I'm not fasting today, and I'm not happy about that. It's a good way to encourage detachment in me, though, which, after all, is the point of fasting. Ironic.

I went to bed last night with a horrendous sore throat and muscle aches, and I woke up in the middle of the night with severe abdominal cramps leading to the complete (I hope) and rapid (unfortunately) expulsion of whatever was in my bowels at that time. Bleh. The upside is that I woke up with clean insides! The downside is that I'm actually sore from the cramping. Crazy.

So, yeah. I have a cold. I blame Steve (who has been sick since last Thursday) even though it's more likely I picked up a virus from a little person. Between Sam (the boy with whom I work) and nephews and nieces and other kids who are just around, it is quite likely in any given week that I'll pick up a bug from a little person. Darn children. (Kidding!!)

Moving on now.

As you may or may not know, I teach yoga classes. I love it! In many ways, I feel I was designed to do this kind of work in life -- healing, spiritual and physical work. Did I mention I love it? Next month, I begin a four-week teacher-training program through the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, and I am SO EXCITED! I can barely contain myself on most days. Seriously.

Anyway, to prepare for the training, we are reading Kripalu Yoga: A Guide to Practice On and Off the Mat. Even though the book is mostly about yoga, it is really about paths toward general health and wellness. I highly recommend it even if you are not into yoga, per se. Today, I turned to a section called "Navigating the Journey of Change" -- SO appropriate for the Fast, no? What I read resonated VERY strongly for me, so I thought I would share:

Awareness is the first step in lifestyle change. Feelings and insights that arise during yoga practice are important signposts, but life provides constant opportunities to see yourself and grow in self-awareness. As you attune to where you are right now, you often have a strong sense of the direction you want to move.

Acceptance is being at peace with however you are showing up in the moment. Acceptance frees up the energy required to change. Judging yourself for not being better only undermines self-esteem and drains energy. Without acceptance, there is little possibility for true change and absolutely none for enjoying the process.

Adjustment is making a desired lifestyle change to enhance well-being. Start with easy-to-accomplish adjustments you find pleasant. Inspired by success, you will naturally move on to areas of greater challenge. Avoid the trap of wanting to change everything overnight, or feeling that the changes required are so great, that it is not even worth starting. The secret to long lasting change is gradual adjustments over time. (p187 -- emphasis in bold typeface is mine -- italics were included in the original text)

WOW! Really, wow! You know? I often say in my classes, "Honor where your body is today -- it is simply one point along a continuum of growth and flexibility. In time and with gradual efforts, your postures deepen and you move ever closer toward proper alignment in the asanas. Give yourself some grace, though, if your body isn't where your mind imagines it 'ought' to be. Focus on the little steps." In the context of yoga practice, letting change happen naturally and gradually makes complete sense to me; it is very obvious to me, in fact. However, there is an UTTER LACK of application of these principles in my personal life! How did that happen? Wow.

I am totally that person who wants everything to change overnight! Especially in my relationships. It affected my first marriage, and I realize that it is affecting my life now, despite the fact that I am aware of it. Sometimes it feels like a runaway train, though--no matter how hard I try NOT to expect change RIGHT NOW, that expectation just takes over.

So, I am reflecting DEEPLY on these principles: Awareness, Acceptance and Adjustment. Wow.

For today, I am reflecting on these quotes:

Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow is not yet born. We can only live in the present. (Yogi Amrit Desai)

Let each morn be better than its eve and each morrow richer than its yesterday. (Bahá'u'lláh, Tablet of Wisdom - Lawh-i-Hikmat)

scheduled an appointment with the Optometrist -- I see new glasses and contact lenses in our future!

uploaded lots and lots of photos to Flickr (yay!)

received my FIRST donation for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer -- WOOT! (thank you, Sonja and David.)

worked a few hours with Sam

found a good recipe for broccoli cheddar and made it for dinner because my honey requested it

