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October 31, 2005

thinking about...

  • writing the next chapter... and realizing i have NO idea what comes next in this story
  • how not knowing what comes next makes me feel really anxious right now
  • the possibility of graduate school... and the possibility of moving from chicago
  • how i'm going to handle shoveling snow and parking outside for the next four or five months - and how this might need to be my LAST winter of doing that!
  • the noisy neighbor who moved in across the hall and how i might have to smack him upside the head if he slams his door one more time today
  • opportunities and possibilities
  • good (great!) times this past weekend
  • how amazing aquatic ecosystems are
  • what i need to pack for my three-week trip to warmer weather this coming month
  • getting some food - i'm hungry!

October 20, 2005

when we lower our gaze

Running at the gym today - a well-needed workout for many, many reasons - was almost a transcendent experience. As I looked out the second story windows at the clouds in the sky, I was overcome by their beauty, poetry and grace. About an hour earlier, the sun finally poked through the thick cloud cover that had blanketed Chicago all morning - gloomy, to be sure. Matched my mood - well-orchestrated pathetic fallacy. Ha! But now that the sun was peeking out, the clouds put on a show. Layer upon layer, cirrus, cirrostratus and fluffy cumulus clouds were colored in gray, blue, brilliant white, and everything in between. Phenomenal.

And powerful. I felt strong gazing out the window, in my second mile, absorbed in the clouds above. I even entertained thoughts of my future - what it might be like, what vision I had. I felt strong, clear and positive about the path ahead. I could see life goals being realized. Like I said: powerful.

Then, I looked down at the treadmill display and realized I was less than halfway toward my goal distance. And I felt discouraged - just for a moment, but it was there. And it was palpable - energy-draining even.

After mustering a little encouraging self-talk in my head (“c’mon girl, keep going - you’re doing just fine, keep it up…”), I steadied my pace again and forged ahead. I looked up from the display and observed what was happening in the parking lot below. People milling about, parking their cars crooked, leaving shopping carts here and there, running with kids in tow. Seemed chaotic, frenetic. With a small sigh, I looked up a bit higher and noticed the buildings and rooftops - a semblance of order and structure. Up a little higher were the train tracks, and a train whizzed by just then - taking people where they want to go. Or need to go. Then up to the trees, the treetops, and back into the clouds. I breathed a sigh of relief once my gaze was high enough - I was once again in awe of the beauty of the sky, and things were clear.

And then it struck me - this vertical gradient of emotion and vision was both literal and metaphorical. How important it is for us to "keep our eyes on the prize" and hold our gaze high. The more we lower our eyes, away from the vision ahead, the less we see of the sun and clouds and the more we see of the minutiae of our everyday world - which is by nature a more limited world. Unlike the world of possibility, which is boundless, filled with potential and opportunity.

Lest I wax philosophic for too long, suffice it to say that I was reminded of a powerful lesson, one that had become dim in my memory due to the weight of life’s daily challenges.

October 18, 2005

chitty chitty clang clang

Ah yes... the sound of my radiator at about 5:34 this morning. Bleh.

October 17, 2005

a-mae-zing

I totally and utterly fell in love Sunday night. At the Mae concert. And not with just one guy... with five of them.

"Eh?!??" you say. Calm down. You'll understand what I mean in just a moment...

To say that I went to a concert Sunday night would completely negate the sensory experience I had at the House of Blues. To be fair, it was a concert - complete with opening bands, a swarming sea of fans, bright lights and all. But true to their moniker, Mae (multisensory aesthetic experience) gave a performance unlike anything I have seen for the past several years. Perhaps with the exception of U2, but that was an entirely different kind of experience. Thus, I fell in love during Mae’s performance.

It was intimate and at the same time thunderingly enormous. It was emotional and soft, yet powerful. The music was lyrical, deep and precious. If you haven’t yet picked up their album “The Everglow” - do it now. You just might fall in love as well.

But more than the music - in fact, transcending the notes, arrangements, instruments - was the connection of the band members. They were literally one body, one form, one instrument. Yet they were five individuals with their own personality on stage. It was amazing. The love and unity that bonded them was palpable, and I think everyone in the audience picked up on it. It is, perhaps, what made the experience so unique for me – that there was such love among the artists for each other and for their creation, their art.

I am still reeling. Today was a particularly emotion-filled day for me, as though I have reached some other height from which I cannot come down. And although it’s so hard at times, it’s so good in that I feel more alive, more present. Ah…

I have to pause here to give MAD props to The Working Title who gave a phenomenal opening set. They blew me away too, although not quite in the same way. Such energy and enthusiasm, such talent! Watch these guys - they’re taking it to another level.

October 12, 2005

joy and pain, like sunshine and rain

(Any of you who catch the reference are music geniuses.)

I woke up this morning with about 10% of the anxiety with which I have been waking up the past few days. It was glorious. So, although it was totally cloudy today, I felt like the sun was shining on me. Rays of truth...

AND... then my day improved 5,000,000,000% simply by watching this NEW Teen Girl Squad gem.

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

PURE. HILARITY. PERIOD. Especially the "wheeeeeeee" in light of Wallace and Gromit this weekend - which also rocked, btw.

OMG - I think my neighbors will eventually forgive me for laughing so loud!! I have a hard time picking out what was funniest! There's just so much! You'll just have to watch it.

(Lacey - you will particularly enjoy the WB reference. And I think you should tell Myk that he looks so makey outy tonight. Er, um, yeah. Hehe!)

Enjoy some sunshine...

October 11, 2005

wtf!

Dear Building Management,

At 7:25 this morning, LOUD hammering was ringing - nay, rocking - through the halls of the building. In fact, my whole apartment was shaking. Maybe a 2.0 on the Richter.

