delara, interrupted

Well, not the dog in *me* - but that's the name of the essay we will be discussing tonight at our monthly gathering. Oh yes - I finished the book The Bastard on the Couch in no time, and I have to say I really loved reading it. For many, many reasons. The writers who contributed to the book were witty, poignant and forthright. Overall, I was so grateful for the insight into the way (at least some) men think about life, love and relationships.

So, this particular essay brought up for me some questions about gender roles and how they fit in today's world. Specifically, I think we find ourselves in an interesting time. We scream for equality and passionately fight for what we believe will create more equal footing for men and women in the workplace and home. Yet in exploring our "feminine side" and "becoming new world women" we still want men to fill what might be considered "traditional" roles. We want to be treated in special ways, to be wooed, to have the man make the first move, pay for dinner, open the door for us, and be responsible for fixing things around the house and taking care of the car. (Oh, and let's not forget bug-catching, my personal favorite.) It seems that we want our cake of independence and equal partnership while being able to eat a piece of the being cared for and doted on pie as well.

That seems confusing to me.

Or... is there something greater to which we feel called but don't yet know just how to put it into application? Is there a deeper awareness of a way in which men and women could interact with equality and synergy – from a place of spirit – that still allows us to feel the human side of relationships (the romance, the courtesy, the special treatment)? And is it possible that we have this awareness but don't know what to do with it? And that in this awareness and not knowing how to apply it we might be setting double standards or creating mixed signals? Are we in fact developing new behaviors that are counterproductive to equality because we're still trying to figure it all out?

One of the insightful observations of the essay is that we are living in a time that forces us to figure it all out anew - without any road map or precedent to help us. We're making it up as we go along, the author (Kevin Canty) asserts. And that makes it difficult, whereas for previous generations, it was easier because for better or worse, at least women and men knew their respective roles.

So, then, I must ask:

• Was it really easier before? Granted, there were limitations, but was it *easier*? What were some advantages to that system of role allocation?
• What does equal mean anyway? What do we think our "bright new future" entails with regard to equality and reason? What might it look like?
• What are some behaviors that support the ideal of equality? What are some things we are doing today that might undermine its establishment?
• The writer asks, "What happened? Where did this idea of equality go off the rails?" And then he proposes that it's kids. Is it really kids that change everything? Is it the homemaker role?
• He makes the argument later that society (American society in particular) doesn't do enough to support the family system and structure. How could it better do so? How could our society better support equality?

Tell me about it.