delara, interrupted

I am so tired right now. (I know, "stop whining.") And it's still the middle of the day! And it's only Monday! Ack! But with the way some of my weekends go, the time-space continuum gets totally messed up for me. So, for all I know, today is July 27, 1989 and it's 3am and I'm tired. All because I had an all-day meeting on Saturday. In Washington DC. The travel wears me out. But the meeting was AMAZING! Yay!

Do you know that their license plates proudly say "Taxation Without Representation" because they don't really get any representation in Congress? All those American Government classes did me a lot of good apparently.

So this was interesting though. I was on my way to the airport this morning and passed by the Pentagon. I hadn't realized it's so out in the open - somehow I thought it was tucked away where no one could really see it. Security and all that. But there it is, plain as day and just off the highway. Anyway, as I drove by it, I had the strangest sadness that came over me. It's hard to describe what one feels in a fleeting moment, but it was like a wave of sorrow - like a resonance or an echo of feelings for what had happened there. An aftershock, like I took on what others must have felt. And it wasn't so much that I even saw anything that reminded me or triggered something. It was just being there, in the space of that energy. If that makes sense. It was pretty deep. There are indeed those moments for me.

Posted by Delara at 02:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Here's something old a dear friend liked - maybe you will too. It suits my mood at the moment, which is why I am resurrecting it.

Untitled

when i fell to earth,
a heavy thud --
the weight of reality.
which way?
dazed, i winced,
gazed up at the round ivory moon
laughing at me -- mocking moon.
a fallen angel.
i raised my small fist to the heavens
angrily shaking it -- silently
the curses, muffled,
stuffed
way down.
stuck deep.
sigh

Posted by Delara at 11:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Just saw "Far From Heaven" last night with Charla Marla. (No, that's not really her name. We call her CM for short.) Very interesting. I am not yet sure if I actually liked the film overall. For one thing, it was depressing. It was, however, filmed beautifully - provocative use of color and theme. But again, it was depressing. And also amazing in some ways.

I think what amazed me the most was how objectified and secondary children were in that era - late 1950's/early 60's. That is what was saddest to me - beyond the racism and hateful attitudes toward people who were different. I don't think I ever realized that about children who were raised in that era. And what are the implications of that? Could that possibly be why some people are just so non-communicative and seem to have no social skills, because they were constantly told not to bother their father who had just come home from work by telling him about all the cool things that happened at school that day? This requires some more reflection... It really bugged me though. Grr.

Posted by Delara at 05:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I am continually amazed at what my body is able to do. No, this isn't the opening line to my new XXX porn novel. It is about my physical ability, stamina and working out. Today at the gym, our PowerFlex instructor pushed us to what I thought was my limit - I was panting, sweating buckets, red-faced and really starting to feel the BURN. You know, that glorious "man, am I working hard" muscle burn from doing like a gazillion squats. She enthusiastically says into her mic "I'm slipping on sweat up here! C'mon let's go! 4 more sets!" She is trying to motivate us to do another gazillion squats - and it seems to work somehow. A month ago, I couldn't make it for longer than 30 minutes of mild walking. During this class, despite feeling like nothing exists below my belly button because my legs are numb from lunging and squatting, I was indeed able to go into another set. And I was amazed. I'm still amazed that after all the working out this weekend my body is in one piece. In fact, I feel oddly energized. That's right - not exhausted as usual but ENERGIZED! Yay. Stella's got her groove back, baby.

Posted by Delara at 10:21 PM | Permalink

With all this newfound energy, I've become strangely domestic. Genetically, and in complete contrast to my mother, I do not have a domestic bone in my body. No - I do not like to do the dishes, clean the bathroom, dust or cook dinner every night. Or even every other night for that matter. (Interestingly, I do like to throw parties with themes and decorations and clever centerpieces. We'll have to explore that another time though.) Laundry is a so-so event - I mostly like doing it myself because I prefer for my husband not to completely destroy my wardrobe by attempting to wash my clothes along with his.

