delara, interrupted

Wow. I am humbled by the experiences I am having. My internet access is only sporadic right now, so I was just able to check in on my blog today after having posted my thoughts a few days ago. What totally gets me is that it was as though I already HEARD the comments that were left on my last post before I read them today because I totally reflected on the same kinds of things. And there are two beautiful things about that. One is that it means I'm connected to God's will at the moment--I'm letting God run the show for me and I'm learning how to flow. Two is that I'm surrounded by amazing friends who feel like family and we all get to grow together. And that rocks.

So... to follow-up on my observation about the need to hold onto myself, I decided to just practice that. "Acting into right thinking," as Steve might say, was the way I've gone about it. So, I let go a little. I let go of the issues that were clearly being triggered by what's happening around me at the moment--issues from childhood, issues about my dad (who is in Hong Kong at the moment, and that kind of blows me away!), issues about how "other-centered" I can be at times. And I decided to just be me and do whatever I felt like doing without worrying about how it might affect others around me. And a few really cool things happened.

I felt okay, for one thing, about not "being there for" the people around me at any given moment. After all, the minutes of the day are my minutes too, eh? So, I've spent my days doing what I needed to, with an eye toward my responsibilities as well. And it has felt great, and I've been catching some awesome waves in the process. For another thing, an amazing confirmation happened. Out of the blue, on a drive back from an evening activity, my friend totally verbalized and acknowledged all the little things that had been happening all week that had been pushing my buttons and she held herself to account in a way that I really appreciated. It just confirmed for me that I had taken the right path - providing for myself what I needed and not focusing so much on another person's actions, intentions, etc. - such that whatever it was I needed was ultimately provided for me. This is a stellar example of being in God's will. I did what I needed to do and I let go of those things I had no control over anyway. And the results were beautiful and confirming of my desire to simply be about my own life and path and no one else's.

Incidentally, surfing and connecting with the energy of the ocean has helped me along this path. It's a very centering and empowering experience for me, especially that I got up SUPER early to do some surfing at dawn yesterday and that required getting over some fears (not being able to see clearly into the water) and summoning some energy at a time of day that is generally not my "alive" time. But it's been great. The water is beautiful, and although I have a killer bruise on my chin from my board and a few sore muscles, I feel so alive.

So, yeah. Being "aligned" with the universe (as I like to call it sometimes) is a great feeling. And it has led to some other realizations about other areas of my life in which I need to just let things flow and not push myself too hard. It's all good.

And it is--it is definitely all good.

Posted by Delara at 02:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I have been learning some interesting life lessons these days. I am not always sure I am experiencing a lesson as it is happening, and sometimes DAYS pass before I am even aware that I am in the process of learning. During that time, it just feels like pain, or sadness, or discomfort. If I were a little girl, I’d probably just be cranky and unsatisfied without the ability to express what is bothering me. Even though I am an adult, I still experience the emotions of that little girl, but I am grateful to have the words and skill to express what I am going through so that people around me don’t freak out.

One of the lessons occupying a lot of my thinking time seems familiar. I have faced it before, I have processed a lot about it before. Yet it is coming up again. It has a lot to do with standing on my own two feet and “holding onto myself.” Yeah—remember that one? Interestingly, I am yet again sitting at Livewire, on Maui, and writing about this life lesson. Wow. How about that?

So, how it is coming up for me now is so interesting. It is all about being solid in who I am and not letting that be overtaken by other people, especially in unhealthy ways. So, if I am spending time with someone who is, for example, very critical of what I’m doing although I feel fine about what I am doing, it is important for me not to be affected by that person’s criticism and to continue doing what I believe is right. Or if, for another example, I am sharing some news about which I am happy with a friend and that friend doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t react in an affirming way, I ought not question my happiness about the news. I ought not take it personally.

Rather, I need to be self-validating. After all, so much of this past year and a half has been about learning to BE myself and LOVE myself and be OK with myself regardless of anything external to me. I’ve been learning to trust myself, to live my life with honesty, to walk my path with integrity. So, why do I feel so challenged by that right now?

Could it be that I’m spending time with a friend who challenges my sense of self because hers is SO strong that it sometimes feels overpowering and doesn’t leave any room (or at least it is my perception that it doesn’t leave room) for another person’s agenda or being? And if that is the case, is that healthy? And do I want to be spending time in this way? Is it helping me in some way?

