not always what they seem
I have been learning some interesting life lessons these days. I am not always sure I am experiencing a lesson as it is happening, and sometimes DAYS pass before I am even aware that I am in the process of learning. During that time, it just feels like pain, or sadness, or discomfort. If I were a little girl, I’d probably just be cranky and unsatisfied without the ability to express what is bothering me. Even though I am an adult, I still experience the emotions of that little girl, but I am grateful to have the words and skill to express what I am going through so that people around me don’t freak out.
One of the lessons occupying a lot of my thinking time seems familiar. I have faced it before, I have processed a lot about it before. Yet it is coming up again. It has a lot to do with standing on my own two feet and “holding onto myself.” Yeah—remember that one? Interestingly, I am yet again sitting at Livewire, on Maui, and writing about this life lesson. Wow. How about that?
So, how it is coming up for me now is so interesting. It is all about being solid in who I am and not letting that be overtaken by other people, especially in unhealthy ways. So, if I am spending time with someone who is, for example, very critical of what I’m doing although I feel fine about what I am doing, it is important for me not to be affected by that person’s criticism and to continue doing what I believe is right. Or if, for another example, I am sharing some news about which I am happy with a friend and that friend doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t react in an affirming way, I ought not question my happiness about the news. I ought not take it personally.
Rather, I need to be self-validating. After all, so much of this past year and a half has been about learning to BE myself and LOVE myself and be OK with myself regardless of anything external to me. I’ve been learning to trust myself, to live my life with honesty, to walk my path with integrity. So, why do I feel so challenged by that right now?
Could it be that I’m spending time with a friend who challenges my sense of self because hers is SO strong that it sometimes feels overpowering and doesn’t leave any room (or at least it is my perception that it doesn’t leave room) for another person’s agenda or being? And if that is the case, is that healthy? And do I want to be spending time in this way? Is it helping me in some way?
Yeah – it’s helping me grow. And I know that. And it will help me with self-validating in other ways in my life. It will help me be totally ok with myself and my feelings without questioning myself constantly, and it will help me continue on the path that feels right and true for me even though I may tempted to alter it drastically for the sake of another person. I’m looking forward to learning this lesson here and now…
Comments
yeah... you all rock. seriously. and kari - the "interesting" comment totally brought a smile to my face! keep 'em coming! i learn so much from you all as i walk this path, and it helps me along. peace and love...
Posted by: delara | July 21, 2006 02:35 PM
Thank you so much for expressing your journies so clearly and concisely here. Reading your blog always brings lots of important internal reflection for me. It is always immensely beneficial.
Posted by: Javad | July 21, 2006 01:13 AM
delara,
so much of what you see in others throughout these entries are things I see in myself. That is, the people around you that make you question yourself (usually with the result that you also answer yourself) hold the same characteristics as I hold. (Shoghi Effendi warns us that the greatest tests to the Baha'is will be the other Baha'is... I *am* that other Baha'i!)
So, in reading today's post, I have to agree more with Steve. People don't do things to you. We just do things. This person you are with (or any person you have been with) is not a mentor. This person is living a life in which you happen to be near. She (we) need not be absorbed with, or even paying attention to, your life for your life to be included in hers (ours). Selfish has been turned into a dirty word in the 20th century, and in the 21st, we are just now learning how to reclaim it as a positive.
Your friend is enjoying her life, and is not at a stage to be bothered with yours -- for good or for bad. This is not a bad thing. It simply is. The best you can do is be true to your own life, and be bothered with hers. If your vacation / trip has your lives side-by-side, great. If you need to keep a little distance between the two, regardless of the proximity, that's great too.
One thing I have learned to do in my life is to never set criteria for my success on the behavior of anyone else. From planning a party (don't judge its success by how many show up) to teaching the Faith (don't judge its success by declarations, or acceptances, or agreements), success is in the quality of the endeavor, not the rsponse of the recipient.
I've blathered on enough now. My closing advice: learn to be a little more self-ish. You deserve it.
Posted by: glenn | July 19, 2006 07:31 PM
delara, as you would say...interesting.
there are sometimes i totally feel like i gotta batten down the hatches and just keep it all to myself. because, asking for advice will allow the projection of other people's fears, likes, dislikes, etc. to come over me.
your post made me think, a thought i hadn't had before, no matter how strong another person is, they still aren't me. now... actually being less impressionable is hard.
Posted by: kari | July 19, 2006 06:21 PM
Yeah, great stuff. What I heard was a few things.
First, the struggle between other-validation and self-validation. Second, the struggle between codependency and independence/interdependence.
One of my favorite little credos is: "People don't do things TO me - people just do things"
I think it applies here. If I am in a place of other-validation (or codependency), the outward thoughts or actions of someone will probably REALLY bother me. If I'm in an independent, self-validating place, I may recognize my feelings about it (anger, hurt, sad), but it won't significantly change my affect or attitude. I may or may not choose to share these feelings with that person, depending on what my boundaries are, and what my safety level is with that type of intimacy related to that person.
I think another thing (for me) here is the concept of "acting myself into right thinking", rather than "thinking myself into right action", which is how I've tried to do it most of my life.
The latter simply doesn't work for me. While the "acting into right thinking" is really hard, it actually does work - almost as if I'm rewiring my neuronal pathways in some Pavlovian exercise.
Hm.
So what we're really talking about here is taking the next right action (a loving action for self), feeling my feelings, telling the truth, and trusting God. I LOVE this phrase, because, well - it works when I do it. Sure, the results aren't always what I expect or think that I want - but they are always what I need. Which means God's will is being done.
Dang this is good stuff. D, I love you, and I support your journey - big time. :)
Posted by: Steve | July 19, 2006 05:49 PM
I agree with Patrick, great post. I'm incredibly thankful that you're sharing your journey in such an open, honest way. I believe that I'm dealing with many similar issues these days, and find comfort, guidance and happiness in your eloquence. Thanks!!
Posted by: Andrew | July 19, 2006 12:00 PM
D.
Great post! I have always been a big fan of the "mentor". Think of the Master in Kung Fu, or Yoda. So in reference to your post, think of your friend as your "yoda" and observe her self-validating characteristics, see how you can apply them to yourself, and mix it into your own style. I wish I was in maui right now...
Posted by: Patrick | July 19, 2006 09:51 AM