Not okay.

Construction noise should not EVER be heard before 8:30am. EVER!

And this was after I waited for 5 hours yesterday for a new refrigerator to be delivered - only, it was never delivered. How interesting. (Where interesting = annoying.)

However I may assist you in resolving these issues, please let me know.

Your disgruntled but forgiving tenant,
Delara

October 10, 2005

monday by the numbers

As of 11:55 this morning:

  • minutes of cardio: 40
  • miles run at the gym: 1.5
  • miles on the eilliptical: 1.75
  • muscle groups worked: 5
  • ounces of water consumed: 48
  • miles driven: 6.2
  • new refrigerators to be installed in my apartment: 1
  • cars that cut me off in traffic: 3
  • phone calls received or made: 5
  • times my stomach has growled: 20
  • eggs eaten: 2

October 09, 2005

simple

I used to think I was pretty high-maintenance - not in that I needed a lot of things materially or emotionally, but in that I could be pretty complicated, unpredictable. Over the years, I have worked on this and come to realize just how low-maintenance I acutally am. (To a fault, sometimes, in that I put my own thoughts and feelings aside in the spirit of being understanding.) And this has been confirmed time and again by independent auditors. (he he) I am grateful for the flexibility, adaptability and understanding (of other people's wants, needs, circumstances) I've been able to develop over the years.

I do have one rule, however: do what you say, and say what you mean. Ok, I suppose that's really two rules. Nevertheless... Don Miguel Ruiz would say, "Be impeccable with your word." And if you can't, for some reason, follow through with or be true to what you have said, I will definitely understand... I'm just wired that way. But talk to me about it. Please don't just let it slide hoping I won't notice. I will.

Pretty simple, eh?

October 07, 2005

the dog in me

Well, not the dog in *me* - but that's the name of the essay we will be discussing tonight at our monthly gathering. Oh yes - I finished the book The Bastard on the Couch in no time, and I have to say I really loved reading it. For many, many reasons. The writers who contributed to the book were witty, poignant and forthright. Overall, I was so grateful for the insight into the way (at least some) men think about life, love and relationships.

So, this particular essay brought up for me some questions about gender roles and how they fit in today's world. Specifically, I think we find ourselves in an interesting time. We scream for equality and passionately fight for what we believe will create more equal footing for men and women in the workplace and home. Yet in exploring our "feminine side" and "becoming new world women" we still want men to fill what might be considered "traditional" roles. We want to be treated in special ways, to be wooed, to have the man make the first move, pay for dinner, open the door for us, and be responsible for fixing things around the house and taking care of the car. (Oh, and let's not forget bug-catching, my personal favorite.) It seems that we want our cake of independence and equal partnership while being able to eat a piece of the being cared for and doted on pie as well.

That seems confusing to me.

Or... is there something greater to which we feel called but don't yet know just how to put it into application? Is there a deeper awareness of a way in which men and women could interact with equality and synergy – from a place of spirit – that still allows us to feel the human side of relationships (the romance, the courtesy, the special treatment)? And is it possible that we have this awareness but don't know what to do with it? And that in this awareness and not knowing how to apply it we might be setting double standards or creating mixed signals? Are we in fact developing new behaviors that are counterproductive to equality because we're still trying to figure it all out?

One of the insightful observations of the essay is that we are living in a time that forces us to figure it all out anew - without any road map or precedent to help us. We're making it up as we go along, the author (Kevin Canty) asserts. And that makes it difficult, whereas for previous generations, it was easier because for better or worse, at least women and men knew their respective roles.

So, then, I must ask:

  • Was it really easier before? Granted, there were limitations, but was it *easier*? What were some advantages to that system of role allocation?
  • What does equal mean anyway? What do we think our "bright new future" entails with regard to equality and reason? What might it look like?
  • What are some behaviors that support the ideal of equality? What are some things we are doing today that might undermine its establishment?
  • The writer asks, "What happened? Where did this idea of equality go off the rails?" And then he proposes that it's kids. Is it really kids that change everything? Is it the homemaker role?
  • He makes the argument later that society (American society in particular) doesn't do enough to support the family system and structure. How could it better do so? How could our society better support equality?

Tell me about it.

October 05, 2005

two things

1- 3:00pm is officially my favorite time of day BECAUSE... it's when the kids are walking home from the elementary school down the block. There is a lot of laughing, playing and shrieking - all of which I just love hearing. There's also a lot of, "Terrence! Get yo ass out here! We gotta go home." Which isn't so great coming from the mouths of babes. But whatever. It happened that I was headed to my car just at this time today, so I also got to see all the fun. Footballs being tossed around, boys teasing girls and vice versa, brothers and sisters walking together and talking. And the parents who pick up their kids at school to walk home with them were all just beaming. Wow. That was really beautiful to see.

2- I enjoyed the fact that there were leaves on the ground that made a crunchy sound as I walked over them. I love that sound. My car was covered with leaves as I had parked it underneath the boughs of a tree last night. Fall has arrived! (Although you'd never know it by the temperature today - close to 90 degrees!!! Sheesh.) Time to go apple-picking and carve some pumpkins again.

October 04, 2005

mmm-good

Why couldn't there be a Pillsbury dough girl? Sigh...

October 01, 2005

random by the numbers

For the past few days, I have been amused or intrigued by the following numbers:

  • Heinz's 57 Varieties - what are they all, anyway?
  • 7 deadly sins
  • Baskin Robbins' 31 Flavors
  • 7 Natural Wonders of the World
  • The Dirty Dozen
  • 2 turtle doves
  • 7 heavens

I just love lists. And intrigue. Haha.

But please don't google these things and then return some smarty-pants answers in the comments. I could have done that myself.