and the funky bunch
I just read an entry on a sister blogger’s site that simultaneously stunned me with surprise and subdued me with the sobering reality of my own life situation. She only vaguely hinted at having been in a funk / under a rock / in a fog for some time now, but something about her mild references to the funk made me sit up and take notice.
The surprise lay in the fact that I would not have expected it from her. She is a creative, outgoing, vibrant, smart, talented, and very self-assured woman by all accounts. She strikes me as somebody who really knows who she is and lives it. Every day. So, that she was alluding to being in a funk (perhaps signaled by the fact that she too had not blogged for a little while—just like somebody else I know) really floored me. Her? In a funk? Unthinkable. I just can’t imagine it.
What subdued me about her subtle revelation, however, was that overwhelmingly I feel like my funk is taking over—I don’t know myself anymore, like somehow I have been disconnected from the woman I felt myself becoming. I was having a great conversation with her, and as I turned the corner, my call was dropped. Can you hear me now? Damn cell phones.
At the same time, this deeply frightens and excitedly invigorates me. It is deeply frightening because it feels like I have lost something or someone important to me—someone who was going to make all the difference in my life, someone who felt true for the first time in a long time. Now, it is as though I nothing is clearly “true” for me. Everyday decisions are fraught with questions like, “But is that what I truly want?” and, “Am I certain about that?”
Nothing IS certain—and that’s the invigorating part too! That nothing is certain means that ANYTHING is possible! ANYTHING can come to be. All I have to do is… what? I have no idea.
My mom would be pleased to hear me say that this dilemma reminds me of a scene in the movie “The NeverEnding Story”—a movie my mom LOVES and would watch everyday (and make you watch with her) if you gave her the chance. There is a scene in which the Childlike Empress pleads with Bastian to give her a name and, in doing so, save the world. Incredulous, he denies that the solution to such an enormous calamity rests with him and that it could be so simple—something about which he has already thought, in fact. Finally, he agrees to call out her name: “Ok! I will do it! I will save you! I will do what I dream!”
I am, of course, not facing world destruction by being in a funk, feeling uncertain and not knowing which way to go. This experience is merely a lull, an ebb, a quiet time for me to reflect upon the possibilities. And why not? How fun would THAT be? And what a luxury, quite frankly. To have time to contemplate the possibilities? To dream a little? Wow.
So I’m not yet walking the path I yearn to walk. So I’m not taking action toward whatever it is I feel called to do in life. So I’m not exploring or expressing my creativity in the ways I had hoped to. So friggin’ what?
It becomes clear to me, then, that “shoulds” and “what ifs” are plaguing me by holding me back. Part of what keeps me in a funk is a fear of disappointment—what if I dream this amazing thing and it doesn’t come to be? And there is also a fear of inaction—what if I miss an opportunity that is only before me at this very moment? And a fear of stumbling—what if I don’t like it or am not good at it? Not to mention all the shoulds I place on myself—I really should get a better job to help us out financially. I should be exploring my creativity every day. I should go to the gym. I should…
Talk about a neverending story. Sheesh.
At the heart of all this is a reminder that I don’t do well in a holding pattern. I like having plans or at least knowing the bigger picture so that I can more honestly and truly make the everyday decisions. If I know where I am going, I can have a LOT of fun picking a route to get there. And that route can change, and we can take scenic detours, and all that—and it’s FINE. But when I am in a holding pattern and there is no bigger plan, I become fearful. And then the “shoulds” and “whatifs” are free to play.
I would like to find a way to honor the funk, to see it as a natural process and as temporary, and to allow it to teach me whatever it needs to in its own way. I would like to use it as a time for rest, for regrouping, for recharging. I would like to be more forgiving of myself when I cancel plans because I’m not feeling up to it, or when it takes me a few days/weeks longer to send a gift to someone I love, or when I choose to veg in front of the television instead of spend time painting, or when I don’t keep to my “one photo every day” schedule. Most importantly, I would like not to judge my funk in a negative way or hold it up to other people’s standards for how we “should” be living life and spending our time.
