Toast for Brekkie

Resilience

Today has been an opportunity to demonstrate that the waters of my content run deeper than the ripples of the trials of everyday life. After spending 12 hours at work finalizing tomorrow's big presentation, I thought I'd reward myself with some Taco Bell for dinner. Unfortunately the man in front of me was quite perturbed by the fact that they had run out of beef. He decided to demonstrate his frustration but jamming his SUV in reverse and slamming the gas. I had someone behind me and nowhere to go, much less any time to react.

Long story short, I let the guy go; there was no cosmetic damage visible at night. I hope there's no invisible structural damage that might cause me trouble down the road. In hindsight I wish I'd made his release contingent on a promise to not act so hastily in the future, and spare us all the rotten fruits of little temper tantrums such as this.

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to the engineers, managers, and workers at Saturn. Their decision to design and produce a car with plastic bumpers saved us both the hassle of police reports, lost time, spoiled appetites, ill will, paperwork, and increased insurance premiums. I wonder if they knew that by engineering a little resiliency into their vehicles that they were cushioning the karma of drivers around the country. Thanks, Saturn. You've enhanced my life, and enabled me to pass your good will on to others.

And on to other things. Now that I have a blog I see blogs in the news, just like when you get a new car and suddenly see its brothers everywhere. This article about losing your job due to your blog chills me to the bone. But this one plays my linguistic heartstrings and affirms that it's ok for me to use seven thousand different ways to keep in touch with the people I love.

This article fills me with hope that through technology the world can become a better place. What I like here is that one advance can solve problems it wasn't even designed to address. Better communication in Africa can grease the wheels of humanitarian efforts, and foster connections between Africans themselves and with the rest of the world. So many things fall out of this; as it becomes easier to hear about the happenings elsewhere in the world, the human consciousness grows and injustice stands out in starker relief. Witness the global response to the tsunami.

And finally a bit of humor. I laughed out loud at this treatise so many times I had to pass it along. Don't take it too seriously. Those of you without an 84% nerd rating might not find it as funny as I did, but I give kudos to the author for being a mathematician and retaining such an engaging style. Thinking about the day the earth ceases to exist really puts my own little life into perspective. The time scales alone are enough to quell any existential angst. The only way I know to deal with the sobering fact that this planet's days are numbered is to laugh about it. Rather than be depressed, however, I take it as all the more reason to wring every last drop of life out of each moment with which I am blessed.

I feel the need

It's out. The big one. The one for which I've been waiting years-- nay, my whole life. Ladies and gentlemen, today I acquired a copy of Gran Turismo 4.

Buying in advance has its advantages. I was surprised when the store called today to let me know I could pick up my copy a day early. I trembled as they handed it over.

One of the first things I discovered is that I didn't have enough memory. After deleting a few odds and ends the game notified me that I could import the beginner licenses and 100,000 credits from GT3. A nice surprise, except that I discovered I hadn't completed GT3. Diligent man that I am, I spent the entire evening finishing up the rally challenges to garner 100% completion. Even winning four bonus cars at the end was anticlimactic; I had the endurance races out of the way already and besides, GT4 was calling!

I've managed the first race of the Sunday Cup. Of course the first used car I bought was an RX-7, though with 110,000 I could have started with a Tuscan. With this game, start small and tune up is the way it's done.

I'm forcing myself to bed for my 7:30 class tomorrow; this is a busy week at work finishing up my 6-month training program and finalizing my presentation for the big bosses. A couple things before I go, and you can be sure to see more about this tomorrow. In a quick look around I've found a few things GT3 was sorely lacking: more than one BMW (including a 2002 turbo!) and a McLaren. That's right, the fastest road car in the world. Finally.

More to come, people. If you're bored by this you might as well take a vacation from brekkie for a few months. Delara has a recent post about passion. This is one of my top three.

Conquest

Yes, the following information is two weeks old. But were you not so accustomed to the instantaneity of modern day communication, perhaps it wouldn't seem like old news. Ask yourself: is a fortnight really that long? I know what you're thinking. Our poor forbears. How did they live when it took months to sail the Atlantic?

How about sailing round the world...solo? Is that impressive anymore? I wonder how many people appreciate the sheer grit of explorers. Indeed, even if it's appreciated, it can't be understood until you take on the challenge yourself.

There are two reasons why I consider Ellen MacArthur a hero. One, she has just sailed round the world, by herself, faster than any human being in history. Two, in the days of cellphones, instant messaging, bluetooth, and everything-on-demand, she has proven there still exist unadulterated pursuits on the face of this planet, and that one woman can stand up to and answer their call.

Convergence

"Some days are better than others." My favorite thing about that phrase is its applicability to both good and bad. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I've just been so high since December. I'm not talking about a "Duuuuuuude" high, but something altogether new and different. For certain it has something to do with the weather here, and that I'm nearly finished with my 6-month training program. But rather than feel stressed, I'm just floating along, utterly content. Wait, did I just say that? Did I ever think I would say that?

The answer is no. So in an effort to understand my current state of mind, I'm going to spend a little time here filtering my inner monologue through the written word. If you're up to it, you're welcome to come along on the brain coaster. It may not be a wild or exciting ride, but you're guaranteed to get your money's worth in duration.

I was talking with Naseem the other day about coincidence. The word could have easily been a title for this entry, but convergence seemed a better fit. Incidentally, I've been mulling this post for two weeks now, so it was perhaps my subconscious that titled the heart photo "coincidence." I'll take that as just another example of the phenomenon I'm about to attempt to explain.

