dear officer douchebag,
i pity your pathetic, indiana-tollyway existence. you evil evil white man... your pretense to protecting public security and keeping the peace is so hollow and laughable that i'm sure even those in your miserable state of ignorance see right through it. just had to harass the already frustrated, stressed, and upset brown girl, didn't you? didn't care that i had been ridiculously lost, that i was very late getting to where i needed to go and thus very upset, that i was already really sad and crying. all you could say was "ok" 72 million times in a row, as if that's a satisfactory response to any of the questions or comments i put to you, and all you could offer was "they pay me to do this."
really? they pay you to leave real criminals alone and to waste everyone's time, money, and energy going after innocent, generally law-abiding citizens like myself? they pay to you to make up lies about my actual speed and issue pernicious tickets and consequently suck precious funds out of a poor future law student? they pay you to be a mindless automaton? you get money for being a complete and total tool?!?!
you asked if i had any questions. my question was, of course, (through sobs) "yeah, i have a question: do you have any human sympathy?" your inane, non-sequitir, useless response was, of course, (in impeccable yokel vernacular) "ok... ma'am, you were in violation of the speed limit." huh? seriously? even if that were the case, the question still remains... was it really necessary to give me a ticket? was it really necessary?!
i explained that i'd never had a speeding ticket in my life, that today was abnormal (even if i was actually going as fast as you said i was, which i highly highly doubt), and that i'd drive carefully regardless of whether you gave me one or not--hence totally unnecessary to ticket me. so then you asked when it was necessary, where you should draw the line, at what point you should give tickets...
fair questions, considering you have no discretion or intellect. i can understand how you'd want some guidelines. you were probably well below the cut-off IQ for traffic cops--they don't let you in if you're above a certain intelligence level, you know--so, naturally, you wanted some help. i offered some. "i dunno, give tickets to repeat traffic offenders, those going 20 miles above the speed limit, those with less extenuating circumstances than i've had today... but not me!"
after that comment--which i'm pretty sure your brain failed to absorb--i caught sight of a gold wedding band on your left hand. i'm surprised my body didn't convulse from shock at that point, because attempting to fathom a female in existence who would voluntarily spend every passing day with you was beyond futile. willingly subjecting one's self to that kind of agony is probably beyond human capability under normal circumstances--thus there must have been some mitigating factors involved in the acquisition of that wedding band that i don't even want to try to conceptualize.
moving right along, i must say--with no saracasm or exaggeration whatsoever--that i've never felt such intense, unabiding rancor and rage towards any human being as i felt towards you today. the ayatollah khomeini tortured, imprisoned, and killed members of my family and their friends and countless others of my co-religionists in iran. and yet, i don't hate him. but i hate you. i was so surprised and overwhelmed by my passionate disdain for you--it was like nothing i've ever experienced. you do not keep the public safe--on the contrary, you endanger and harass them. you are not a public servant--you are the scum of earth.
luckily, i'm pretty sure there's a special circle of hell reserved for you... i'll have to check with dante on that one, but i'm fairly certain that such is the case. when you are rotting there, i hope to send you an immortalized copy of my first ever traffic ticket, issued by your idle and self-righteous hands... preserved on acid-free paper, and framed in titanium and shatter-proof glass. that way you can treasure it forever.
until then, here's to hoping that the time that remains of your pointless occupation of a small fragment of this planet is slightly less of a vile irritation to others than it was to me today. i'll pray for you and for them and hope that it will be so.
a civilized human being, quite unlike yourself,
naseem
Ouch!
Posted by: Lacey at July 8, 2005 10:21 AM"bad boys bad boys, watchagonna do, wacthagonna do when they come for you!!!!!!!!!"
Small towns here in GA are notorious for being speed traps. They suddenly drop the speed so they can stop you and divest you of your money.
Maybe here is better than most places? They routinely ignore people speeding 15mph over the speed limit. They also have stopped me for many a ticketable offense and let me go.
Posted by: ez at July 9, 2005 01:26 PMYeah, ez, they usually let women go, which is why this surprised me even more. We're all in the same boat on this one, Nazzy. I'm sorry you had such a rough go of it, though. I wish I could make cops nicer, but I think the crap they deal with every day turns them into bitter cynics.
Posted by: george at July 9, 2005 09:48 PMI feel you.
You don't even know how much. Beautifully written, though! hehe.