Skyped with Mojan and Kamyar!! (the HIGHLIGHT of my day, believe me!)

fasted all day despite an impending sore throat (I'm not amused)

attended an Alanon meeting

reflected on a lovely quote from the Bahá'í Writings (see below)

thought of you

For today, I am enjoying this quote:

O God! We are as plants, and Thy bounty is as the rain; refresh and cause these plants to grow through Thy bestowal. We are Thy servants; free us from the fetters of material existence. We are ignorant; make us wise. We are dead; make us alive. We are material; endow us with spirit. We are deprived; make us the intimates of Thy mysteries. We are needy; enrich and bless us from Thy boundless treasury. O God! Resuscitate us; give us sight; give us hearing; familiarize us with the mysteries of life, so that the secrets of Thy kingdom may become revealed to us in this world of existence and we may confess Thy oneness. Every bestowal emanates from Thee; every benediction is Thine. ('Abdu'l-Bahá, Bahá'í Prayers [US, 1991 Ed], p111)

In other news, I'm looking forward to springtime. PLEASE let it come quickly!! I'm done with winter, thank you. I would like my capacity to enjoy the sunshine to be filled!!

Ok. That's all for now.

For today, I am smiling at these quotes:

Wherever we are we have the capacity to enjoy the sunshine, the presence of each other, the wonder of our breathing. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

Make me ready, in all circumstances, O my Lord, to serve Thee and to set myself towards the adored sanctuary of Thy Revelation and of Thy Beauty. If it be Thy pleasure, make me to grow as a tender herb in the meadows of Thy grace, that the gentle winds of Thy will may stir me up and bend me into conformity with Thy pleasure, in such wise that my movement and my stillness may be wholly directed by Thee. (Bahá'u'lláh, Prayers and Meditations, CL)

The vast majority of my friends and family have been affected by this disease in one form or another, either directly or indirectly. Both of my parents have undergone treatment for cancer. Several of Steve's family members have had cancer, including one of his aunts, his uncle who passed away last year, and his precious cousin Robbie who is still struggling to beat his cancer--bless his heart! And I just found out this week that the mother of one of my dearest friends was just diagnosed with breast cancer. It saddens my heart.

I often ask myself, "What can I do about things that are well out of my hands?" Well, today was my first day of training for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Chicago--one of nine sites for the Walk this year. I am STOKED about doing this walk! I have been wanting to do it for the past two years, ever since mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. (Thankfully, her treatment has been successful, and our Pilgrimage together this year was [for me] a little celebration of this triumph!) For the next 13 weeks, I'll be walking anywhere from 14 to 42 miles each week, preparing to walk about 40 miles altogether over two days in June. AND I will be walking with a couple of dear friends during the Avon Walk--WAHOO!

I am doing some fundraising for the Walk and invite you to support me if you feel moved to do so. Simply check out my Avon Walk page and click the pink Donate Now button. Your charitable contribution--however large or small--is dearly appreciated and will help me reach my goal!

To share my gratitude, I will offer SPECIAL GIFTS to some of my supporters!! Things like, oh, CD mixes, handmade greeting cards, monogrammed stationary, and other one-of-a-kind goodies. It'll be a surprise! And, of course, you will also have my eternal thanks for being an angel.

If you are not able to contribute funds, please consider saying a prayer or two for me during the walk, which is June 5-6. I am sure I can use ALL the support possible in that respect!!

Tweet this, please! Rock on.