Yeah. That’s what I would like.
Comments
thank you for your comments, vijay, and thanks for stopping by! always nice to greet a new reader. the positive encouragement is appreciated.
Posted by: delara | January 13, 2008 11:37 PM
'Funk', 'under a rock','in a fog' were many words everyone has heard of. Trying to type something, I just heard the phone buzz(Wow! what do you know?). It was one of my friends who used to work for a big petroleum co. who were going through mass reduction in their workforce. She was so stressed and concerned(eventho she says the word worried, I prefer a positive word). Now she is in a wonderful job, with better pay, and she gets to commute to Downtown Chi.
Personally, the times I've found myself under the situations, it is easy to get yourself wrapped in the mind. Mind under the influence of 5 senses(taste, smell, touch, vision, hearing) goes beserk and controls our life with the shadow(The Four Agreements), and personally going through a challenging part(s) of life, Overcoming Difficulties seemed to be a blessing in disguise.
One point in my Masters, I met a professor who didn't believe in GOD(named God). He said 'Have you ever felt at moments in past, that particular moment is the end of your life or so?' I nodded my head in acknowledgement. He asked another question, 'Haven't you found out that by experience all those moments, which posed or felt like a threat, didn't kill you, but it went by like a windblow?' I nodded again, so this is all he said looking straight in my eyes. Trust the process, and be patient, You'll see the same thing happen to you in your life. Be Patient, and trust you'll overcome the obstacle. I was amazed at the spirituality of a Professor who taught me a new way to look at things.
Note: Be Impeccable with your words(Worries are concerns, etc). My wishes and prayers to everyone's good health, prosperity, peace and love.
2 cents,
Vijay
Posted by: Vijay | January 13, 2008 11:24 AM
good comments, everyone! thank you.
and wow, glenn - those stats are impressive! yes--you are clearly due for a surge. best wishes for a speedy recovery from your surgery!!
Posted by: delara | January 4, 2008 04:21 PM
I am so NOT in a funk lately. My marriage turns 9 in three weeks and is going great. My daughter turned 5 and is adorable. My son turns 2 at the end of this month. My start-up business is still on pace to launch at Naw Ruz. My health is the best it has ever been. My body fat is down to 10.5% and my strength is way up. I can:
Run a mile in 5:22
Bench 175 (4 sets of 5)
Crunch 110 (4 sets of 15)
Do 20+ pullups 4 times in an hour.
The only negative is that I have become the youngest person in my eye doctor's history to develop cataracts, and I am receiving surgery in my right eye later this month and in my left in February.
Artemis' comment about the wave makes sense, but I feel like I spent the last five years pulling back. It is about time I had my chance to surge!
Posted by: glenn | January 4, 2008 03:50 PM
Even the great ocean must pull back before it can produce a wave...
Posted by: Artemis | January 3, 2008 03:32 AM
I only got one thing for ya, baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_YcqEE1AR0
Posted by: George Clinton | January 2, 2008 04:06 PM
This is a great post. I think I have been feeling the "funk" since I turned 30 and I have only been acknowledging the bad things or failures in my life and comparing them to others successes - or what seems to be happy lives. I think we all go through this - especially when things are quiet in our worlds, and then things in our heads tend to get louder. Just take all the time you need, the people you love will be there for you, and you will find the answer in all of these thoughts that will make sense to you.
Posted by: Sonia | December 18, 2007 03:25 PM
yeah. i see that point to. i mean lethargy does breed lethargy... i don't mean you're lazy. i'm just reflecting on the possibility that the more we stay in and hide, the harder it is to get ourselvees outside.
SO. i guess on the one hand, it's all about being merciful with yourself and seeing the spring will bring... i mean your emotional spring. OR its about pushing past your own resistance and seeing if you can make your emotional spring arrive sooner.
