a week's worth
This past week has been quite eventful, and significant thoughts have coursed through my mind. Today is a beautiful day here. The first hints of fall are showing, even though it is almost 80 degrees. It is difficult to imagine having a pumpkin carving when it feels like beach weather outside. Nevertheless, the visible changes around me inspire me to think about what changes I might like to make internally. Starting with my most recent reflections...
I attended my Unit Convention today. I almost didn't 'cause I was SO tired when I woke up this morning. But it was a small victory for me that I did attend—I had made a promise to myself to go and I honored that promise despite the fact that I had to work through some very uncomfortable feelings that arose for me. A victory, indeed. All too often, it is so easy for me to talk myself out of following through on something I want to do or told myself I would do. Small change in my behavior, small victory.
And it was such an experience of growth for me. It was so interesting for me to be so aware of my thinking as I drove up to the Bahá'í Center. It sounded something like this: “Do I really want to do this? What if I just go home and take a nap? I am tired, after all. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea—a nap! My body needs it. No… I said I would go, I need to go. I want to go. I am inspired to go. My soul needs it. Okay… I’ll go. Man, I really don’t feel like going. Having to deal with all those people, and I don’t really know anyone anyway. For whom would I vote? Stop it. Just go. You want to go. There is a reason you want to go. Try it out and see where the adventure takes you.” In the end, this last thought convinced me. It’s all about the possibilities, right? I parked my car, said a little prayer, and walked up to the Center, all the while breathing in the spectacular cool autumn blue sky.
It may seem like such a small thing. Big whoop—so I went to my Unit Convention. But this was my first appearance at any Bahá'í gathering here in the Nashville area. And that was a big deal. It’s not that I have been avoiding participating. Well, okay—it is exactly that I have been avoiding it! And the exact reasons that have kept me in private spiritual practice for the past 8 months reared their ugly heads today. In fact, they reared their heads as I walked up to the registration table. What I am about to share next completely comes from inside my head and a little bit from a place of judgment and hurt in my heart. I own that, and I want to make clear from the outset that I do not apply these observations to the whole of the Bahá'í community or Bahá'ís in general. These are simply my personal observations and are necessarily colored by my unique experience in life.
That I was feeling a sense of judgment at all says a little about the growth I need and perhaps some changes I need to make. Clearly, had I approached the event with more detachment and an open heart I may not have felt so guarded and judgmental. It was what it was, I suppose, and I was struck by a few things. I noted how reserved and somewhat disingenuous people seemed. Granted, I’m a newcomer and no one knew me—at least no one at the registration table knew me—but no one made any effort to know me either. Everyone seemed concerned about their own “business” and not much more. Hm. Interesting. Not quite the loving atmosphere I had anticipated, and that was my second interesting observation. I had some expectations going into the Convention. What they were exactly, I am not sure. But I had them. Hm. Perhaps because I had such an AMAZING experience with my second “home” Bahá'í community in North Carolina did I have expectations here. That community was so loving, so warm, so open, so focused on creating genuine connections with people. Again, that was *my* experience. I have friends who had a VERY different take on the exact same community. Just goes to show how subjective one’s community experience is.
So, yeah—I was looking for a new home community. I was looking for that warm and fuzzy feeling that we strive to create even at work. I was looking for a group that reflected what I believe about how we ought to be treating other people in life, how we have such power to create meaningful connections at every turn, even if we’re simply serving someone a cup of coffee. I was looking for a divine atmosphere, a gathering that in its very nature proclaimed, “Here is God.” I was looking for love, connection, courtesy, and warmth. I feel sad to say that I don’t believe I found that warmth, but I am also willing to be open to other experiences before making a final judgment, so to speak. And I am also willing to examine how I may contribute to and influence that kind of atmosphere where I want to find it.
And there was SO much that I did enjoy about Convention, I feel a little guilty about sharing what felt like the downside. (And I fully realize it felt like the downside only based on my own perception and coloring—again, had I been more open…) I was so moved by the devotions that the area youth committee prepared. Such fervor, such energy, such power. It was inspiring. I shed a few tears as I gazed at the beautiful Greatest Name carved into wood and affixed to the ceiling in the main hall of the Center. It is a beautiful building in general, actually, and I was quite happy that the local community had such a beautiful structure to its name. The Convention Chair was loving, humorous, inclusive, and just wonderful in general. The Chief Teller was also just a joy to witness. She was clearly serving with a spirit of joy. The community had planned all kinds of fun outdoor activities for the kids, including a huge moonwalk balloon thing that I totally wanted to jump onto! And the letter from the National Spiritual Assembly gave me goosebumps. It was so moving, so sincere, so heartfelt. I loved it.
And, perhaps the best part of the day was the WARMEST welcome I received by the fabulous Susi Graves (mother of a certain Lacey Graves Gerard, ahem) and my dear friends Robin and Andre who recently moved here from Chicago as well. It was such a joy for me to see them all and catch up a little bit. It was a pleasure to be reminded how awesome it feels when you really connect with people.
Speaking of connection, more to come…
Comments
I was the organizer of Chicago's unit convention, and it was definitely a learning experience for me (mostly about how I can't do everything myself, haha). Much of the consultation revolved around how to get more people to attend (we only had 40!).
One comment was that we NEED to ask people to help organize it or be involved with the process that never get asked to do things. (That is really how I became active in Chicago when I moved there)
Another thing that was noted was that people did not feel like they could vote because they "didn't know enough people" or "don't come to enough events to make a good decision." While I understand the sentiment, we are also told that voting is one of our blessings and responsibilities.
The guidelines for unit convention state that the arts should be utilized and that the atmosphere should be warm and welcoming. As individuals in the community, we also have the responsibility of attending the convention, even if we think it is going to be boring/uncomfortable/etc, because how is it going to change if people are not there to give their input & feedback?
