hmmmm, so i should've written a new entry days ago. but things have been crazy. as usual, being home in texas hasn't been as restful as i would've hoped. we had a huge fiasco this week with the wedding planning. as my mom would say, we had a huge "fiesta."
so... not to be *that* girl -- you know, the one who talks about her fiance/wedding all the time -- because we all know we hate *that* girl, but wedding planning fiascos have been one of the predominating influences in my life these past couple of months, and this week has been the culmination of them all. so that's pretty much all i have to talk about right now, and i suppose i'll have to resign myself to two consecutive wedding-related blog posts.
truly, i'm so disappointed in people. no matter what happens, i still always want to believe people are good. but then, people are irresponsible, or worse, dishonest -- or perhaps even worse, dishonest about their irresponsibility so that they don't have to correct their own mistakes. enter the westin hotel.
after 5 exhausting months of searching for wedding venues, we thought we had finally arrived. since january, my parents and i have been thinking and talking about this nonstop and considering possible venues -- not only in dallas, but even in florida. we've searched every wedding website, looked at every bridal magazine, called every place that could possibly fit a group our size. we've visited countless hotels and event centers, took innumerable pictures, come damn near to signing contracts at no less than 4 places. every time we think we've decided, every time we think we've finally found somewhere, and we can relax and move forward with the planning and with our lives, we encounter some disaster, some obstacle that frustrates the hell out of us and puts us back at square 1. i can't even express how maddening it's all been. (see my previous post for advice about what to do when faced with the prospect of being in law school and planning a wedding simultaneously.)
last week, though, we thought we were finally finished. we thought we had really truly found the place, and things were really going to work this time. why the undying optimism, i don't know. we should've known by this point that it's futile to rely on anything. people are shady and self-serving and no one really cares about people's weddings, marriages, or emotions -- it's all about the bottom line. no point in relaxing until we've a signed contract, since only then does your money talk for you. but last week we actually went in to sign the contract. of course, that's not what actually happened.
what really happened was every bride’s worse nightmare. we had decided on the westin hotel at the galleria -- it was a really nice location, they had the capacity, and they had the right date open. my parents had been in contact with their wedding coordinator and had been meeting with her for over a month. they really liked her and they trusted her -- so i did too. but then she and the rest of their event planning staff ruined the most important day of my life.
since early april, my parents have been ready to hand this woman a deposit in order to hold the ballroom until we actually sign the contract. but no, the wedding coordinator said she could do better -- she promised my parents she would block off our date in the system and that she would hold it for us, without a contract, until the end of last week. we went in mid-week to sign the contract, and she mysteriously "didn't have it ready" for us all of a sudden. but we went over the ceremony and reception details with her anyway, and she told us she'd e-mail us the contract ASAP, so we could e-mail and fax it back.
when we hadn't heard from her by the beginning of this week, we knew something was wrong. what we didn't know is that she never prepared the contract, she left the country on thursday, she's nowhere to be found, and apparently, someone else in the office has not only booked our day for another group, but has now given them a contract in writing. best of all, neither the sales and catering manager nor the hotel general manager seem to give a damn. either the wedding coordinator was lying to us the whole time about saving our date, or she did save our date, and then someone in the office decided to override her because bringing a medical conference that weekend would be far more lucrative than hosting our wedding. either way, we, and our family and friends, relied to our detriment on the information we were given, and we're now suffering because of the irresponsibility and negligence of the westin staff.
i've tried to communicate to these people that we definitely have an actionable legal claim here, and that what they've done to us would make for some terrible publicity. they seem unfazed. the best they could come up with was a suggestion for another hotel that has the same date available. they told us repeatedly that there was nothing they could do since the other group had a contract in writing, and they even insinuated that we were perhaps the ones who were lying -- they said they couldn't know if they situation we had communicated to them was what actually happened until their wedding coordinator came back in town (if that ever happens). essentially, they screwed us over, and not only did they refuse to do anything about it, but they implied that it was our fault. what an uncanny ability to add insult to injury. sometimes i'm really just baffled about how people like that end up in managerial positions. they're supposed to have competence and discretion and they seem to have neither.
i suppose the reality is that these people get paid either way. so they don't need to care about us. they don't need to be fair or just or do the right thing. they don't need to treat us well or build a good relationship with us, since we weren't gonna be repeat customers in the first place -- but the meeting company that booked the medical conference will be, and they will pay them more every time. we're not their most profitable interest here. so whether or not what happened was just a mistake on the part of the wedding coordinator, or was a deliberate effort to dispense with us in favor of a more lucrative endeavor, we got screwed. and these people really have no incentive to make things better for us. such is capitalism, i guess -- only do what you have to do to get paid.
i know, i know... there's wisdom in this, there's a hidden blessing in everything, it will all be ok. but really, i'm so sad. people are terrible. and i really hope this whole wedding thing works out for us...
