like a fish needs a bicycle...

God willing, it'll be your turn next...

my friend negin is pretty smart. she works about 30 feet away from me. from time to time, we like to talk about things that concern us. everything from bringing ourselves to account (see "intelligent person" mentioned in previous post) to the joys of being a hairy persian girl. of late, we've been discussing our experiences as persian women in our early 20's... especially the experiences we have as we attend more and more weddings.

on a side note... i personally have lost count of how many weddings i've been to in my life (that's how we roll, you know... weddings galore). but i have been keeping a rough tally of how many of *my* friends or cousins in *my* age group have gotten married since we've all come of marrying age. i think it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 weddings in the past 4 years. wow.

here's the fun part. negin and i, being the different individuals that we are (albeit both brilliant, beautiful, and amazing), and living different lives composed of differing social circles, somehow manage to have frighteningly similar experiences. what's more, we're pretty sure these experiences are somehwat pandemic, affecting all unmarried persian women between the ages of 18 and 35 who happen to attend weddings where there are persians.

so basically, it goes like this. we show up at a wedding and:

a) smile and keep our mouths shut
b) exchange polite formalities with our grandpa's cousin's former classmate's friend's mom, who remembers seeing us when we were "this big" (accompanying hand gesture with palm approaching the ground)
c) spend 5 minutes talking to the bride's mom, assuring her that, no, we really haven't gained any weight since she last saw us
d) talk to our friends in english and pretend we don't speak persian (this one is rough because it embarasses our parents... but hey, do what you gotta do)
e) hide in the bathroom, hoping that we won't be found by one more grandma trying to marry us off to her grandson/nephew/great nephew, etc.

regardless of which course of action we pursue, we inevitably get accosted by a stream of persian ladies (of varying ages) who smile with pity and tell us in the most tarroff-y persian possible, "God willing, it will be your turn next." charming, really.

here are some possible responses that negin and i have brainstormed, not only for our own use, but hopefully for that of all other women in our position who could use some help in dealing with the absurdity...

so, she says "God willing, it will be your turn next."
we say:

1) "i'm already married." (only funny if you're lying)
2) "i'm already married--to your son, actually. you didn't know?" (funny if you're lying, but ridiculously hilarious if you're not lying)
3) "i actually got married--you just weren't invited." (be careful, could result in bodily harm)
4) "maybe i'm just too ugly to ever get married." (this one is great for shock value, but watch out because it might prompt them to suggest new body parts to tweeze)
5) "i can't make persian food." (always good, even better if it's true)
6) "yeah, well, I have this odd growth, you see..." (powerful if true)
7) "sorry, i don't like men." (doesn't it possess some degree of truth for all of us?)
8) "i'm actually committed to a lifetime of celibacy. i'll never give you grandkids." (that one's the kicker)
9) just wait til the next funeral and say the same thing to them. (JUST KIDDING! way too evil to use) :)
10) *slightly ribald* "well, what's your son doing tonight? / what's your grandson doing tonight?" (extra points for saying both, let us know how it goes)

ok, not that we would really say any of these things (well, maybe we would if pushed far enough... so consider it a potential resource), but it's nice to envision the satisfaction that might be had if we suffering young persian women were to say such scandalous things. y'all got any more?

Posted by naseem at May 26, 2005 05:08 PM