Toast for Brekkie

A solution to speeding

Dear Mr. Policeman,

I need you to admit that speeding tickets are just a revenue generator. I argue that it is not speed that kills: it is untrained drivers who don't pay attention and drive beyond their limits. It is my contention that your prime motive in so vigilantly enforcing speeding laws (to the neglect of other traffic laws) is not due to your altruistic aims to improve the safety of the driving public, but to positively affect the bottom line of your annual budget. How else to you explain monthly quotas?

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, Mr. Big Words McFancyTalker, but you just want us to say that the laws don't apply to you."

Oh, for sure, all the basic traffic rules, like red lights and school zones and stop signs do. But speed limits on highways don't. Just look at Germany and the autobahn: unlimited speed on certain sections, and far fewer accidents per capita than the US. Gosh, how do they do it, Andy?

"Yeah right, kid. Don't try to impress me with your foreign statistics or Mayberry references. You just want us to say that you're a better driver than most people."

Yeah. I do.

"Oh yeah, Speedracer? Prove it."

That, my dear officer, is an exceptionally good idea.

Lest you imply that I'm one of those people who are always pointing out the problem but never offering a solution, I humbly present to you the fruits of my most recent epiphany. If we can both agree that traffic tickets are your primary source of income, allow me to propose a system that would satisfy your need for cashflow and my need for speed.

First, I submit that there exists an infinitely variegated spectrum of drivers, from the incompetent to Michael Schumacher, from the safe to the downright "dangerous to society." The solution? Graduated licenses.

I can see it now: it would be just like the progression of racing licenses, from amateur to professional. The average person would need nothing more than Class D to cart the kids to soccer practice, get the groceries, and commute to work at the speed limit. But for those of us that like to go fast in a competent, responsible and safe manner, I propose the option of higher grade licenses, like so many grades of beef. My skills would place me somewhere around, say, a filet.

Now before you start in with your infinite list of naysays, allow me to present the details:

There would be a rigorous test for each grade, created and refined by the readily available community of performance driving schools, engineering test centers, professional and stunt drivers, and all-out racers. For example, you don't get to go 100mph on the freeway in your Camry until you can complete a 600-foot slalom in an unmodified Mitsubish Lancer Evo VIII at and average speed of 70mph. Make it as rigorous as you like, but make it fair. Indeed, the unlimited license (Class U, above Class A) should be nigh unto impossible to qualify for.

All the normal traffic laws would still apply. Don't pass a flashing schoolbus. Right on red only after stop. Absolutely no speeding in school zones and congested areas. Don't tailgate. And on and on. The crux of what we're discussing here is travel on our nation's highways where the speed limit is already elevated, and the road is essentially smooth and clear from obstructions and intersections. I'm talking about interstates with 70mph limits, or long four-lane highways that run through the empty midwestern states at an excruciating 55mph.

"But what about enforcement? We'll have to come up with expensive high-tech methods to allow the speed license holders through speed traps." Not so fast, Smokey. You wouldn't need to make any changes to your time-honored system of hauling people off the road for a crime they might commit. I'll be happy to pull over for you (if you can catch me), as long as you wave me off with a smile when I show you my platinum license. But make it quick, I don't have all day.

So that clears up the enforcement issue. "But how will we afford it? Surely it will cost us." Ah, there it is. The prime mover of the world, the grease for the wheels of society: How do we get paid? The answer: charge me.

I pay north of $200 when I get a traffic ticket and fork out for the ensuing traffic school. How valuable would it be to my wallet to essentially pay in advance? How valuable would it be to my psyche when I'm not constantly distracting myself from the grave duty of paying attention to the road by looking for your nefarious speedtraps?

What I mean is this: work out how much you think you're going to lose in speeding ticket revenue over the lifetime of the license (retesting would be required as we age), then charge me that amount to either take the test of acquire the license. Your choice (pssst: the former would be more lucrative). You would not only cover the expenses of developing and enforcing the new system, you stand to profit. Not to mention create a watershed industry of driving schools that help would-be speedracers attain the skills necessary to make themselves better drivers!

On the question of "equality." People are not equal. Period. Remember, all of you out there in Politically Correct Land: diversity is to be celebrated. Our differences make the world exciting and interesting. Variety is the spice of life, and any other cliche you can think up. Also: discrimination is not a bad word. Now, before you burn me at the stake, listen carefully, and don't confuse my meaning: just because people are not equal does not mean they should not be provided equal opportunity. Everyone gets to test for a license. Everyone gets to try for a higher grade. And discrimination should not be applied to unchangeable attributes, most especially those we are arbitrarily born with, and which have no bearing on our spirit or character, such as skin color or country of origin. That's unfair discrimination. But it's perfectly OK to discriminate upon qualities that are achieved through hard work, whether college degrees or racing licenses, olympic trial qualifying times or attempts at a world record.

Allow me also to put to rest any lingering doubts about the safety of speed: graded licenses would be subject to the same censure as normal licenses. First, a screening process would deselect any candidates with an extensive record of accidents or recklessness (with, of course, a chance to prove on the test course that their record is "just a fluke"). Second, the test would be difficult and expensive enough that once the speed license was attained, there would be a strong incentive not to jeopardize its benefits through poor driving decisions. Third, the license would be immediately suspended upon any accident in which it was determined that the licensed driver was at fault, with a necessary suspension period (a year, say) and a required retest. What needs to be understood here is that you are actually improving the average quality of drivers on the road by implementing this system.

Which brings me to my final point: this is a win-win-win situation. You, the police, win because you get your all-important money. I win because I get to exercise my driving skill without fear of punishment. Society at large wins because people will be more likely to drive at their skill level, and those who are unsatisfied with their amateur license now have an impetus to enrich and improve their lives through learning while simultaneously stimulating the economy!

So there it is. If you need help, I can work out all the nitty gritty details. Heck, I'll even run the school that certifies drivers so that all you need to do is see my students' certificates of completion and issue them their corresponding graded license. All we need now is a city or county progressive enough to try a pilot program. Any takers? Indianapolis, you run the 500. You could set an example for the nation! California, you're the de facto leader of progressive states. Wanna make all your SoCal street racers safer?

Please. I beg of you to take back one small measure of our lost culture of responsibility. This could be a first step toward the eventual elimination of frivolous lawsuits and corrupted, money-driven government. But before we get too ambitious, can I please just drive fast?

Posted by George at October 17, 2006 11:04 PM