For today, I am basking in this quote:

Be generous in prosperity, and thankful in adversity. Be worthy of the trust of thy neighbor, and look upon him with a bright and friendly face. Be a treasure to the poor, an admonisher to the rich, an answerer of the cry of the needy, a preserver of the sanctity of thy pledge. Be fair in thy judgment, and guarded in thy speech. Be unjust to no man, and show all meekness to all men. Be as a lamp unto them that walk in darkness, a joy to the sorrowful, a sea for the thirsty, a haven for the distressed, an upholder and defender of the victim of oppression. Let integrity and uprightness distinguish all thine acts. Be a home for the stranger, a balm to the suffering, a tower of strength for the fugitive. Be eyes to the blind, and a guiding light unto the feet of the erring. Be an ornament to the countenance of truth, a crown to the brow of fidelity, a pillar of the temple of righteousness, a breath of life to the body of mankind, an ensign of the hosts of justice, a luminary above the horizon of virtue, a dew to the soil of the human heart, an ark on the ocean of knowledge, a sun in the heaven of bounty, a gem on the diadem of wisdom, a shining light in the firmament of thy generation, a fruit upon the tree of humility. (Bahá'u'lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh, CXXX)

Watching an episode or two (mercifully, without commercials -- thank you, DVD!) each night before I go to sleep changes my brain chemistry for the better, I am convinced. I find myself laughing often and out loud, and I wake up happy. I am sure the others in the house wonder what the heck is making me laugh late at night. He he.

Anyway, just thought I'd share the joy. No deep thoughts or ponderings for today. Too much to do!

For today, I am reflecting on (ahem, enjoying) these quotes:

I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait...what was the question? (Tracy Jordan [played by Tracy Morgan] on 30 Rock)

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? (Jerry Seinfeld)

This eagerly anticipated transition comes with mixed feelings. While we have been without a home of our own for the past couple of years, we most certainly made a home for ourselves with Steve's family. What a blessing! There are no words that can adequately express the deep gratitude we feel for the gift of home that Steve's parents so selflessly have offered to us since we came to visit TEMPORARILY in July, 2008. We have had the unique opportunity to know each other and live with each other as a family, and one of the resulting gifts is our bond of love and friendship--a fitting example of how families become woven together like threads in a tapestry through the marriage of their children.

Still, there is something very sweet and precious about the fact that we will be moving into our own space now. It is like being presented with a blank canvas--what shall we paint? What do we envision for ourselves? Where do we go from here?

As we give ourselves into the transition--taking care to honor our feelings and move slowly as we go--I find myself wanting to convey an appropriate amount of reverence for the process of rearranging ourselves into new homes and family units. I find myself trying to figure out how to maintain connections and foster the relationships that have been forged with love while creating a NEW family unit for Steve and me.

And interestingly, I find myself reflecting on the fact that at each point in my life when it was appropriate for me to "sever the ties" with home and move out on my own, somehow life's circumstances directed me back. After my first year of college, I moved back home and completed my undergraduate studies as a commuter student. After I moved out-of-state for my first post-college job and got married, I moved back home with my then-husband and even chose to buy a house with my mom. After moving away (again) and getting married (again), somehow we ended up back with family--again. There is a message in here somewhere--I am just not sure what it is yet. I will keep looking....

So, yeah. We are moving into a new home and, I pray, a happy and peaceful home.

For today, I am reflecting on this quote:

O ye homeless and wanderers in the Path of God! Prosperity, contentment, and freedom, however much desired and conducive to the gladness of the human heart, can in no wise compare with the trials of homelessness and adversity in the pathway of God; for such exile and banishment are blessed by the divine favour, and are surely followed by the mercy of Providence. The joy of tranquility in one’s home, and the sweetness of freedom from all cares shall pass away, whilst the blessing of homelessness shall endure forever, and its far-reaching results shall be made manifest. ('Abdu'l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, #222)

With several changes (one of which I'll share tomorrow) we are going through right now, I find I need a lot of time to process what is happening or it starts to feel like my life is spinning out of control. Which, of course, it is not, but that is what comes up for me. As I discussed it with Steve the other day, I realized that it is possibly about the fact that for the past two years we have experienced nothing BUT change! Every moment, something different could happen--and did happen, quite often! And the net result of our experience--during which I made fervent efforts to be strong and supportive for Steve--is that I suppressed what I was really feeling, which was a lot of uncertainty.

