Shokufeh is... home

Looking back

I've been a bit busy. But now that things are calmer, and I'm realizing a week has passed since I've turned 31, I feel compelled to write.

I found 31 to be more of a milestone than 30. Sure, last year, I was constantly thinking, I'm turning 30 this year. But it didn't really change anything. My thoughts on the matter were focused on those things society tells me the age means. Over the past few weeks, as my 31st birthday approached, I thought a lot about how my life has gone, how I want it to go in the future, where the last 10 years disappeared to.... I'm still working on some answers, but I have reached some conclusions:

One of the best things I can do for myself and my future is to not feed into my imagination. I don't want to quash it, because I think it is a good thing, one of my more charming characteristics. But I need to relearn how to use it. I need to move away from playing out the negative things that could happen, and freaking out in response to the anticipation. A balance.

I should take every birthday off from work. I had such a nice time, spending the day by myself, eating a burrito, checking out some books I wanted, reading, spending time on a part of the island to which I don't usually go, taking a break from my compulsion to be productive. Two trips to Kailua that day - the second with Sam in tow, for dinner at a Moroccan restaurant.

Despite my, shall we say, ampleness in places, I felt liberated wearing a skimpy bikini while floating in the ocean. I think its unrealistic to plan on spending every birthday wearing a bikini. But maybe one day a year? A reminder that this is my only body, and I should carry it with pride, no matter its state.

I regret that I haven't kept a jounal, of at least the significant milestones in my life. This is particularly bad for someone who has the habit of focusing on negative memories. In the days leading up to my birthday, I tried to review birthdays past. Some negative experiences stuck out, but I came up with some memorable-in-a-good-way birthdays.

1986 (8th grade, New Orleans, LA): Tam and I shared a birthday party, as we were prone to do in those days. Friends came over to her house, and we spent the night singing and dancing on a picnic bench. Okay, maybe not the whole night, but that's my favorite and most prominenet memory of the night.

1987 (9th grade, New Orleans, LA): If I'm not mistaken, the last of my birthday parties shared with Tam. I was at a new school, and was blown away when a trip to the Riverwalk mall turned out to be a surprise party complete with friends made in the past few weeks.

1991 (Freshman year, NYU): I watched my favorite show at the time - Blossom - and was super excited when it opened with Blossom being wished a happy birthday. For those of you hazy on the significance, Shokufeh means Blossom.

1992 (Sophomore year, NYU): I got my upper left ear pierced to mark the day. I still remember my birthday card from my boyfriend at the time - the front alluded to trying a new position, the inside showed a couple watching tv while hanging upside down on the couch. I don't know why it still amuses me. In celebration of several close birthdays, a group of us went to Serendipity.

1995 (Shenyang, China): My friends/students came over and we made jiaozi and talked and laughed and shared and, as we sat there, with our bellies full, my roommate Bill playing his guitar, I experienced a deja vu. Which confirmed for me that I was right where I was supposed to be.

1998 (New Orleans, LA): The city was recovering from a flood, I'd slipped back into school after leaving Peace Corps - The Gambia. I spent the day preparing food and then enjoyed a picnic and Symphony concert in Audubon Park with friends and family.

2001 (Evanston/Chicago, IL): Like probably everyone in the world in the latter half of September 2001, my life was in flux - I'd moved to a new apartment in Rogers Park a few weeks before, the Twin Towers had fallen two weeks before, I was working at the Baha'i National Center while waiting for a public health job to start. Mojan and Kari were insistent that I be celebrated, which I truly appreciate. Kari and Nancy opened their home, friends came over, salad bowl was played, a good time was had.

2002 (Honolulu, HI): My first birthday as a married woman, my first birthday in Hawaii, my first birthday where no one in my state of residence knew it was my birthday. Good part of it - Sam, back in Chicago, emailed me pictures of him presenting a birthday cake to me.

Posted by Shokufeh at September 30, 2004 05:19 PM