now THAT is funny!
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Jacksquat (according to Stephen Colbert)
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Enjoy...
Jacksquat (according to Stephen Colbert)
Kudos to Glenn for posing some GREAT questions in his comment on my last post. In my post, I stated, “I struggle with my body image and strive to find balance with my sense of my sexuality.” In response, Glenn asked, “But what do you mean by ‘struggle’? What is the struggle? What is a ‘body image’? Is it your image? Or an image society has defined? What are you trying to ‘balance’ your sense of sexuality with?”
For now, I am going to stick with the first line of questioning, about body image, although I would argue that sexuality and body image are quite interrelated, especially for women.
So, what does body image really mean? I’m simply talking about what I think and believe about my body and my mind’s image of it. Do I think my body is beautiful? Do I feel comfortable in my skin? Do I move in a way that expresses who I really am? Do I feel healthy? Do I love every atom that comprises the amazing interrelated system that is my body? And I’m asking these questions on the same level as, Do I think my soul is beautiful? Am I developing my mind in healthy ways?
It kind of boils down to this: When I look at myself in the mirror, when I picture myself in my mind, what are the feelings that immediately come up for me? Am I happy? Do I feel disgust? Do I feel discouraged? Do I celebrate my beauty? Do I immediately locate my “imperfections” and harp on them? How do I react when someone sincerely compliments me? Do I accept their praise, or do I deflect it? Am I seeing myself through eyes of love—surely the way God sees me—or the eyes of a materialistic society that CONSTANTLY influences my view of myself, whether I want it to or not?
When I talk about struggling with body image, I am referring to the constant vigilance I feel I need to have in order to fight against two things: one is the totally warped image of women that Western society (read mass media) constantly projects and promotes as “attractive”, and the second is the unhealthy programming I have received in my upbringing with regard to the physical self. Interestingly, as I have matured I feel far less concerned or influenced by external forces trying to shape what I “should” look like in order to be “attractive” and far more challenged by my personal belief system about beauty, sexuality and my body.
Let’s face it. With regard to beauty and sexuality, women are held to a different standard than men in today’s “modern” Western culture—on many levels. Although I agree that there is also external pressure on men to fit a certain image to be considered attractive by our larger society, I don’t think it is as charged an issue as it is for women in terms of identity mainly because physical appearance has not historically been used against men (in terms of employment, academics, mass marketing, lawsuits, crime, media hype, etc.) in the way it has been used and even institutionalized against women.
Allow me to offer some personal examples of how my body image has been challenged throughout my life.
As a woman whose heritage is Middle Eastern, I am very familiar with body hair. I have never found it attractive—not even on men. I am not a big fan of beards and moustaches, present love-partner notwithstanding. And I am even LESS a fan of excessive facial hair on women. I think tweezers were created for a reason. But genetics being what they were, during puberty I had a bit of a fuzzy shadow on my upper lip and had some more fuzzies forming subtle sideburns on my face. Certainly nothing to rival Elvis’. I can’t tell you how many times I was called “hairy gorilla” or “hairy ape” by a few boys at school. To say it hurt my feelings would be a gross understatement. And I have spent many hours and dollars removing hair from various places on my body. And although I am at a point in my life that graces me with indifference about what others think about my facial hair or lack thereof, my childhood and adolescent experiences have left an indelible impression in my psyche about the gross unattractiveness of facial hair such that I continue to spend many hours and dollars removing said hair.
(Warning: Gross generalization and stereotyping ahead. I am aware this does not apply to EVERY Persian I have ever met, but the trend is certainly there.) There is this thing about Persians, and especially Persian women, and especially Persian women in your extended family—they’ll tell you exactly what they think whether you like it or not, and sometimes without a lot of what I’d call healthy filtering and sensitivity. I feel sad that I can remember so many times that I have visited distant family or family friends during my bad acne years only to have had someone quite loudly ask me, “What has happened that you have all these blemishes? You used to be so beautiful—what happened?” Um, yeah. Ok. Thanks.
