and everything, i became more self-critical than anyone i know, and i started to worry about everything that could ever go wrong with any situation. needless to say, these traits weren't quite adaptive. over the years, i've made extraordinary efforts to discipline myself through prayer, reflection, and consultation with others. so these days, i can check most of those urges -- to differing extents, of course. a focus on organization, for instance, is very useful in the legal profession, so i let that one shine when i need it. self-criticism can be useful to a point, but i stop myself when it's no longer productive. so generally, i think i'm an emotionally healthy person and i function pretty normally. generally, i've learned to chill.

...but since i've been sick these past several months, i think my ability to control my neurotic tendencies have been compromised, and i find myself worrying quite a bit about a lot of things -- like every aspect of my own life, as well as those of my husband and my family. i know it's not healthy, and i try not to worry so much, especially since i realize how unproductive it is -- but i just don't have the energy and focus that i normally need to calm myself down and chill.

it's funny because my worrying reminds me just how much i'm turning into my mom. she's a professional worrier, and she worries about each and every one of her kids pretty constantly. i've always made fun of her and told her that worrying was a useless endeavor and a waste of time and energy, and that all she can do is pray and trust in God. as usual, i'm having problems taking the advice so that i so easily dispense to others. now i probably worry almost as much as she does, and though i do pray and try to trust in God, i don't have the consequent calm and peace of mind that i would if i were doing those things well. i suppose there are worse things in the world to turn in to besides my mother -- my mom is one of the most amazing human beings who has ever lived. but still, i didn't pick a very good attribute of hers to acquire...

when all is said and done, whatever viral thing i have now will pass, whatever post-lariam effects i'm suffering will eventually subside, and everything in my life will be better than fine. intellectually, i know that. but i'm still trying to feel it emotionally and physically. and i'm trying to deal with each new hurdle with grace and faith and gratitude.

"Sick" by Shell Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue -
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke -
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my spine is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is -
what? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is ... Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

Posted by naseem at September 27, 2006 11:29 AM