meisa's lagoon

i found out this week for sure that my ex-fiance has a new girlfriend. i had suspected earlier, but now i know for truth. it's kind of hard to be uncertain about this when she answers the phone at his apartment and identifies herself as his girlfriend. the term "mixed emotions" doesn't even begin to describe how i feel. when i first suspected, i went crazy. while this whole mess was my decision, i just didn't take the news very well. i mean, who likes to think that they are that easy to get over? i was hysterical for a couple days...fortunately, this coincided with a visit home and i was able to get through it. and funny enough, i've moved on to feelings of true happiness for him. every once in awhile i get little twinges of "what if" and sadness that he has moved on, but most of all, i'm happier that he is happy.
what is it then, inside me that keeps asking and wondering what she looks like, if she's prettier than me, if she makes him laugh the way i used to, if his parents like him as much...basically like some sort of competition. it's kind of funny, i'm sure as she hears more about me, she will wonder the same things and feel like she is competing against me...a race where the two competitors have never met.
i really wish him all the best, but a small part of me will always hope to be better than her. which is silly because as i've learned since we have broken up, relationships and love vary so much. you can't really say one is better than another, but just different. i was truly in love with mac for a long long time and nothing will ever change that and i don't ever want it to. i hope he can say the same about me.