Shokufeh is... home

Feeling for the truth

Right now, I'm trying to relax enough to discover the truth.

One morning, when I was in fifth grade, there was a mouse in the classroom. It had probably made its way down from the attic, its regular life disrupted by that year's renovations. It seemed to be a young mouse, not really bothering anyone, just hanging in the corner of the room. Our teacher, Mrs. Gray, told us to just let it be, to let it stay in the corner. Our lessons went on as normal. But then the mouse decided to explore a bit, and came along the wall, under the radiator, to next to my desk. Since the teacher had told us to let it stay in the corner, I thought I should send it back to the corner. So I tapped on the radiator, close to the floor, with my book, thinking that would send the mouse scurrying. I then lifted my book back up to put it on my desk. I guess I must have then felt something, because I looked down and saw the mouse on my lap. I leaped up on the desk, screaming. The mouse fell to the chair. The book bounced off the mouse and onto the floor. I still remember - as if the camera of my memory zoomed in - the mouse lying on its side, its chest heaving. Mrs. Gray comforted me. My classmates Cameron and Jacques disposed of the dying/dead mouse. Despite the traumatic experience of that day, the memory that is strongest is the one from recess - standing by myself by the big oak tree in the backyard of the playground, shuddering at the feeling of even the wind blowing on to me.

Since then, though more than twenty years has passed, I'm very afraid of rodents. I've had periods when I dealt with the fear a little better than other times. Enough to bring home my lab rat from a class I took - I kept him as a pet for a while, then gave him to the zoo to be a stud. Enough to walk down the streets of NYC before the sun came up, but not enough to walk home unaccompanied at night (thanks, Jennifer!). Enough to return to China for a second year, despite the intense rodent experiences I had there. But, the fear is still there.

Along with the fear is a sense. I'm generally very good at sensing when a rodent is present. One time, in China, we had some guests over, and we were all hanging out in the living room. I kept glancing fearfully at the door, feeling a rodent was nearby or going to appear. My roommates eventually convinced me that I was being distracted by some packing tape that was sticking out from the wall or floor - that a breeze was moving it, making a crinkling sound. But, after our guests went home, one of my roommates looked closer in the doorway and discovered a tiny mouse that had somehow gotten trapped in the area. Another time (again in China), I was up late at night and went to the kitchen for something. All was quiet, but when I left the kitchen, I was moved to tightly close the door. (We usually just left it open.) The next morning, one of my roommates could hear activity in the kitchen and went in to discover the largest rat he'd ever seen. He did battle with it. Battle! As in, the rat launched himself into the air in attack. Eventually, the rat went out the window, the same way it had come in. Another time.... Well, I guess I should stop with two past experiences, so you don't think my life is all about the rodents.

This morning, I was in the kitchen getting some breakfast. As I turned to walk toward the counter, something dark moved quickly along it, sort of amongst the various things we have on the counter. It was so fast, I couldn't see what it was. But I screamed in fear that it was a mouse. My brother and dad reported that there had been a large flying cockroach in the kitchen last night. Those don't bother me so much. So, now I'm torn as to what it was. And trying to calm down enough to let my senses guide me to the truth.

Posted by Shokufeh at July 20, 2006 11:01 AM