Congratulations on your wedding. However, I wish to point out some things, which I hope will help in my humble opinion.
First of all, I have had the experience that a lot of Persians go through similar experiences. In fact my daughter's friend encountered similar problems. Over the years we've had the pleasure of witnessing many weddings. There seems to be a stark difference in the way Persian weddings are handled and how the rest of humanity goes about it.
As far as I recall a Baha'i wedding should be a simple affair. But Persians go out of their way to make sure that everyone is impressed. While I find merit in this to a point I also wonder why it is that everyone else can get married through a simple ceremony, gather about 300-400 guests and then get on with their lives.
In my experience, I really feel bad for Persian parents. When it is a daughter that is concerned everything falls on their shoulders. They end up spending $40,000 or more on just one evening. Where in the Writings of the Faith has it ever been stated to be so lavish? Imagine spending that sort of money on some worthy cause.
Imagine enacting one's beliefs through everything one experiences in life. What an example a wedding would be if they held a simple affair at a church or some place not so lavish and spent the money that was earmarked for the luxuries of that night towards helping the Baha'is in Iran?
The most elegant wedding I have been to involved two American Baha'is who were wed in an open field where over 500 people had gathered to witness the vows. Many community members pitched in with the food and other amenities. It was a community affair and the joy will always stay with our family.
In the finaly analysis all of life's problems are our own creation to a large degree. We alone are responsible in the end. This is very hard to accept. But once accepted, one begins to tread the path to real freedom and inner peace.
I hope that everything works out for you and your family, and I am in no way implying that your family or you are like the Persians I've mentioned. But I do hope you will consider all possible venues, perhaps even a Baha'i center in your area.
Weddings and their planning are only as complicated as we make them. If we can only get our emotions out of the way, logic will dictate that they are actually easier done than talked about.
Dude, that sucks! Unfortunatly, just because you try to live up to a higher standard of service doesn't mean that those around you will. I'm sure it's much harder to tolerate such incompetence and gross negligence from others when you yourself strive to attain excellence in all things.
Posted by: annonymous at May 26, 2006 11:30 AMNas--that is really awful. You guys are in my prayers, I know this wedding thing will work out. :)
Shawn--I'd like to point out some things. If you had any concept of what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, you wouldn't have typed a single word in your last comment. I'm pretty sure you had no idea what you wrote was extremely insensitive, mean, and racist, but I'll ask that next time you start to write about someone else's life, you take a minute to try to imagine what life is like for them. In addition, if you knew Naseem or the Kourosh family at all, you would be very ashamed right now for committing all those words to print.
Posted by: lacey at May 26, 2006 12:52 PMshawn,
i see that this comment is not as accusatory as your previous comments, and that is appreciated. but my patience is wearing thin. what you may not realize when you jump to your conclusions or make your comments is the following:
a) we are in fact going to do just that – have a simple ceremony (maybe 20-30 minutes max) with about 300-400 people present. as convenient as it would be to do it in an open field, it’s going to be texas in august, and it will literally be 100 degrees, so we really can’t do it outdoors. lord knows we can’t fit that many people in my house, so we searched for a hotel.
b) my extended family alone is literally 140 people. i could not have a small wedding without truly hurting the hearts of many people who have loved me, prayed for me, and taken care of me all my life.
c) if we had a potluck wedding for 500 people where everyone chipped in, it would still be an expensive affair overall, we would just be distributing the cost to our guests instead of paying for it ourselves. either way, it costs money (that could theoretically be given to the fund, according to you). in this case, it’s my family that is spending it, and we’re fine with that.
d) “O MY SERVANT! The best of men are they that earn a livelihood by their calling and spend upon themselves and upon their kindred for the love of God, the Lord of all worlds.”
~ Baha'u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words
e) i believe holding a Bahá'í wedding is one of the best ways to share our faith with people and to create an atmosphere of love and fellowship that is conducive to unity. i can’t imagine a better way to spend time or money.
f) in our faith, our contributions to the Bahá'í fund are confidential because they are a personal spiritual sacrifice between us and God. for you to assume my family is not giving to the fund, or that we are spending money on weddings instead of giving to the fund, or that we could be giving more to the fund, is presumptuous, inaccurate, and insulting. especially since you mention the Bahá'ís of iran – many of my family members and family friends were martyred for them faith or continue to live near impossible lives in iran for their faith. to think for one second that we dishonor that is simply absurd.
g) and lastly, while you seem to be in the habit of incriminating persians and calling them abnormal (which they most certainly can be in some cases, and i will definitely grant you that), i'm once again shocked at your blanket statements. i will say for the record that the largest, most lavish wedding i've ever heard of was held by 2 black families -- they treated literally 1,000 people to a full week of festivities in a four-star hotel.
so stereotypes seem not to serve us in these situations. i'm about as unconventional a persian as you'll meet, and my goal has always been to make my wedding as unconventional as i can possibly make it, despite people's protestations. please don't think my wedding will be like what you've seen or what you imagine.
