delara, interrupted

As my birthday approaches each year, I slip into a funk. Not because I dread getting older - actually, I enjoy the aging process. Not so much the physical side effects, mind you. A slowing metabolism is hard to fight. But I like knowing that I've lived yet another year, and that most of it has been quite wonderful. I like aging in that way. But it's not about the age. The funk is more about discovering "what I want to do when I grow up," and although I've been growing up every minute of every day of my life, I still don't know the answer. And that frustrates me. And the daily routine of life is just too hectic to allow enough space and silence to adequately reflect on this.

Hence, the funk.

I think it also has to do with the "list" - you know, that list that everyone has of "what I want to accomplish by the time I turn (insert arbitrary age here)" or "things I have to do before I die." I think I had a list at some point, but these days my life and the time that ticks away each day is so focused on the here and now (which has its advantages too - I enjoy every moment of the good times and completely soak them up!) that I seem to not be able to lift my chin to view the horizon ahead. My neck is sore, in fact.

Today at brunch (yes, I have the COOLEST staff in the whole world - they take me to *brunch* for my birthday, not just lunch) Liz asked me, "So what do you want to make sure you do for your birthday?" And I honestly had no answer. And that kind of made me feel sad. What do I mean I don't konw what I want to make sure I do? A picnic by the lake? A trip to the day spa? Time with friends and family? Ice skating? Climb Mt. Everest? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO???

So, I get quiet. And pensive. And perhaps a bit negative, which I don't mean to be. (Sorry, y'all.) And all I want to do is sit at the top of a mountain far, far away and just be, hoping that some moment of inspiration will spark a glimpse of the path ahead and will reveal to me what I want to do.

But all everyone else wants to do is party. And I'm ok with that too - celebrating is good. In fact, it's a damn good mood elevator. And a great way to distract oneself from the reality of not knowing what she wants to do when she grows up.

There you have it. That's the funk. Large and in charge. Sigh...