Bahᒵ?llᨠsays:
so i've been thinking a lot lately about what it is to bring myself to account. last week, an intelligent person i know made a passing comment about being emotionally honest with herself when bringing herself to account. i didn't say anything at the time, but those few words brought an entire part of my mental processing to a complete halt. i continued the conversation normally, but the corner of my brain that stopped and took notice during that exchange has been working on this issue since then...
there is a small piece of paper, taped to the wall by my bed, right above where i lay my head when i go to sleep. it's says "bring thyself to account" in colorful block letters. i made it several months ago, thinking it would be a good way to remind myself to do so when praying and meditating before bed. since then, i've been much better about trying to bring myself to account... but now i'm wondering how i can improve not just the frequency and consistency of my accounting, but the quality of it.
mostly, i think about what i did each day and do some kind of strange arithmetic about "things i did right/well" and "things i did wrong/badly." somehow i feel like this can't be the spiritually nuanced understanding and evolution-oriented process that Bahᒵ?llᨠwas talking about. i mean, if death unheralded came upon me, and i were called to give account for my deeds, i don't think He would want a two-columned laundry list of my daily transactions.
i think i initially started doing it that way because i once heard a speaker at a bahᦣ39;í £onference talking about achieving excellence in all things, and he suggested building from strength to strength, rather than weakness to weakness. for some reason, that created a mental model for me where i could just categorize my actions, attitudes, or interactions into strengths and weaknesses and do a tally a the end of the day.
sure, evaluating strengths and weaknesses is good. but surely this can't be the deep, reflective, growth-oriented spiritual process that He had in mind when He told me to bring myself to account. my understanding of most other aspects of life tells me that things aren't really that dichotomous anyway. that's where this whole "emotional honesty" thing comes in...
so, said corner of my brain has been tossing all this around lately... am i truly examining myself and my relationship to other human beings? am i really learning through a cycle of action, reflection, and new action based on the reflection? am i really tapping into the essence of my existence?
how can i account for my deeds in a meaningful way? how can i be emotionally honest with myself? i saw episode 3 last week (quite liked it), so this phrase has been ringing in my ears: "search your feelings." i feel like i do that often... i blog, i journal, i think about and talk about my emotions all the time. and yet somehow, i don't know that my daily self-accounting is the searching, reflexive, productive process it needs to be.
should i be writing things down? do i need some kind of formula or worksheet? i'm wondering how i can become systematic and fruitful in bringing myself to account...
any ideas?
Posted by naseem at May 24, 2005 03:35 PM"cycle of action, reflection, and new action based on the reflection?"... sounds like you need a cluster reflection meeting. That is, a cluster of brain cells =). (Nato would be proud of that pun). Seriously, the advice that cluster reflection gatherings be held periodically and focus on a few specific lines of action is might be applicable here too. You've tried one (or more) line of action in achieving a better accounting. Continue experimenting and re-evaluating.
From Episode I:
QUI-GON : Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.
OBI-WAN : Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...
QUI-GON : .....but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.
For me, bringing myself to account means remaining aligned with the Force, or, more appropriately, God's will. So I find myself most emotionally honest and best aligned when I'm constantly mindful, that is, bringing myself to account throughtout the day. Doesn't mean I think I'm great at it, but that is what -- in my best moments -- I try to accomplish.
Posted by: Stephen A. Fuqua at May 25, 2005 11:54 AMThe brain has capabilities that transcend everyday, run of the mill rational thought. Perhaps you could incorporate a bit of meditation into your evening prayers. The easiest form is to count breaths: one to four and repeat. Focus only on breathing. As any other thought enters your head, gently push it away and recenter on breathing.
It sounds like you're searching for some sort of disciplined accounting, but I don't think list making is very fruitful. If you can temporarily unshackle your spirit from your mile-a-minute brain by forcing all thoughts out of your head, a somewhat organic accounting/communion can take place. It doesn't happen often at first, but disciplined practice can yield undiscovered fruits.
Posted by: george at May 25, 2005 02:36 PMGooooood Post Nas. Simultaneously one of those I needed to read this for my own mental processes, and one of those I have too much to pander on the topic to keep it in the blog-o-sphere. Sometimes I think this is what real blogging is for - it creates mental connections and helps us grow - human interaction at it's true form.
Posted by: Abs at May 25, 2005 10:57 PMhm... i can't remember if it was between you and i that "emotional honesty" came up, but it is something about which i have been thinking and talking lately. :) in any case, i invite you to consider bringing yourself to account not only from the perspective of reporting on your conduct for the day but also telling your story.
in the first case, i recognize that "calling to account" is like holding oneself answerable for one's actions, and this implies ownership of one's actions and words. so, in addition to or instead of a list, a helpful question might be, "did i fully own my actions today?" this explores the deeper nuances of consciousness and one's will/choices.
in the second case, we all have a story to tell, and it is in the telling that we often learn a world of things - from ourselves and from others. giving an account of your day, then, might be more like telling your story for that day, but not within a dichotomous framework about good and bad deeds. more like, "once upon a time, there was a young woman named naseem. one day, she did this amazing thing..." i'm being a bit facetious here, but i'm just trying to illustrate that our stories are meant to evoke and remind us of the magical qualities of life, the spiritual qualities - the moments throughout the day that were just perfect for simply being what they were at that time.
i'm rambling a bit now... the lateness of the hour and all that. sorry... but i invite you to consider what your story might be.
Posted by: delara at May 26, 2005 01:38 AMdelara, i don't know you (though it is very possible, nay, almost certain that i may have fleetingly met you at a kourosh family function), but you sound like a writer. from those words will spring action, and from those actions will burst forth a poem . . .
naseem . . . i can't say that i can offer any ideas, since my self-reflection, now that i am in the midst of studying for the boards, tends to center upon the various metabolites of the citric acid cycle . . . but i just wanted to say hi and that i hope you're doing well!
Posted by: edward at May 26, 2005 01:49 PMthanks, y'all. these are good suggestions. meditating peacefully (instead of forcedly), focusing on the present and feeling myself in it, and telling my story... all things i'm starting to incorporate into my daily accounting. i love my friends. :)
Posted by: nas at May 31, 2005 09:30 AMokay - i tried delara's storytelling idea. fantastic! one cool thing about it is that you can write the story the way you perceive your day to have happened and then... you can re-write it as what would have happened had you been coming from a different emotional or spiritual place. for instance, you can look back at the story and say, "okay what would have happened had i approached my day like an adventure or with curiosity/anger/fear/joy, etc..." and you can see what different choices you might have made... i love it!
Posted by: kari at June 1, 2005 10:55 AM