delara, interrupted

I will address Dena's sucker tag at a later time. (He he! Just kidding, Dena - I know it's not a sucker tag. Uh... right?!??) I am too distracted today to do the letter 'P' any justice. Alas...

So, here's the deal. Effectively, I have been thrown back to another time and space I'd rather not ever visit again, and this has created a surge of emotions inside for which I was not prepared. Blindsided doesn't even begin to cover this experience. And that I feel blindsided--and subsequently distracted and a bit down--only indicates to me that I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Still. Like I thought somehow it was ever going to end?

Of course not. It's just not so fun being confronted with my utter lack of detachment and my inability to feel secure enough in my true self that I may remain unruffled in the face of what boils down to someone else's misconceptions about who I am and what I have done.

I know. This is cryptic. As I write, I am working through the problem of how to share the experience without backbiting. That's important to me here.

The short of it--which won't seem so short--is this. A few years ago, during my year of patience and divorce process, I was working on a project for a client. I had partnered with a long-standing colleague on this project--someone I respect and at that time even admired and trusted. From the start, there were a few things that didn't sit quite right with me, but I was somewhat inexperienced in certain business etiquette and practices (such as being pre-paid for a project) and, to be perfectly honest, was materially motivated to put myself wholly into this project, despite the fact that it would spread my energy and time pretty thinly.

Money, I have since learned, is never a good reason for me to do something if it is the ONLY reason I am doing it. Lesson learned.

Fast forward a bit. As with any project for a large corporation, timing was delayed and deadlines were pushed. I found myself facing significant components of the project for which I was responsible and to which I had committed myself in the very midst of what was a gut-wrenching, soul-draining, utterly anguishing time for me--emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and especially physically. I was going to PT sessions 2-3 times a week. I lost weight quickly without wanting to. I had a serious need for sleep. I had withdrawn from many friendships and community activities because I just did not have it in me to be "out" anywhere. And I could not sit at a computer for more than 30 minutes at a time without pain shooting up my back and neck.

So. As difficult a decision as it was for me--a decision that was made only after days of prayer and consultation with trusted friends and family--I needed to pull myself from this project. I was going to do neither myself nor the project any good, quite frankly, by sticking with it simply because I had made a commitment. So, with as much integrity as I could muster, and after many long conversations with my colleague about other possible solutions, I resigned from the project and returned a large portion of the money I had been paid, keeping only what would cover time that I had already put into the project--and not even ALL the time I had put into it. Although I had completed some of the work I had agreed to do, I certainly did not complete all of my portion, and, unfortunately, a lot of that fell on the shoulders of others. I considered this a tragically less-than-ideal circumstance.

Maybe now we're getting to the short of it. Maybe not.

What was an excruciatingly difficult decision for me (not only professionally but also ethically) left a horribly large burden on my colleague's shoulders. I understood that, and I felt very badly for that and I expressed my apologies with humility and sincerity many times. I offered to ease the burden as best I could and kept lines of communication open to the extent that it felt healthy. Beyond that, I was not willing to sacrifice my health. And I know that what I had to offer was not sufficient, but it was the best I could do at that time.

If all this sounds like a pity party, it is not. Maybe I am just trying to bring myself to account by recalling the events leading up to the reverberations affecting me today. Maybe I am just trying to make sure that I really do remember things as they *actually* happened. I take full accountability for my actions. I know they were not ideal. I know I left an enormous burden for others to clean up, and for that I feel very badly. Honestly, I just don't know what I could have done differently.

In short order, I came to learn that my colleague blamed me--and only me--for everything that was insufficient with the project. Not only did she badmouth me to other colleagues (which is the source of the reverberations I am experiencing today) but also to our client. At the time, I dismissed this behavior as understandable given the circumstances in which she found herself (having to scramble to save the project and fulfill our obligations to the client) and the strain and stress she must have felt. I also dismissed it because I knew in my heart of hearts that I had done the very best I could at that time, and there was just nothing more I could do.

The backbiting, however, has apparently left some serious scars on professional relations I believed to have been positive.

Hence the reverberations. Now we're at the short of it.

Upon arriving at a new project site yesterday, I received a VERY cold shoulder from one of those relations. It plagued me all day yesterday, and I went home in a funk. I reflected on the possible cause of the abruptness I received, and I recognized that some of the clean-up from that project a couple of years ago fell on the shoulders of this soul. Ah... I understood. But it didn't make the pain any less icy.

I prayed, I shared with Steve, we consulted, I prayed some more, and I decided to clear the air.

Today, I said good morning, and that was all it took to unleash this person's pent-up frustration, anger and disappointment in me--expressed quite bluntly and directly.

Whoa. (Ok... inhale... exhale... repeat. It's all you can do.)

As painful as it was--both to hear what she was saying and to be hurled back in time to an experience I'd just as soon forget--I could understand where she was coming from, and the source of her judgment became clear to me.

Backbiting.

Naturally, the version of "truth" and "reality" this person received came only from one source--my (former?) colleague who blamed me for everything that went wrong. Everything this person knew to be "true" was based on the frustration, stress, and backbiting stemming from what was, in essence, an unfortunate situation. And... any resolution of my professional bond with this person--any kind of unity I sought--was going to be tainted by someone else's depiction of what went down. Granted, the core of what had been communicated was true--that I resigned from a project that was left incomplete; that several people were left hanging; and that it was difficult to complete the project on time and with quality. All true. And all conveyed in a manner tainted with backbiting rather than objectively.

It hurts. It hurts a lot to know that there is, in effect, NOTHING I could say that would change the judgment or opinion of this person. It hurts to know that there were OTHER people who echoed the backbiting they heard from an originally singular source--echoes that further edified in the mind of this person her opinion of me. ("Well, several people told me that such and such happened, so it must be true!") It hurts to be faced with a seemingly distorted version of the truth that I remember. It hurts to know that it took so little for me to question myself all over again--to wonder, "Was there something more I could have done? Did I really act unethically, as I am being charged? Is it possible I am not the person I believe myself to be?" This--above all--hurts the most.

I listened, I clarified, and I apologized. I listened to the frustration and sense of injustice this person felt. I clarified my recollection and understanding of what actually happened. I apologized for any pain I may have caused this person and for the circumstances under which I left the project. And I left it at that, encouraging her to seek out her own truth--which she assured me she would do.

Of course, I doubt, even after all this time, that the story she will hear from my former colleague will be any different. And while there is a part of me that is not ok with that--while there is a part of me that desperately cries out, "Don't you see? THIS is what really happened!"--there is another part of me that has accepted some semblance of peace about this whole drama. I have beaten my head against that brick wall hundreds of times in my personal life--the wall of other people's blind attachment to a distortion of truth--and I know that all you get is a headache.

So, I have said my peace, and now I am giving it over to God. (Ok, inhale... exhale... repeat.)

Through this experience, I have gained intimate knowledge of why backbiting is so poisonous. Once the damage has been done, it can be irreparable. I don't believe there is much I can say that will change this person's mind about me, and that saddens my heart. At the same time, I refuse to perpetuate the cycle of backbiting by engaging in a she-said/she-said battle. What I desire is comfort for my heart and solace for my soul.

What comes to mind is one of my favorite prayers attributed to 'Abdu'l-Bahá:

"O My Glorious Lord!
Help me to refrain from every irregular inclination;
to subdue every rebellious passion;
to purify the motives of my conduct;
to conform myself to that meekness which no provocation can ruffle;
to that patience which no affliction can overwhelm;
to that integrity which no self-interest can shake;
that I may be qualified to serve Thee and to teach Thy Word."

Ok... inhale... exhale... repeat.