It is as though I now have a mild (very mild) form of PTSD. I startle easily and I need TIME and GRADUAL adjustments to move through changes otherwise I feel nervous and almost panicky.

With the overall state of the world and with all has happened here in the States over the last couple of years, I wonder how many other people are feeling this way? How many of us are feeling unsettled, uneasy? I imagine there is a lot of healing that needs to happen among people in our communities and towns. I also imagine we are not really talking about these things together (on the whole) and are, instead, just "trying to get by."

But I think we shortchange ourselves when we don't acknowledge what is happening for us in our hearts or, worse, when we brush off our feelings as though they are not legitimate. If we keep secret the things that burden our hearts, we perpetuate our feelings of despair and hopelessness and push ourselves further into a downward spiral. Paul Tournier wrote, "Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." If we share our burdens, however, somehow they become lighter. Simply by sharing with Steve what was happening for me and without any particular response or feedback from him (he didn't try to "fix it" for me), I felt more at ease. It was amazing--transformational.

It is SO important for us to NAME what is happening at the very least--that is what makes the feeling real and, therefore, finite (as opposed to imaginary and, therefore, larger-than-life). If we can name or acknowledge it, we can allow for transformation or completion. (This is also something the Kanes write about in How to Create a Magical Relationship.)

For today, I am reflecting on these quotes:

O ye beloved of God! When the winds blow severely, rains fall fiercely, the lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the bolt descends and storms of trial become severe, grieve not; for after this storm, verily, the divine spring will arrive, the hills and fields will become verdant, the expanses of grain will joyfully wave, the earth will become covered with blossoms, the trees will be clothed with green garments and adorned with blossoms and fruits. Thus blessings become manifest in all countries. These favors are results of those storms and hurricanes. ('Abdu'l-Bahá, Bahá'í World Faith, p395)

Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough. Not only have I found that when I talk to the little flower or to the little peanut they will give up their secrets, but I have found that when I silently commune with people they give up their secrets also - if you love them enough. (George Washington Carver)

I have been reading a book called How to Create a Magical Relationship by Ariel and Shya Kane, and I LOVE it. Every page gives me something new to consider about how I navigate the relationships in my life and how to invite transformation into those relationships.

At one point in the book, the authors describe an interaction they had with a workshop participant who was describing her awareness of the voice in her head and her clarity about how the voice isn't really HER. They ask her who she is if not the voice in her head, and her response resonates powerfully for me. She says that if she is not that voice (if that voice is not really her), then she is the person or being who LISTENS to that voice. "I am the one who listens," she says.

That was so profound for me. My immediate reflection was, "Well, if I'm the one who listens, WHY am I listening? What does it benefit me to listen to a voice that is often a misrepresentation of my true self--a mere echo of outdated and outgrown beliefs about who I am and what I am about?" So, why am I listening?

I recognize that listening offers me a distraction--a diversion leading me away from my soul's path. Walking our soul's path can be HARD WORK, people, and who doesn't like a diversion away from hard work?? Allowing myself to be distracted can seem like a little vacation, but it only gives me the ILLUSION of "taking a break" when really I'm just taking a shortcut again. (Remember that conversation?) I often wonder how many amazing experiences I miss because I choose the diversion or the shortcut. I wonder how my soul's unique purpose is being unintentionally thwarted because I reach for the distraction.

For today, I am reflecting on this quote:

O My Servant! Thou art even as a finely tempered sword concealed in the darkness of its sheath and its value hidden from the artificer's knowledge. Wherefore, come forth from the sheath of self and desire that thy worth may be made resplendent and manifest unto all the world. (Bahá'u'lláh, The Hidden Words (Persian), #72)

Speaking of morning routines, I'm trying our something new. I'm saying the Long Obligatory Prayer every morning for 95 days. I'm inviting transformation into my life -- a move inspired by one of my dearest life-long friends, Arya. My life really needs it. During Pilgrimage last month, a new (and also dear) friend shared with me that she says the Long Obligatory Prayer every morning. At the time, I thought to myself, "Wow, I'm lucky if I remember to squeak in the short one before sunset each day!" And it gave me pause.