But here I am, nevertheless - planning our dinner menu for the week and purchasing the groceries to cook not once, not twice, but THREE times! In one week!!! What am I thinking??? It all started with my weird little diet quirks, implemented last fall - no cheese and no sugar. For now anyway - I'm told this is a temporary setback. For those of you who know me, no dairy - translation, no cow dairy products (apparently goats and sheep are my friends) - and no sugar - translation, no cane products - is like taking away my reason for eating. Ack! No dreamy, creamy dill Havarti cheese on crackers? No drippy fudge brownies? No amazingly sinful 7-layer cookies, compliments of the lovely Charla? No mint chocolate chip ice cream? Ack! So, I had to get creative in finding ways to satisfy the sweet tooth and avoid dairy in meals. I started experimenting with "alternative" recipes every now and then. Survival was key. So, introducing... goat cheese lasagna! Maple syrup on oatmeal! Cereal with almond milk! You get the idea.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago and completely out of the blue, I decide to kick it up a notch. Bam! And thus began my desire to cook dinner at least once or twice a week. This week we are having Cornish hens with asparagus, arugula and spinach calzones, and hoisin-covered chicken breast with couscous. Yeah, we're not doing the mac-and-cheese in a box deal, and not just because I can't eat the cheese anyway. To me, there's a bit of an art to preparing a meal - so, actually, perhaps this foray into the culinary world is my way of tapping into yet another creative vein. Hm.

But for some reason, all this cooking has me thinking back to when those Holly Hobby easy-bake ovens were all the rage for any respectable 7-year old girl. I never had one though - so maybe this is the source of my cooking madness! Some bizarre need to fulfill my childhood dream of baking? Whatever - food is good.

Posted by Delara at 04:57 PM | Permalink

"So, how does it feel to be thirty?" I'm still not sure how to react to this question. One reality is that one day doesn't really feels that different from the previous unless something outwardly significant happens - like your best friend announces she's getting married or your parents say they're divorcing or you slip and fall on ice and break your tailbone. Ouch. My birthday was not like that, though.

But another reality is that inward occurrences can be just as if not more significant in one's life than outward events. That's kind of what turning thirty was like - something inward. Like a new realization - a good realization and appreciation - of possibilities, of timing, of all the things I have experienced or done in my life, of all the people I have had the fortune to know and love and call my friends. It was like a deep sense of gratitude.

And that's really what my birthday was about. Especially the friends part. I am so lucky to have the friends I have! And this most certainly includes my mom and my Paulie. As a small example, several of them came over early on the birthday bash day (which was actually a few days before my actual birthday) and decorated the place like you would not believe! And they cooked up a storm! And my wonderful angel of a husband went and bought my favorite cake - German chocolate cake. There is something viscerally satisfying to me about eating German chocolate cake! Even the gifts that people brought were touched with love and thoughtfulness. And it was just such an amazingly fun and special birthday party - there was so much love and fun in the air it was palpable. Very cool.

Everyone should experience a moment or two in their life just like that one. How does it feel to turn thirty? Amazing and wildly fun.

Posted by Delara at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The birthday fun doesn't seem to end! Yesterday, my awesome co-workers treated me to lunch from Potbelly's. Yum! A Wreck with no cheese is satisfying anytime! But it was especially yummy since it was 80+ degrees outside!!! Crazy - it has NEVER been warm like this around the time of my birthday, at least that I can remember. And we definitely enjoyed it as we ate outside in the sun. Cha-ching!

But then to make the lunch even more special, Tim - one of my co-workers who telecommutes (works from his home office in Huntsville, AL and travels here only occasionally) - surprised me by showing up at lunch! How cool is that! Well, not very cool since, did I mention it was 80+ degrees??!? Double cha-ching!

Posted by Delara at 11:21 PM | Permalink

I sit here looking at the computer screen with all the nice menus and text boxes that make it SO easy to do this, and I feel like I'm looking at a blank canvas - a blank piece of paper - and that always makes me nervous. Where do I start? Will I mess it up? Is there an undo button? WHERE IS THE UNDO BUTTON!?? Will it be clever? Witty? Will people want to read this? Do I even really care? I suppose many bloggers have felt this way - or maybe not. Maybe I'm just a big nerd. That's very likely given my tendancy to watch TLC and the Discovery channel. Not to mention my late-nite addiction to watching the Disney channel. But I digress... Regardless and anyhow, I wanted to mark this turning point by starting something new. And true. That just feels right.

What can you expect? A lot and not much. Good spelling and grammar - at least most of the time. Occasional curses, but I pretty much keep things PG. Some amount of creativity. Photos occasionally. A lot of honesty and truth - colored by my experience, judgment and perception of course. And fun. We hope.

And so, without further ado, here we go.

Posted by Delara at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)