***
and “anonymous,” i don’t know who you are or what makes you feel you have the right to be so sarcastic and rude. in fact, i don’t even think i know you, considering you seem to be somewhere in ohio. the fact is that all of us can be negligent and all of us make mistakes – myself included (obviously). and yes, we should all strive for excellence. i only hope that when we make mistakes that hurt others, we can be honest about it and try to correct it. what bothers me is when people don’t care to do that because there’s no money in it for them. and that’s all i was complaining about. i think that was fairly clear from my post, and i think that if you knew me at all, you wouldn’t feel the need to make such comments.
i also think there’s no point in making such jabs when you don’t even have the audacity to identify yourself. at least shawn has always had the decency to identify himself.
***
and truly, both of these comments make me wonder… if there are people out there who don’t like me or don’t like what i have to say, why do you keep coming back here? just go elsewhere.
and lastly, thank you lacey. you are a true friend and i love you.
Anonymous, here. Wow. I think it's a testament to how stressed you really must be that you percieved my comment as "sarcastic and rude." There was no meanness intended, truly. I don't know you very well, but I have the utmost respect for your family and, by extention, you.
I have been an observer of your blog for some time. I find much enjoyment and inspiration from the blogs of other Baha'i youth. I feel so alone in my community and this helps me feel connected, you know? And I wanted to remain anonymous because I am cripplingly shy, have all sorts of insecurities, and am not used to participating in a public forum such as this. The reason I finally made a comment was because here you were, sharing your hurt, baring your heartbreak for all to see- and the only comment was Shawn's senseless diatribe. I simply wanted to offer a word of encouragement. Sorry if it came out all wrong.
anonymous, if you did mean well, i'm truly and completely sorry. i just feel like i take so much crap from people on this blog, many of them posting anonymously. i thought you were being facetious and mocking my frustration -- especially since i've had comments that did just that previously (for instance when i made that original post about striving for excellence).
i often feel like, no matter what i say, someone's gonna find fault with me, and i'm really tired of feeling like i need to explain or justify myself on my own blog. please accept my apology.
also, it would be nice to know who you are. comments made in kindness are always welcome -- i know i definitely appreciate support. (actually, even critical comments are more welcome if i know who i'm talking to). so feel free to let us know who you are and to comment when you like. and, of course, you can always e-mail me if you want... naseem ~ 19 ~ at ~ yahoo.
Posted by: nas at May 26, 2006 08:02 PMI am so sad to read your comments, Shawn. I'm writing not specifically to you but because so many of our dear friends make assumptions about Persians simply because they don't understand the culture.
I'm sure many people (Persians and Americans included) do things for "show". As a Persian woman married to an American I have the bounty of being close to both cultures and there are beautiful aspects to both. Of course, there are also areas for improvement in all cultures.
In this specific situation, however, I want to shed a little light. Many Persians pride themselves on being gracious hosts. When you host a wedding for your child you are the ultimate host. Therefore, you want to provide the best there is (venue, food, flowers, etc.) not just for your child but for your guests as well. Just a positive perspective on something you view as ugly.
And Lacey, I couldn't agree with you more. I know members of Nas's family and they are the most giving and loving people that I know!
Posted by: Mouzhan at May 26, 2006 10:00 PMFolks, I think I am misunderstood. I said in my comments that I did not mean to say that Nas and her family were of the Persian extraction that I talked about. I was merely saying that unfortunately it has been my experience and from what I see in the Writings I'm a bit confused. How did Baha'u'llah get married? And what about the day when we realize that our family is more than 1,000 people? Are we then responsible for other people's feelings if they get hurt, by not being invited? How about the whole planet? Are we not connected to them? Are they not family?
I am merely commenting to be educated about this matter because it's happening with many families and it happens over and over. Weddings tend to be a very complicated affair. I do wonder why, because they don't have to be. As for putting myself in someone else's shoes, I go beyond that. I live their lives in that I've seen quite a bit of pain in my life.
I apologize to Naseem if it seemed like I was singling her out and my comments were aimed at her. And it is a testament to her courage that she even allowed the comments to stand there.
So thank you for this. However I think my comments were misconstrued.
I realize that Naseem is the exception to the rule and that her family is a great one from what all the comments seem to be indicating. I just hope it all works out.
I see now why my comments were taken out of context. I greatly apologize as that was not the intent.
God bless you and your family. I am sure that it will all work out for the best.
oh naseem, i'm so sorry. it's awful when you have your heart set on something and people seem to be completely unremorseful for ruining your dream. let's hope that you have just this one stumbling block. and as my mother always says when things like this happen...that place wasn't meant for you. you will rise above and find an even better place. screw the westin. i'll do my part and not try to stay at their establishments. down with the westin!