Yeah – it’s helping me grow. And I know that. And it will help me with self-validating in other ways in my life. It will help me be totally ok with myself and my feelings without questioning myself constantly, and it will help me continue on the path that feels right and true for me even though I may tempted to alter it drastically for the sake of another person. I’m looking forward to learning this lesson here and now…

Posted by Delara at 01:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I have often sat down to write—either here on my blog or in one of my journals—and tried to share what my journey has been like. I have done this because a lot of people have asked me about it, a lot of people have not been “in on it” as I have taken the journey, and a lot of people have said, “Delara, what little you have shared has been so inspirational that the whole story would be amazing.” Most importantly, however, I have done this because I felt I had something important to share in the spirit of wanting my life and all its foibles and fortunes to be of service to other human beings. (I am confident I will continue to write, I encourage questions and promptings from others, and I hope whatever comes of it is real and helpful.)

But… something shifted along the way.

In the simplest terms, I believe I transitioned from a mode of reflection to a mode of action. It seems more relevant and real for me to be LIVING my life these days rather than reflecting on it. It seems much more authentic for me to experience moments as they unfold instead of taking a step back to analyze them or understand how they fit into the bigger picture. It’s kind of like deciding not to take photos at an event to “capture the moment” and instead being fully present to soak it all in so tangibly that it leaves an indelible impression on your memory.

I moved to Nashville with many questions in my mind and my heart. One of them was, what does happiness look like for Delara? What does it mean for her? Great questions, and I encourage anyone wanting to live fully to explore this for him/herself. I have often made comments like “I feel blissfully happy” or “supremely happy” here and there, and those comments always seem to attract attention. And more questions. And a lot of support and encouragement.

Here’s what I can say about all that. Happiness for me looks like living my life one day at a time while envisioning a glorious future. It looks like being fully present, to whatever extent possible given our human limitations at times, and showing up for the tasks at hand. And it looks like being of service to others. Happiness for me involves honoring my intuition, listening to my knowing, and immersing myself in God’s whisperings. It looks like my simple home “in the country” by the lake. It looks like working with a spirit of service and spreading love and God’s light to whatever extent I can wherever I go. Happiness involves being impeccable with my word, always doing my best, and not taking things personally nor making assumptions. It looks like spending time alone writing or reading. It means that I don’t spend my time doing things that don’t contribute to my growth in some way and I don't settle for anything less than what I need or want - really. It is cooking and baking new things each week. It looks like spending time with beloved friends—new and old—and traveling to spend quality time with family. It includes not buying/having more than what I need and occasionally treating myself to something I just want. It means sleeping enough, resting my body, mind and heart, eating well, and exercising regularly but not obsessively. It looks like bringing myself to account each day, finding God in the simple pleasures of life, being my true self, following my heart and trusting in God, and recognizing my true nature as a noble creature. It means regularly telling the people I love that I love them. Happiness is a simple, balanced life, filled with light, love, spirit and soul.

And…

These days, happiness also looks like an amazing person whom I have found along my path and with whom I have begun to walk a new journey that supports and maintains my own simultaneously. Wow. I am not really sure what I can say to describe what this new experience is like. It’s honest, it’s scary, it’s beautiful, it’s real, it’s filled with love and light, and it often feels like a dream. The sweetest dream I could ever have imagined. Except… I know that I am awake. What I can say is that in following my heart’s desire in God’s will; in laying all my affairs in His hands; in simply striving daily without the expectation of perfection; in making difficult decisions, doing my work, living honestly, not settling for anything less than, and listening to my knowing with an open mind and heart—I have experienced a beautiful confirmation of God’s love for me (for everyone) and a true gift.

Sigh…

I have been meditating on this quote for some time now:

"...And the honor and distinction of the individual consist in this, that he among all the world’s multitudes should become a source of social good. Is any larger bounty conceivable than this, that an individual, looking within himself, should find that by the confirming grace of God he has become the cause of peace and well-being, of happiness and advantage to his fellow men? No, by the one true God, there is no greater bliss, no more complete delight.” ('Abdu'l-Bahá)

To think that I am striving to live, on a daily basis, in many different ways, the fulfillment of that quote—and that I have found someone with whom there is a “we” that strives to live this out as well and supports each of us in our individual paths—is almost too much happiness for a human being to bear.

Almost.

Posted by Delara at 12:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

In many religious traditions and scriptures, in literature and in mystical reflections on the world, there is often a correlation made between love and pain. The two seem to mysteriously go hand in hand. In whatever finite, imperfect, inadequate manner, I get it now. What I haven’t written about too much is the darker side of my experience over the past few years.

