like a fish needs a bicycle...

closet-land security

first of all, i have to apologize for what has apparently turned into a 2-week hiatus. i really had no idea it's been this long... sure, i've been busy, as we all are all the time. mostly, i think i was just really entertained by my last post, so i didn't realize i needed a new one all this time. i must say it came in handy too, seeing as how i attended another persian wedding this weekend. good to be prepared for the inevitable... :)

meanwhile, it is officially hot in chicago. not just warm... i mean, the air is of course warm (even at night!), but in the sun, it's actually hot. it's not texas or anything (95 degrees for an overnight low this past weekend), but it's pretty hot...

so all this weather change, though quite welcome, can pose some problems for those of us (read: me) trying to dress ourselves (read: myself) for work in the morning (especially when looking presentable is expected). emerging from my 9-month hibernation on the frigid shores of lake michigan has left me a little disoriented as i try to put on sleeveless shirts, skirts, and sandals... especially since they're supposed to fit and match each other. not that i've lost the native texan in me or anything--she's still there and ready for summer, but she's just beginning to wake up and isn't quite back in the habit of getting dressed for warm weather every morning.

and this brings me to the point of this entry (yes, it has one, so hush). sometime last week, while tyring to dress myself for the humanly habitable weather, i noticed i was having a wardrobe crisis. of course, wardrobe crises are nothing new... i have no doubt that i and countless other woman have them routinely. but this time was different. i started thinking about all the different wardrobe crises i've had in my life, each with a different character and for different reasons... here are a few varieties, in no particular order of importance:

1. must find weather-appropriate clothing, can't seem to do so
2. didn't shave so i can't put that on
3. can't wear this because it makes me look fat
4. if i go with this outfit, i'll have to change my purse
5. apparently i have no clothes that are suitable for this particular occasion
6. my dad will tell me i can't leave the house in this (somewhat a non-issue since graduation from high school, thank God, but still a consideration when visiting my parents)
7. wore that the last time i saw the same group of people
8. if i wear this out, people may try to offer me food and shelter (luckily, this one wasn't too bad in college, since i went to school in austin, where looking homeless for class is socially acceptable)
9. everyone and their cousin is wearing a similar outfit/piece of clothing at the moment
10. i'm pretty sure wearing this will encourage people to mistake me for my mother (you wouldn't think i could ever be mistaken for my mom, white as she is, but actually, instances of people telling me i resemble or behave like my mother are becoming more and more frequent and frightening these days)

so that's just a few of mine that come to mind. (sidenote: notice the numbered list. i seem to be one for making lists lately... on my blog and in other areas of life. hmmmm...)

anyway, i suppose these various crisis experiences are part of life. it occured to me that i should find some way to bring order to them, to manage them in a meaningful way. that's when i decided that i could employ an ingenius system that is already in existence--conveniently created by our friends at the office of homeland security.

for the past few years, the terror advisory system, the levels and colors of terror (read: "turrr"), and the colorful alerts on the bottom of our TV screens have likely become a regular and yet completely inconsequential part of most of our daily lives (and is it just me, or does the box of color levels displayed on the website look eerily like "simon," that beeping/flashing-light game we played in the '80s?). ah well... no longer will this brilliance go unappreciated, no longer will this fabulous 5-tiered system seem useless to the masses... because i'm about to put its genius to good use.

so, my friends, here is my new system for the office of closet-land security (acting director, me).

green = low - (i could leave the house looking like this, but it's probably better not to... there has to be more in my closet than this)

blue = guarded - (hmmm, better change - don't want to scare people... although, maybe i'm safe from the matchmaking persian ladies if i don't look so good)

yellow = elevated - (yeah, i look bad - i'm casting serious doubt on my ability to see the visible spectrum of colors, understand progressive sizing in clothing, and/or remove body hair appropriately)

orange = high - (ok, we definitely have a situation on our hands. and i'm running out of time! ok, stay calm. what if i just put on everything i've tried on so far simultaneously...? then my actual person will be minimally visible... OR maybe i could explain my appearance by saying i have a random genetic mutation that causes me to dress myself this way...)

red = severe - (this is ridiculous. i think i'm going to put on a chicken suit.)

i encourage everyone to try out this fantastic new tool... it's sure to aid in our quest to dress ourselves each morning. applying labels, colors, and descriptions to wardrobe crises will no doubt take the fear out of potential clothing catastrophes. and it's more fun to come into work and let everyone know that you're dressed at orange alert today.

Posted by naseem at June 8, 2005 10:02 AM