welcome... i am so glad you stopped by
I hesitate to blog about deeply personal thoughts – they are fleeting, after all, and might leave an indelible impression for whoever might be reading this. Thoughts are ephemeral, written word is not. But at times like this, if I hold back, I end up not writing for days. So, here.
I have been "living inside my head" for a while now. And I must say, it is a dangerous place to hang out for extended periods of time. I do not mean that in the cheeky way people usually say that kind of thing – “My mind is so messy you’d need a bulldozer to clear away the muck!” or “You could get lost wandering around the clutter in my mind.”
What I mean is that I have realized the power of my mind, specifically to create a perceived “reality” so real that it convinces me to act in ways based on “what I think” rather than objectively what is. Confused yet? Ah! So you see what I mean. Or perhaps not? Shall I explain?
For example, I might believe that I am hurt deeply as a result of someone’s actions. Let us say that person has acted inappropriately toward me (what I would consider abusive language, undermining of who I am as a human and more importantly [perhaps] as a woman, argumentation for the sake of being contrary, etc.) for a LONG time. As a result, no matter how deeply I have forgiven this person, I do not want to spend a lot of time with them. It tires me. So, my mind’s reality is “this person affects me adversely, therefore do not spend a lot of time with them.” Like how it says on a bottle of medication: “If you experience any adverse reactions, stop use of this medication immediately and consult your physician.” Well, there you have it. And I adjust my actions accordingly – I avoid answering the phone if this person calls, I limit the amount of time and venues in which we spend time together, I control things, basically, so that I have a sense of “peace of mind” or whatever.
Now, here’s where it’s going to seem like a mindf---. What if the very thing my soul objectively needs (in fact yearns for) is to spend time with this person? So that I may learn about myself better, become stronger spiritually, or as a benevolence to that person? What if, by spending time with that person, my spiritual reality actually improves his/hers even though he/she is unaware of it? How could I deny that to someone?
So, how do I really know what objective reality is? Is “reality” how I feel and what I think I know to be true, or is “reality” what God wants for my soul, even if it doesn’t “feel good” in the earthly plane?
I hope Abs is praying for me at the shrines right about now.
Here is another example that might better express what I am trying to say, ‘cause I myself do not understand what I just wrote! So… let us say that I have a “feeling” that I am supposed to be doing something particular with my life – a calling, so to speak. It is a strong feeling – almost a “knowing” if you will. I take action to bring that calling to fruition – I phone people, set up meetings, take courses at school, whatev. I persevere for a while, and nothing really comes of it, or so it seems. It does not lead to anything more. So, I perceive that it was not meant to be, and I change course, effectively abandoning a path that felt so right, for goodness sake! Then, what is “true” reality – that it was not my calling after all, that I tricked myself? Or that it is not the right time? Or that I need to just keep at it until something happens?
I know. That’s what it is like on the inside.
As a result of all this, I have started reading 'Abdu'l-Bahá’s Will and Testament, and it has created quite an interesting debate in my head. Some background: the impetus to read it grew from a conversation I initiated with some friends a couple of weeks ago. And that conversation stemmed from a question that my cuz raised on her blog about people being manipulative and deceitful. And that question arose because of a situation we had previously discussed during one of my visits to LA earlier this year – a discussion that included some of the same people in the conversation I had a couple of weeks ago. Life seemingly circles back on itself sometimes when it is actually moving forward. It’s a pretty cool phenomenon. In any case…
After our most recent conversation about dealing with people who act in manipulative and deceitful ways, I began a spiral inward (downward?) and now am struggling between two seemingly exclusive belief systems and cannot find a way out of my head. So…
How does one reconcile the following:
1. If I wish for another to change his/her actions, conform those actions to be more kind, loving, honest – is that wishing away his/her free will?
2. If unhappiness is a material experience (i.e. our souls do not experience unhappiness) and I feel unhappy because I do not like the results of another’s actions, am I just being attached to something I cannot (or am not supposed to) have? Am I stuck in the prison of self?
Ok, I am done for now. All thoughts, meanderings, ideas and such are welcome.