like a fish needs a bicycle...

forms of oppression

this week, at least once a day, i find myself suppressing an exasperated scream. law school financial aid applications have, in many ways, truly sucked the air i breathe. as i fight to keep my head above the choppy waters of the sea of applications, documents, and deadlines (especially those that have passed), i find myself constantly swallowing mouthfuls of confusion, ineptitude, and frustration. so, naturally, my air supply is becoming more scarce...

i know this might all seem melodramatic. but honestly, i can't express how overwhelmed, bewildered, and profoundly disgusted i am. i actually had to go to the house of worship the other day for some intense prayer, just to prevent some major freak out. the wealth of financial aid materials that i've received from so many schools--each stack from each school having its own irritating peculiarities, mind you--has made me feel like such a powerless and incompetent little person in a huge world full of scary finances. and it has completely drained the joy out of being accepted to law schools.

in general, it just seems to me that there is a vast world of money out there that i don't properly understand and that i am far from able to adequately navigate. i know that as i grow older and become more independent, i'll start to figure some stuff out, but i can't help but think that i'll never truly feel comfortable or knowledgable about all this. in some ways, i think that's attributable to having been blessed in life--blessed enough that my parents have always been able and willing to take care of me and my education. i don't think that makes me a brat--perhaps just heretofore a little less acquainted with these processes than others. and like i said, i'm sure i'll figure some of it out as i go along. but, somehow, i think this is about more than just me...

i have this strange feeling that there is a vast and frightening system of money and finance that rules the world... it seems to be characterized by a dizzying amount of structure, complexity, and contingency, and it appears to be designed by an elite few for the express purpose of confusing and oppressing the masses. now, i realize that theoretically, "anyone" can benefit enormously from this system. but with most of us being far less financially savvy than said elite, i can't help but think that the reality of the situation is far different than the theory; the reality being that this oligarchy becomes a contrived but effective tool for the financially inclined to create seats of power and occupy them--especially in materialistic societies.

so, basically, i'm part of the financially disinclined multitude, and i'm at times disoriented and unhappy because of it. right now is one of those times. and i just wonder, at least for now, when i'm not yet a grown-up and i'm still just a resourceless kid, doing an unpaid internship in service to my faith, trying to get my parents to help me figure out my own finances, and trying to freaking go to law school...

couldn't someone (with the power to do so) please just make this easier for me and my fellow prospective students? we're still getting educated, we're still learning about the world, we're still holding on to hope that we can make said world a better place. would it be too much to ask for someone to facilitate that noble process just a little? to make this whole oppressive system of finance a little more palatable? to offer me a little clarity and a little peace of mind so that i can continue to grow up happy?

Posted by naseem at April 13, 2005 10:24 PM