Posted by: meisa at May 27, 2006 08:15 PMProtest! I think the best way to resolve this is to protest against the Westin. Let's all picket there and show our support for our friends and family.
I agree with Meisa.
Oh, Naseem joon, I am so sorry about this. I hope that by the time I am writing this you have found another, even better wedding venue -- and if you have not yet, I have total confidence that you will. Much love to you!
Posted by: +mojan. at May 28, 2006 11:06 PMThank you everyone for you love and good wishes. I really think the when these things happen it is becuase God has something better in store for us. It always seems to be the case.
Posted by: artemis at May 30, 2006 04:31 PMMy beautiful sis, don't you worry about a thing and pay no attention to hogwash and tom foolery with people's il-advised commments.... :)
I know for a FACT that your wedding is going to be great..... It is written....
luv ya!!
Posted by: Pierre at May 30, 2006 05:23 PMcongrats! saw sina & neda this past weekend, heard from them, hadn't been by the blog in a while, enjoyed the updates, very, very happy for you both, you make a beautiful couple... let me know if you need local counsel for a dtpa claim on the westin... ;)
Posted by: big tex at May 30, 2006 11:47 PMHey Naz- I’m so sorry… I know this completely sucks. I wish that there was some way that I could help (you know if you need brownies for moral support I’m all over it :-)) I’d offer to look at places here in DC, but this is probably the most expensive city in the country to get married in. I'm sure that everyone telling you it will work out ok, doesn’t help much when you are feeling stressed, but I feel compelled to reiterate that sentiment. You and Greg are such wonderful individuals, and you make such a special couple… where ever this wedding is… how ever it happens… it will be perfect… as it will be a union of two individual who are so special and who love each other very much. That being said I completely feel for you, and agree that inconsiderate and untrustworthy people suck! I hope this gets resolved soon….you were both in my thoughts and prayers while I was at the temple this weekend…In the meantime please take this post as a long-distance hug from DC.
Posted by: Alissa at May 31, 2006 11:47 AMHi Naseem,
This is Paige from Minnesota. I don't know if you remember me. We've only met a few times. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your blog, and that I hope everything turns out well. It's unfortunate that people can be so duplicitious, but hopefully it will just make you appreciate the end result, once this is all behind you. In any event, good luck with the wedding. I know it will turn out beautifully.
Take care,
Paige
thanks, everyone, for your support. it's so nice to know y'all are thinking of me and praying for me.
and welcome, paige. :)
Posted by: nas at June 1, 2006 09:45 PMHi Nas,
Congratulations on the wedding! One thing I'd like to expand on is what Shawn mentioned earlier... especially in point A. If you are truly just excited to be married (in a 20 min. max ceremony as you say) then scouting a location in multiple cities and locations seems a bit much. It stinks that your wedding planner skipped town, but as they say, ALWAYS GET IT IN WRITING. The fact of the matter is, the medical party did get it in writing, smart cookies that they are. You went on your word to someone who in the end is only worried about getting paid. It's sad, but in the end, I know you only want to get married, right? It doesn't matter the location, right? No need for going through 5 months of agony for a 20 minute ceremony, right?
Posted by: A Girl at June 2, 2006 09:53 PMTo A Girl:
A simple response to your post can be found in Naseem's entry "Going Public":
[Does Nas] even know you?
That being said, I would like to reiterate Lacey's advice found in an earlier post: You should try to place yourself in someone else's shoes before you say anything. Being in someone else's shoes means that you understand someone enough to the point where you're past judgment and you feel like you could've made that same decision yourself. So let me take a moment and go through what it might(and I do stress the 'might') have been like to be in Nas's shoes.
When you have a wedding for 300-400 people, you need a large room. There are just not that many large rooms around. Furthermore, you have to get the large room at the right time, at the right price, with good people that you trust. Naturally, the logistics of scheduling such a wedding will take a lot of effort (i.e., multiple cities and locations), regardless of how 'simple' one would like the wedding to be. And really, it is so very terrible that someone would like a nice wedding at a nice place to celebrate their special day?
As far as getting stuff in writing, that's very practical advice. They did try to get it in writing, but the employee was telling them, "Trust me, I got it, I'll take care of it." They had no reason to distrust her, so they took her word for it. Then she dropped the ball. Who was wrong? The employee. Sure, they could've pressed harder to get it in writing. You can always blame yourself for anything that happens to you. But you have to be careful to draw boundaries at which point your responsibility ends, because otherwise, you're going to end up blaming the victim. You'll find a world where children kill their fathers because they woke up late for school and women are harassed because their clothes were too revealing.
Posted by: edward at June 3, 2006 01:18 PM