Toast for Brekkie

Ephemera

Tonight I have been given a glimpse. Strange that a film some may consider naïve could be a catalyst. I’ll save my Episode III review (and the rest of the maelstrom) for the future. Right now my aim is to capture this epiphany before it slips away.

I must ask that you forgive my feeble brain and indeed the shortcomings of language itself. I promise this is my best attempt.

On the drive home tonight there was a moment when my imagination gave way to a greater reality. The sense of awe was overwhelming and my reaction could be nothing but gratitude. In one singular moment I experienced a host of realizations too large for me to grasp. It was like seeing the curvature of a planet after a life spent on its two-dimensional surface. In a wide sweeping arc I could see further than I have before; it was too much to take in. It was beyond me.

The feeling was much the same as a dream. Suddenly my eyes felt larger; my vision expanded to encompass a greater view. The purity recalled the first stirrings of my consciousness. I felt like a child, with knowledge of things unspoken, untarnished by the thing we call life.

As I descended back into myself I was able to cling to only two nuggets of wisdom. The first stems from my aforementioned gratitude; the second will smack of theodicy or even Zen, but that is only a result of my limited skills at communication.

In this moment, and I will most certainly suffer a lapse in this realization, I do not fear death. This can certainly be regarded as the first time I have ever said this with conviction. I apologize for my inability to precisely describe the nature of why. It is partly a result of profound gratitude for every moment I have lived. Not that I do not see a path for myself, and not that I wish for this existence to end. Only that it is enough. I have lived.

The second pearl is sister to the first: I do not resent the misfortunes in my life. On the contrary, I am thankful for suffering. Without it, there is no frame. In the absence of trials I would have no character. Is it not tragedy that brings out the best in humanity? It is the other face of the coin; it is the roots of the tree’s limbs. There is no separation, only coexistence.

It is impossible to explain the freedom of relinquishing control. Indeed, it was merely an illusion; I never had control in the first place. I must give up clinging to life to unshackle me from the fear of death. I must release my hope for happiness to end my suffering. It is my humanity that keeps these truths from being fully embraced. The struggle to the top of this hill has only revealed the path ahead, the mountains to be climbed. Now I must walk that path. Now I must die trying to scale those peaks.

This is the first step.

Posted by George at May 19, 2005 11:09 PM