like a fish needs a bicycle...

sleep to dream

"i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream."
-- fiona apple

i think my sleep has never been so disturbed as it has been in the last 8 months or so. but law school has done lots of other unprecendented things to me, so i suppose it's not too surprising...

it used to be that no matter how preoccupied, upset, or depressed i was, i could sleep easily. no matter how anxious i was, how busy i was, how much i had left to do, i could sleep easily. even when was i was grieving for loved ones, i could sleep easily. sleep was my refuge. i never slept excessively, but i always slept enough and i slept well, and sleep was what helped me recover from and/or get through whatever it was i dealing with. sleep was functional. when i first heard fiona apple say that she doesn't sleep to dream, i thought that was so poetic. i don't either. i sleep to live -- hopefully to live well.

but these days, my sleeping is not exactly conducive to living. these days, it's often the case that even when i'm completely exhausted -- so much so that my body aches and i can't think clearly -- i lay in bed for 30 minutes, thinking and worrying, before i can fall asleep. and then in the morning, i sleep through several alarms without any recollection of even hearing an alarm, much less turning one off. sometimes, in the morning, or even when i take naps in the afternoon, i wake up completely panicked and disoriented -- i sit straight up in bed and struggle to remember what day it is, what time it is, if there's somewhere i need to be at that moment, if i slept through something i was supposed to be at, or if i slept so long that i won't have enough time to meet some deadline for class. it's a novel experience, and it's not pleasant.

it's strange, because i really am a generally happy person. i've been busy, overextended, and exhausted most of my life, and i've always been happy being that way. i don't really know how to be any other way. of course, everything is a matter of degree, and i'm far more busy, overextended, and exhausted than i've ever been. still, i'm happy. i'm genuinely grateful for my life and i like living it. so i'm not sure why such a basic element of my physical existence has been so adversely impacted, and why i'm dealing with that much more anxiety because of it.

since september, i've been trying to master my schedule... to sleep normal hours, work out regularly, eat reasonably well. thus far, i've failed miserably. i suppose it's some consolation that most everyone else i know here has also failed miserably. i think such is the first year. maybe i'll do better next year.

for now, i'd settle for just sleeping well.

Posted by naseem at April 3, 2006 01:30 PM