Posted by: Sholeh | October 12, 2006 09:49 AM
Beautiful posting Delara! And the other comments are so real and honest. Glenn sure does tell it like it is! :) It's sad since when I was growing up, Convention was for the whole state and we looked forward to it all year. It lasted from Friday night thru Sunday afternoon and kids from all over the state got to hang out together the whole time. It was the highlight of the year. Since it shifted into "units", that energy was lost. It may have been a necessary shift, but it was still sad to see such a dynamic weekend turn into a dull four hour meeting.
Posted by: Daria | October 10, 2006 05:09 PM
I think some people in our Unit have had similar experiences in the past, but this time we shook everything up!
Younger folks ran the show, which made a huge difference. Also, our planning team consulted about every detail, always being sure to go back to the vision of what we thought Unit Convention should be -- fun and full of spirit and love, plus it should recharge our batteries rather than drain them!
This vision carried through to every last detail. We even made sure every volunteer was aware of our vision. And when a group of people is that unified, they always look organized to outsiders. Hee hee.
And we were able to do what we set out to do. Convention was three days ago, and everyone I've talked to is still on a high! This has NEVER happened before!
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that your Convention wasn't what you would have liked it to be, but ours proved to me that THERE IS HOPE! We will get there!
Posted by: +mojan. | October 10, 2006 10:38 AM
This is really sad to hear, but it's not unreal at all and there are many people who feel all these same things (I'm especially looking at Glenn's comment, which was pretty poignant).
We're gonna grow, it will take time and patience, but we'll grow. The old things will go away and will be replaced with progressive things, and it will. get. better.
In the interim, we can be progressive, loving, accepting, and friendly when teaching the faith to new people. If you can't change one thing (the community), change another (yourself). That's my theory, and I feel like I'm getting somewhere :)
Posted by: lacey | October 10, 2006 10:17 AM
Delara, I applaud your efforts and honesty. Since I didn't equal your efforts, I'll try for the honesty here.
I was on the planning committee for our Unit Convention.
I volunteered to be on the committee, even though it was not my community planning the Convention.
I drove 90 minutes to attend the initial planning meeting.
I arranged weekly telephone conference calls so the committee could communicate easily and regularly.
And I did not go.
The Unit Convention I was so excited about planning, that would include all the ideas I and others had discussed for the past two years, ended up being the exact same convention I regretted attending last years.
I was the *youngest* person on the committee (at 37) and the only one more than a decade away from this side of retirement. That alone should have been a sign.
The sponsoring Assembly responded to the initial committee proposal with, well, basically a micromanagement reply that indicated it didn't really *need* a planning committee. I should have taken this as a second sign.
But I stuck with it, hoping for at least a few minor changes in how things are conducted so as to prevent 100% predictability in process.
The Wednesday before Convention, the committee chair called to indicate the Assembly was uncomfortable with the format we had planned. I indicated that I did not feel a huge need for them to be comfortable with it. (That reply did not go over well -- the Chair is on said Assembly.) S/He then shared that the (last two innovative parts of the proposal) plans were being changed -- to exactly the way they had been done the year before.
So... I didn't go. I was on the planning committee, and I could not endure one more convention in which...
1. The convener is elected Chair and the most popular host community woman gets elected Secretary.
2. The same voting delegate as last year (and the previous 17 years before that) gets elected again.
3. Consultation on subjects we have no foreknowledge about involves the five "strongest" people offering their opinions while the rest of us wonder what this has to do with our own communities.
Anyway, I sent my ballot in absentee, and I did not go.
So kudos to you. I skipped my Unit Convention and went to the zoo with my wife and kids.
Maybe next year...
Posted by: glenn | October 9, 2006 07:38 PM
*heaves a sigh of relief*
Thanks for the window into Delara's internal dialogue. And thank God for that little voice that tapped into your adventurous side. Sorry it wasn't everything you'd hoped...but I pray you'll keep trying. I'm here for you, but I wish I could be there for you, you know?
In any case, I'm proud of ya. And say hi to Susi for me!
Posted by: george | October 9, 2006 06:59 PM
d - i loved this post and think it would be worth sharing with the conventions office, even if anonymously. much of that internal dialogue you had on your way to convention was verbalized at chicago's convention as we talked about why the turn out was so low. strange... unit convention gets a sliver of the participation other bahai gatherings in chicago get.
but, i digress. the upshot is i liked reading about how you got past the messages in your internal dialogue and through the threshold of the bahai center.
also, i'm wondering about a correlations between the size of a gathering and genuineness and warmth. i mean, i think there are some people that can be genuine and warm ANYWHERE with ANYONE at ANYTIME.
but, i wonder if the vast majority of us are somewhat shy and fearful of awkward social interactions in large groups. and so therefore, hold a conversation with a stranger with the "help, where's my friends?" thought running through our heads the whole time.
not that that's ideal. the ideal is that our hearts burn with loving-kindness for all who cross our path. but, the reality for many of us might just be... get me out of this awkard spot! please!!
but, i wonder if the same feelings/actions exist in smaller groups. seems like when i walk into a feast or gathering of 5-10 people, the awkwardness exists, but people tend to work through it because there isn't anywhere to run, hide and take refuge with their "real friends." maybe?
already i have the negation of this theory in my head.
the other question is, how do we get to a place of security within a community. yesterday, i was in a foul mood on my way to the chicago center. yet, within 20 minutes of entering i was similing so contentedly that i had forgotten why i was upset. but, yet, no one had specifically reached out to me... but there was something i absorbed that just felt good.
Posted by: kari | October 9, 2006 03:04 PM