Posted by: kari | December 16, 2007 06:41 PM
yeah, i like her stuff, heidi. it's very spirit- and heart-oriented. beautiful!
Posted by: delara | December 15, 2007 11:12 AM
All through reading this I thought of SARK. Her books gave me permission to live in my own rhythm....as long as I thought in the realm of possibility rather than shoulds.
Posted by: heidi | December 14, 2007 04:58 PM
kate, thanks for the honesty. as a friend, i wish i had known your struggles with mommyhood and transitions and allergies. but i also know that you share when it's the right time and what you're comfortable with. so it's all good. :) i just hope you had good support, and i'm happy you're around now! and yes, you'll have to clarify if you prefer kate or katie.
moj, yeah... that phrase is gonna stick, i think. 'twould be a good book title, no? i'll have to TM that asap. haha!
dena, i'm so glad this resonates for you. it's nice to have company. he he! and i appreciate the saying you shared - good reminder. pondering where i've been might be helpful. thanks!!
mina, i miss you! i think we need to chat soon. thank you for the love!
kari, so true! you're absolutely right, and i've been thinking about seasons too. it's such a dilemma, though. on one hand, i'm all about hibernating in the winter. metaphorically and literally speaking, in fact. :) the dilemma is that on one hand i want to hibernate, and on the other hand i want to go out to play because i feel like i have been hibernating for a looong time now. and i miss people. and i think i've isolated myself a little too much. and i feel lonely. so, what to do! i've decided to just wait it out, and take it one day at a time (steve reminds me of that constantly), and see what happens. sounds good to me.
Posted by: delara | December 14, 2007 04:38 PM
i think the expectation that happiness is a state attained and then retained indefinitely is erroneous. life's all about these crises and victories, no?
the one thing i hold on to whenever i'm in a funk is something my sister said to me. that is, "at least you know it's not going to last forever." it's so true. sort of like a migraine, once it passes, we can enter into a state of euphoria - revitalized and strengthened.
today i talked with a colleague on the phone whom i've never actually met -- our entire working relationship has always existed over the phone. but, he said to me, "i can hear from the sound of your voice that you're in a REALLY GOOD place."
immediately, i thought "yeah, 'cause we're having a real winter and that makes things feel like they're in their natural working order." your post made me think about winter... and funks being sort of like the season when we just need to curl up and regroup. our energy might not be as vital. our radiance might not be so bright. but, like winter or a rainy season is natural for the earth, a funk is a natural season for us to go through as human beings.
what do you think?
Posted by: kari | December 14, 2007 03:31 PM
I hear you loud and clear, and I love you.
Posted by: mina | December 14, 2007 03:21 PM
wow! you truly are amazing....(at reading my mind :)
i can not tell you how much i relate to you and your words right this very minute.
holding patterns are beauties in disguise! it gives us time to breathe, think, re-evaluate, ponder, reflect those very important decisions you were talking about!
now i know why this statement, "how do you know where you're going, if you don't know where you've been" makes a little sense!
hang in there.....
love you,
d
Posted by: dena | December 14, 2007 12:56 PM
"Honor the funk."
Heck, yeah!
Posted by: +mojan. | December 14, 2007 07:47 AM
Hey D,
I totally understand. It takes some time to process things. Down time, integrating time before it's comfortable giving it to the world. At least for me too!
I had a crazy rollercoaster ride during the first 10 months of Sammy's life. Even though I started a blog then I had trouble keeping up with it. I was overwhelmed with joy and depression at the same time! Getting used to having a little one was taking it's toll on me...and add a host of allergies to that recipe and maybe you can imagine I was in quite a state. Anxiety was near the top of the list. Ugh. I'm catching up with the wild ride of my new life now and have finally starting blogging again. Lots of love to you, D. It's good to see you back in blog-land!
Posted by: Kate | December 13, 2007 04:03 PM