delara, interrupted

This was a difficult and pivotal week for me. It was difficult in that I was wrestling with changes happening for my husband, the ongoing uncertainty that has become characteristic of our life together, and working in a job that to outside observers seems "so fulfilling" but is actually draining me of my creative energy. It was pivotal for me in that I allowed my desires to triumph over the "shoulds"—whether originating internally or externally. Something that helped me this week? These quotes:

...[as] thou art content with the will of God and art attached in heart to His divine wishes... all thy desires will be granted thee. - 'Abdu'l-Baha

Potent am I to accomplish whatsoever I desire through My word "Be", and it is! - Baha'u'llah

There is a lot my heart desires right now. It is a cup running over with desires, wishes and hopes. It's my time! (It's long overdue, quite frankly.) And while my heart believes the power of the words quoted above, my mind—no matter how quiet it might become—is very skilled at stifling the affirmations and potency held within those words.

The essence of this past week for me was building courage—the courage of spirit to voice my desires loudly enough that no amount of cerebral manipulation could muffle my heart's desires or prevent them from building enough momentum to manifest themselves. The truths that came up for me during the last couple of weeks compel me to take action. I desire the courage to hold fast to the belief that if I say it will be—no matter what "it" might be—then, in fact, it already is. I desire the courage to say "no" to the things I am doing with my time that might be fulfilling a practical purpose in my life (for example, making some money) but sap my spirit of its verve. I desire the courage to ask for what I want and trust that it will be provided. I desire the courage to take risks and build the life I yearn for in the depths of my being.

Of course, in our practice this week, there were many pebbles I found, and they were all lovely. But beyond the details of the "what" was a more powerful challenge for me: the "how". The last part of our practice that incorporated asking ourselves, "Then what?" was most significant for me this week. Maybe that was because I am in a space that demands action and movement. I no longer have the luxury of complacency or torpor. I need to do something... NOW!

And so, I have already begun a few things. I reconnected with a workout routine that I know will transform my outer shape according to my desire. I made a decision to stop the work I have been doing because I know it is not healthy for me and it suppresses my creative spirit rather than stimulating it. I dedicated more study time for a certification program that I passionately want to complete. And I stayed committed to feeding my body foods it loves in order to feel balanced and energetic while successfully avoiding anything that "takes me off course" no matter how tempting it might have seemed! (Believe me, if you saw the list of things that are not good for my body, you'd understand how difficult this is for me!)

I am feeling quite proud of myself, even though there still is something looming above my head, or so it seems. I am most certainly looking forward to a week focused on creativity—a cup from which I am eager to drink.

Bottoms up!