This new state of being is beyond what I've known before and my language is struggling to catch up to speed. The only way I can come up with to translate the feeling is to describe all the recent, little day-to-day experiences and something about my reactions to them. This will most likely come across as a laundry list, but my hope is that in seeing the parts laid out you can get a feel for the greater-than-the-sum whole.

First it must be mentioned that I feel surrounded, even at a physical distance, by people who appreciate the same things I do. And not just the "I like root beer. What? You do too? Let's be friends!" sorts of things. I'm talking about conclusions I've reached through years of struggle, ways of relating to my fellow human, profound concepts of life and beyond. Call it a reawakening of a dormant spirit. What's so striking to me is my sudden ease at even mentioning the spiritual. For a confirmed skeptical agnostic scientist, it can turn things upside down.

It occurs to me that this feeling of envelopment comes from somewhere beyond myself. That may not seem like much, but for someone who flirted with solipsism in high school, it is quite surprising. I revel in the inundation of emails, texts, phone calls, comments, e-cards, and most importantly, prayers from my newfound Baha'i friends. It is the prayers I believe that are closest to the source of my revelation, and seemingly the conduit for the joy and blessings that are heaped daily upon my head.

I need to take a moment to reflect on what I just typed. I haven't believed in prayers perhaps ever before. For as long as I can remember I've been conflicted toward concepts of the divine. But try as my left brain might, it can't fathom any other source for this string of epiphanies.

Clarity is a good word to describe my new appreciation for minutiae. An example: today I heard the cry of a seagull from the clear blue sky when walking between buildings at work. Whereas before it may not even have registered, now it served as a tangible reminder of my good fortune, a symbol of what I hope to be a new life. I laughed out loud.

Last week I stood in line at the cafeteria, as always. I normally observe other humans' behavior and attempt to piece together clues about their lives, to think of what it might be like to be them. But on that day something opened up, and I didn't have to imagine. For a moment I saw the light in each one, buried underneath a lifetime of experiences and masked by the daily routine. I welled up in tears.

On the way home today I was listening to Stairway to Heaven, as I have hundreds of time before. But obvious cliches aside, for the first time I could hear every individual instrument simultaneously creating the whole. It was as if I finally knew what Robert Plant was singing about.

I finally picked up The Flaming Lips' Yoshimi. Moving. Transcendent. Almost an anthem to my awakening.

The rest of the miscellany would really be lost in written word, or take too much background for a small punchline. Ferraris, cigarette boats, free food, TV shows that aren't reruns, random conversations. But all contributors nonetheless.

Here's what I'm getting at. As a skeptic I could probably say it's not the events that have changed, rather the one who experiences them. In the flesh, though, that's really missing the point. This harkens back to a conclusion I reached years ago, but nonetheless must remind myself of every day: even if this is all illusion, even if it's only chemicals in the brain, even if it could one day be described in exhaustive totality by some future incarnation of science, the experience wouldn't change. And that's what's important. That's the point. That's how I live my life.

I can say at this very moment that there is nothing I would change. I even tried to imagine today what life would be like if the past could change. It's impossible, but if it weren't I'd still leave it alone. The French have a phrase: déjà vu. It's something I've experienced in spells throughout my waking life and in my dreams. Translated literally it means "already seen." Right now it feels as though I've transcended déjà vu. The best way I can think to describe it is "toujours vu." Always seen. It's as if I've been raised up. A swell in the sea and suddenly I can see further in every direction than the five feet in front of my face I've become accustomed to seeing throughout life. The sight even goes beyond space and into time. There is nothing but the present, and the present is nothing. And everything. You see where language falls apart when I try to pin this down. I'm reminded of björk's line in Alarm Call, "I'm no ... buddhist, but this is enlightenment."

Why record this? Why share? I can't say that it's because I think I can help anyone else. I have a friend who has achieved a stage of enlightenment and even in years of conversations with him and my own furtive attempts at meditation I haven't seen the same thing. I can think of two immediate purposes and the rest I leave to the future and to your reactions. One is that I've had friends like Lacey and Delara ask about what's behind the euphoria that sneaks in and peppers my speech in emails. And the other is a reminder to me. This is not the kind of happiness that comes from a single experience, or a drug, or can even be ascribed to any cause and effect. It is self aware, and firmly grounded in the knowledge of evil, melancholy, sadness, grief and despair. I put this down now knowing that everything changes, and this feeling cannot last. But I can hope that its inclusion of the knowledge of its opposite will help me in that time in the future when I suffer again, and find it hard to understand the existence, much less the experience, of true happiness.

Coincidence

Snapped this photo yesterday at the freshmarket. The sunlight reflected off an ashtray and split itself neatly around a corner of brick. It's the stuff of poetry, and people just walked right past, too busy to notice. I don't know which of the three saints is responsible for this little heart, but the omen is well received. I'm finished with my past bitterness regarding being single on this holiday. Spring is just around the corner, and love is in the air. Can you feel it?

Contrast

Honestly, folks, I don't know why I'm posting this. I just feel compelled. I know all of my Baha'i friends prudently avoid politics, and that this topic is the most polarizing in recent history. I also have friends directly invovled. So how about this: I won't comment. I'll leave you to your own conclusions; I just wanted to expose you to these two links. The contrast is profound.

Lt. Gen. James Mattis, It's "fun to shoot some people."

Spc. Christopher Leverkuhn, "I don't hold any grudges." (Scroll down, click on "Wounded in the Line of Duty" then "Play" on the audio sequence)