one step
What's the date today? Oh yeah - May 25. Well, then... (clears throat, stretches out fingers, sits up straight at the keyboard, places fingers on the keys, and takes in a deep, deep breath...)
"In the beginning..."
A little over a year ago—February of 2005, to be exact—I embarked upon a journey that has been incredibly painful, sad, wretched at times, and anxiety-provoking, at the same time that it has been frighteningly beautiful, uplifting, freeing and utterly exquisite. What makes it all the more complex is that taking this journey was completely a choice – it was not forced upon me. Well, arguably, perhaps it was. God works in mysterious ways. Nevertheless, confronted with the options I had last year, I chose this path as opposed to others. And I do not regret a thing—despite the fact that my choice was not popular with everyone.
I cannot express, though, how challenging—and lonely—it has been to have made the decision not to share what this journey has been like along the way, although I'm sure glimpses of it have snuck out here and there. For a lot of reasons—most having to do with respect, integrity and modesty—I chose to step onto this path alone and not write about it while it was unfolding, and that was a wise choice, even though it may have separated me from some of my dearest friends in the short-term.
"There are times when you need someone…"
During my most recent visit to Chicago, I had several experiences that deeply re-affirmed my true self, the integrity of the path I am following, and the strength of the bonds of friendship (both long-standing and newly formed) with which I am blessed. Much of the time spent in my hometown moved me to tears and inspired and fortified me for the next phases of my journey (whatever they may be) while allowing me to reflect on the steps I have taken thus far and how they have shaped my life in amazing ways. I wholly enjoyed reconnecting with my dear ones, and I was reminded how important it is to share things, for it is in that sharing that we learn.
Just before I moved from Chicago, and as I've previously mentioned, an encouraging friend referred to my path as a hero's journey. The concept of a hero's journey was resurrected recently in something a friend wrote about what constitutes a hero. To paraphrase:
A hero is someone who can be himself despite himself; a woman or man who feels loved always, and loves most of the time; someone who can embrace his dark side as well as his holiness, her sadness along with her joy, his nightmares and his sweet dreams; a woman or man who does not forget about the little girl or boy inside; the person who can tell me without fear that they don't know; someone who has learned a lot, then a whole lot more, then so much that he knows more than most and at the same time recognizes that he doesn't know much at all and isn't afraid to say he learned something wrong; someone who is not afraid to share what she learned if it was indeed fruitful, even if others will reject their learning; the woman or man who can look into her or himself and say 'I love you' and mean it; someone who knows that God loves her no matter what, even when she is in a dark place (especially when she is in a dark place); the person who knows that people are more important than ideas and beliefs; the woman or man who simply is a woman or a man.
Such eloquent words, such divine perspective. (Thank you, Sina.) I think the part that really resonated for me was the part about "is not afraid to share what she learned if it was indeed fruitful." Yeah. That.
"One's not half two..."
I am now at a point at which I find myself compelled to share my journey openly and honestly, even in retrospect. I'm not sure exactly why this feels like the right time, but it does. Many recent events have amalgamated into a singular thought in my mind and a singular feeling in my heart - "I am ok." In fact, I am more than ok! Way more. And that recognition is worth more to me than all the material things in this world.
It signals to me a resting point, and I'm taking this pause as an opportunity to share what it's been like so far with the intention that perhaps, in some minuscule way, my experiences may serve another in a way that connects him or her with a sense of the divine in all of us—a sense I pray every human being may own in his heart.
My only caveats: this is not for the weak of heart, keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times, and keep in mind that the thoughts expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of management. Thank you.