"What," I thought to myself, "does it benefit me to short-change myself spiritually?" The spiritual facet of my life is one I yearn to continually nurture, yet there have been so many moments in my life during which I chose the shortcut rather than the beautiful but somewhat longer scenic route, so to speak. I don't think shortcuts are nurturing. I think they suffice in a pinch, but I don't think we are meant to live a life of shortcuts.

So, I decided to invite transformation to have its way with my life. Risky! And interesting. I will be sure to report on what happens. I am on day 21 of including the Long Obligatory Prayer in my morning prayers. Carry on!

For today, I am reflecting on this quote:

O My Servant!! Free thyself from the fetters of this world, and loose thy soul from the prison of self. Seize thy chance, for it will come to thee no more. (Bahá'u'lláh, The Hidden Words (Persian), #40)

January 1st sneaked up on me this year. It was a strange experience! Usually, I am more mentally and emotionally prepared to welcome a new calendar year -- the beginning of a new cycle. And while March 21st is truly the beginning of a new cycle (for me) in multiple ways, there is something special about January 1st for me -- maybe because it's also the beginning of a new Bahá'í month (Sharaf, or Honor). (Ok, it's the second day of that new month, but whatev.) Maybe because for many years I welcomed the new year with friends, reflecting on our hopes and dreams, supporting and encouraging each other in deeply spiritual ways. Or maybe it's because there is something peaceful about a snowy new year's eve (for those of us who have experienced it in northern climes) -- quiet, cold and crisp, pure and white, soft like a whisper.

In any case, it eluded me this year as a time of reflection and preparation. And interestingly, the last couple of months have seemed overwhelming and elusive -- like I'm chasing after a bus that I can't quite catch. For this reason, I'm deeply grateful for the Fast this year. I feel like this is a time for me to pause and reflect -- an opportunity to restore some purposefulness to my daily activities and to "catch up" a little on my goals and activities. It's also a time (as was Pilgrimage last month) for me to take my spiritual inventory and sweep away the cobwebs from the neglected corners of my heart and spirit.

I am grateful and fulfilled in this regard. I pray my fasting is accepted as a token of my soul's efforts along its journey in this world. I am getting on that bus.

For today, I'm reflecting on this quote:

We cherish the hope that through the loving-kindness of the All-Wise, the All-Knowing, obscuring dust may be dispelled and the power of perception enhanced, that the people may discover the purpose for which they have been called into being. In this Day, whatsoever serveth to reduce blindness and to increase vision is worthy of consideration. (Bahá'u'lláh, Tablets of Bahá'u'lláh, p.35)

HILARIOUS!!

Plus, I think it saved my life this month.

Now the ladies are dams -- mama goats. One of the dams gave birth to two sets of twins, the second set having just been born this morning at about 2:30am. Wow!

We went to visit the dams and kids today. It was rather amazing to me how adorable the babies were! Oh my.

Some still had their umbilical cords still attached, they were THAT brand new! The newest babies were a little chilly, so I kept one warm for a while by tucking her inside my warm winter coat. So sweet!

We had to feed a few of the babies by bottle for a little while because one of the mamas had mastitis on one side. Boo! But yay that Janel and the family were caring so lovingly for them! It was a pretty incredible experience.

Bring it on.

Note to self:
Encourage excellent customer service by being polite and walking people through the process of doing their jobs well. "Oh, you don't know what to do to resolve this? Well, how about if we..." Yeah.

Note to self:
Be very, VERY grateful you are not caught up in the buying frenzy creating stress in the lives of many right now. Yeesh.

Note to self:
Drink more water to avoid headaches. Thanks.

Note to self:
You WILL catch up with your Flickr photos one of these days. I promise.