meisa the troglodyte
i have become a recluse. no wait, i was always one.
it seems so easy for other people to be in a large group situation and talk without those awkward silences. but i can't do it. i look at a new person and have absolutely nothing at all to say. i rack my brain, trying to think of what i might say if it were, say, nick standing in front of me. or andrea, or cynthia. why do i have the ability to talk to these people, but have nothing to say to strangers? before i used to argue that it was a choice. that i didn't like to carry on useless conversations about nothingness just for the sake of being social, when i would walk away and barely remember the name of the person i'd just spoken to. but now i realize that it isn't a choice, i just can't do it.
yesterday morning i went to a brunch reception for newly admitted chicagoland students to william and mary so that they could ask questions of a recent grad. i hung around for about a half hour and shared some awkward silences with several different people. then decided i would rather eat hyena intestines than be there any longer, so i just snuck out. i didn't say anything to anyone, but just picked up my purse and left. i couldn't even bring myself to mutter an excuse to the host about how i had to go to work, or how i had to go meet a friend, or how i had to get out of that room because i would rather eat hyena intestines than remain socializing at her house.
the big question i keep asking myself now is how i made any friends to begin with? if i don't like to talk to new people, how do i continue to make friends? i ask you, my friends who read this blog, how did we become friends? i really have no idea.
Comments
It appears that social retardation runs in our blood. I have no idea what to say to new people. Nice of you to go to the W&M shindig - I probably wouldn't even have made it in the door.
Posted by: shokufeh | June 14, 2004 03:04 PM
i think it is so much harder when it's forced--when it's something you feel you *have* to do. e.g.: i have nothing to say to justin's stepmom. i will always have to be around her, but i cannot bring myself to make interesting conversation.
but when you find something in a stranger that stimulates you, you *want* to know more-- which leads you to asking questions, and opening up yourself, too. perhaps it's something instinctive-- a "vibe," if you will-- that we feel we have something in common w/ that stranger. (this is harder to feel in large groups, i think. otherwise you're basing this feeling on appearances alone.)
bottom line: you are a cool person, meisa. if any of those people at the w&m thing had been cool, they would've wanted to talk to you, too :)
Posted by: cynthia | June 14, 2004 03:15 PM
You're so not alone! I even have a hard time talking to people I DO know. And it seems to be getting worse as I get older! ugh.
Posted by: +mojan. | June 14, 2004 04:35 PM
I think it's a lot harder out of school because in school you were forced to see the same people every day. We met because we weren't allowed to go the bathroom alone in elementary school. But even apart from that, we sat at the same table in class, so were forced to interact, even if at first it was only mundane things. I think a lot of people don't talk easily with new people. And I agree with Cynthia... u b way cool, if anyone in there had gotten your vibe, they would have come over to talk.
Posted by: juliebutt | June 15, 2004 02:02 AM