where to start?
To say that I have a lot going on in my head these days would be the understatement of the year. Yeah, my mind is in constant motion - taking me from one thought to the next in a continual cycle of observing, reflecting, processing, concluding, and questioning. And while this sounds quite glamorous, it is TIRING. And I mean tiring as in I wake up early each morning to the sound of my gears working, and as in I had to take a 3-hour nap this afternoon just to quiet the sound of the gears.
The byproducts, however, can be rather interesting. Most of the time, all my thinking stays in my head pretty much, but occasionally a noise, phrase or question will escape and amuse whoever is around me. Case in point: yesterday on the boat, Deadra and I were laying out on the bow, and apparently I let out a grunt-like sigh. She asked me, "What was that?" to which I replied, "What?" And then I realized I had just thought of something that was troubling me, and in my head I was resigning myself to the fact that I couldn't resolve it in that moment, and as a result I sighed. I said to Deadra, "Oh, I guess I was just thinking of something," and she laughed saying, "Did you realize you did that out loud? Haha!" Yeah - I'm amusing. I amuse people.
Then there's my morning commute during which my thinking kicks into 5th gear and becomes rather random, even though it all seems connected in my own world. A sample:
"Ok, that's the 5th scrap metal truck I have passed within the last 2 blocks. Hilarious. I wonder where they take all that scrap metal. Oh - I have to call Art + Science today to make a hair appointment. Is Helen off on Tuesdays or Fridays? Aw, I love this song... This whole Jack Johnson album rocks. Too bad I didn't get to meet him in Hawaii. I wonder what Amelia is up to today. Oh shoot - I still have to call Me-Shell to coordinate about the surfing retreats in August. I really need to crack the code on what kind of work to do next. What do I want to do? MFA program? Writing? Just take up any old job temporarily? I have got to stop fantasizing about feelings or relationship conditions that just aren't there in reality. How can I shed the fantasy worlds? They just seem so real... I gotta remember to drop the dry cleaning today. Can't these people move any faster? Isn't the speed limit 35? Why are we going only 25? Ack! Ok, be more patient, Delara. Chill. Enjoy the ride. I just don't want to be late. Aw - look at the dad pushing his kids around in a stroller. Love that. Sigh... So seriously, what's with the fantasy worlds..."
And it just keeps going from there. Tiring.
This is exactly why, by the way, being on a boat is good for me. Something about the movement of the water makes my brain stop running for a minute. I appreciate that.
Comments
totally. you feel me on that, sholeh. and actually biking or even working out at the gym help too. totally meditative...
Posted by: delara | July 17, 2005 10:22 AM
Yeah, those stresses manifest themselves differently in different people...
People would always tell me to meditate to relieve stress, and I would get frustrated because it didn't help! Then I discovered that there were two things that were my version of meditation: reading, and biking (much like Andrew's description). Everyone has to find their own way of meditating, too. For you, it seems that being near/on water works, eh? :-)
Posted by: Sholeh | July 17, 2005 12:47 AM
your mental processes transcript was fabulous. looks just like mine would look. :)
also, it's eerily similar to this wanda sykes routine where she illustrated the difference b/w men and women...
when husband and wife lie down at night, the man says "i'm going to sleep," and then he goes to bed. the woman says "i'm going to sleep," and then her eyes shoot open and her brain goes "what am i wearing to work tomorrow? did i feed the cat? i forgot to go to the dry cleaners today? i wonder if i looked fat at the luncheon yesterday..." etc.
frighteningly alike, the brains of fabulous women. :) i know there are some men out there who suffer the same, but i think they're a much smaller proportion of the male population. if you're one of them, andrew, i'm not surprised. you're cool like that. ;-)
so here's to all of our own particular brands of nueroses. :)
Posted by: nas | July 15, 2005 03:29 PM
Delara - impressive. on the meditation thing, i mean. i have yet to learn to work it into my morning routine. so far i just meditate on thursday nights.
Posted by: kari | July 14, 2005 12:45 PM
I went to the dentist the other day, and he informed me that I had a seriously severe teeth-grinding problem (which I knew about, to be sure).
This was a bit saddening to me. I feel so stressed out during the day, and so overwhelmed and whatnot, but it doesn't end when I go to sleep. I'm actually stressed and overwhelmed while SLEEPING. What IS that??
My only solace has been biking. That's the only thing that allows me to concentrate on something other than my thoughts. I try to focus on the way my body feels when I'm peddling, and meditate that way. It works. For me, that is...
Posted by: Andrew | July 14, 2005 10:00 AM
yeah, i actually do meditate every morning, along with saying allah'u'abha 95 times. yet...
Posted by: delara | July 13, 2005 02:35 PM
i was just going to suggest meditation. and then i saw the part about the water and realized you already know what a calm space can do mentally. what about committing to 20 minutes of meditation in the morning, where you would just sit quietly and listen to your breathing. and when thoughts come into your head you'd just say, "that was a thought" and then go back to listening to your breathing.
so far i have yet to actually clear my mind... but at least it slows down.
Posted by: kari | July 12, 2005 11:51 PM
Water is very important.
Posted by: george | July 12, 2005 04:47 PM
Hi Delara! You say it all so well. I have days like that too and when lots is going on, it can be like that for months. My head is constantly "on"! Keep up the good work boating, surfing, enjoying the beauty in the world!
Posted by: Daria | July 12, 2005 02:28 PM