And let’s not forget how comments from close family members—especially family members influential in my upbringing—have really messed with my body image. I have never been a “skinny” girl, and I have never really cared to be a “skinny” girl. I LOVE my curves. Real women do have curves, baby. Like many other human beings, I have gone through periods of time when I have felt heavy—perhaps a bit heavier than what would be healthy for my body frame and height—and times when I have been way too light. I want to be clear about what I mean by “healthy” here—I’m not talking about some magical number representing my “ideal” clothing size based on fashion industry standards; I’m certainly not talking about healthy according to a glamour magazine spread; and I’m not even talking about a healthy weight according to fitness industry standards. What I mean by healthy is something more like: able to walk up three flights of stairs without feeling sluggish, eating foods that are nutrient-rich and low in saturated fats, and being well-proportioned based on body frame, height and guidelines about obesity or excessive thinness. Moderation in all things, eh? But I digress… There have been many times, throughout my high school years and adulthood, when my physical size and weight were the first things noted verbally when greeted by an influential family member. Instead of hearing, “Hi honey! How are you? I have missed you!” as a first greeting, I would hear, “Hi honey! How come you’ve gotten so chubby?” or “Hi honey! Wow, you look great – have you lost weight?” This emphasis on my appearance—and not just weight as I’ve received many comments on the way I dress, whether or not I’m wearing socks, etc.—said a lot to me about what this family member valued about me.
But here’s my personal favorite—totally blows my mind. I have always felt good about the fact that I have good posture, much as I resented my dad poking me in the back when I was young as “encouragement” to sit up straight. I sit and walk in good alignment because it feels good and I feel it conveys my sense of confidence. When others notice this, however, they have asked me if I am standing or walking straight because I like to stick out my chest (read boobs) in order to attract men.
Wow.
Now, I'd like to clarify that merely pointing out imperfections in someone—although possibly uncomfortable—is not the issue here. It is that the imperfections are tied to BEAUTY. The messaging in these examples of how outside influences have challenged my sense of my body image and my belief system was that beauty and perfection were necessarily synonymous, and in very specific ways. Hence, the struggle: what was defined as beauty *for* me was having clear skin, no facial hair, no fluctuation in my weight or appearance, and vulnerable posture; therefore, what *I* defined as beauty was prejudiced, even though somewhere inside I knew better.
Certainly, to struggle with body image is not unique to women, but my familiarity lies with my own experience and that of women I know who all express that this struggle is an impediment to developing healthy self-love and self-knowledge—cornerstones to feeling whole have having healthy relationships with others. Body image, then, is not only a physical issue. Yes—it includes such things as being ok with our body—nay, LOVING our body—and respecting it and caring for its physical needs. But there is also the matter of aligning our thoughts about our body with our understanding of our spirit and allowing the influence of the spirit to shape our body and our beliefs about our body. After all, it is the throne of the inner temple of the spirit.
In his book The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz addresses the concept of self-love, meaning the recognition of the divine inside of each of us and the love we need to develop toward ourselves so that we support the life and spirit that flows within us. He talks about how without self-love and awareness we reject ourselves and cause ourselves to suffer by numbing ourselves with materialism, drugs, television, sex, codependence, and other forms of medication. This would be like immersing locking ourselves in the prison of self, ironically.
So, what will it take for us to learn how to love ourselves? How do we release ourselves from the prison of self? How can we better recognize our innate nobility such that we love—just as God loves—our very creation, every atom in our body, every hair on our head? How do we rid ourselves of the stereotypes and expectations and messaging that bombard our senses on a daily basis in overt and subtle ways? To be continued, for sure… but I’d like to share these two quotes for now:
O Son of Man! Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty.
O Son of Man! I loved thy creation, hence I created thee. Wherefore, do thou love Me, that I may name thy name and fill thy soul with the spirit of life. (Bahá'u'lláh, from The Arabic Hidden Words)