I haven’t really shared much about the many nights I would cry myself to sleep, the times I would angrily shake my fist toward the sky as if to scold God, the moments of desperation and fear that were so intense I honestly thought I might be going crazy. I haven’t really written about all the times I would scream at the top of my lungs as I drove home alone from a friend’s house at night. Or about the way I would just be so completely drained and tired that I had no desire to engage with other people in any way and would simply stay in bed for a whole day.

I haven’t said anything about the way I would start crying if I drove past a car on the highway and noticed a baby carrier in the backseat. I neglected to mention that there was a sinking feeling in my heart when I would receive the latest issue of “Fit Pregnancy” in the mail. I never really talked about all the physical pain I was experiencing that led to many physical therapy sessions and chiropractic treatment, the loss of appetite that contributed to my weight loss, the feeling of being physically drained all the time.

The dreams – lost. Hopes – dashed. The image of what I thought I wanted my life to be about – dissolved.

It wasn’t anything personal, by the way, that I didn’t share it. I just thought that when people asked me, “How are you doing?” they really didn’t want to hear me say, “Pretty shitty, thanks for asking.”

The amazing thing was that it was all so transitory. One day, I would be feeling tired and sad, the next day I wanted nothing except to spend time with a loved one. In one moment I would feel furious and angry with myself and with God, and the next moment would bring a wave of love so powerful I could feel nothing but humility and gratitude.

Above all, the true blessing was that I allowed myself to feel it all. I didn’t edit my experience. And in being real and honest with my feelings, I got to know myself pretty well. A night-watchman can take very interesting forms sometimes. Hm.

Posted by Delara at 05:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The way in which each of us arrives at that glorious place of knowing in ourselves is unique, and once we are there we pray we will never leave that place. During the past few years, it has been fascinating for me to study my path in life up to this point and all the things that have shaped me into who I am today. It has been wildly interesting for me to reflect upon—and believe me, I’ve done a LOT of reflecting over the past year and a half—the way in which I come to a conclusion about something, or the way I solve a question in my head or heart, or the way I connect and reconnect with “who I really am” and allow that connection to shape my decisions on a daily basis. It has been with amazement and awe that I have often come to that place of knowing, and it has all felt rather revolutionary to me, quite frankly.

It has been revolutionary because of the battles I have had to fight within myself—battles with myself, for that matter. Whenever I have reflected upon my greatest enemies in life, I always find myself staring squarely into a mirror and clearly seeing my own image. My two biggest nemeses take the form of statements:

I am not good enough.

I do not deserve to be happy because of all the mistakes I have made.

How these two monsters have wreaked (and continue at times to wreak) havoc in my life has been quite elegant. (She says sarcastically.) They are so insidious and deadly that I hardly know they have struck until I see the wreckage strewn out on my front lawn. Their power is pervasive and sneaky. And what’s worst is that I haven’t really been able to talk about them except in very private conversation until very recently. Too scary.

Their impact on my life demanded an “inward and outward revolution” that began when my thirst for a “new and (somewhat) undefined good” became undeniable—when I was so completely parched and wartorn that I felt as though I would die without taking a drink in almost every aspect of my life. Nothing seemed right, everything was damaged. So, I took a sip from that everlasting fountain of light; I focused on my spiritual connection and feeling God’s presence in my life. And it began to fill me up. It opened new vistas, prompted new ideas, transformed the way I saw myself as one of God’s creatures. It made clear to me the choices I needed to make, even though those choices would be difficult and painful, even though they would not be understood or supported by everyone and many people would, in fact, think I was crazy. At first, the water gave me enough strength, fortitude and confidence to minimize the effects of the naysayers and doubters, and—more importantly—the courage and power to withstand my foes.

As I drank, though, I began to experience an unpleasant aftertaste in the form of questioning myself and doubting the messages I was receiving from my spirit. Those sneaky bastards were having their way with me again, even more subtly and perniciously. Then, I realized something that would further revolutionize the way I would take my journey. I realized that no matter how much I drank from a spiritual fountain, no matter how much I allowed the waters of divine knowledge to cleanse and fill me up, I was drinking with a metallic cup that would always leave a funny taste in my mouth. Although it was easy for me to think, at first, that the water was the source of the aftertaste, eventually I recognized that I needed to change my cup because of its imperfections as those very imperfections would always let my enemies affect the taste of the water.

And thus, I began this journey. I recognize that it’s a lifelong process. I have no illusions of “solving the puzzle” right now, or even next week, or even in five years. (Much as there is a part of me that really wants to solve it right now. Ha!) But I’m excited to be exploring materials with which I can fashion a cup that is worthy of drinking from the camphor fountain.

Posted by Delara at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)