how can life be so extreme?
Increasingly, I find myself immersed in paradox these days. Highs and lows that seem so completely divergent that I am amazed at how they co-exist. For example, the calmness anyone would observe in my outward presentation and the turmoil within. The successes and praise received at work and the criticism with which I (and others in my personal life) pummel myself daily. The health of my body and the ailments of my heart and mind.
Strange paradoxes. And there are more...
Is it just the tint on the glasses I am wearing? Through which I observe the world? My mother used to describe how life was what we perceived it to be and could totally change before our very eyes depending on the glasses through which we look at it. I am not convinced of that anymore.
Am I just struggling with my own lizard? (See Arya's blog and C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce" for more detail.) With heaven and hell?
The simplicity of long summer days spent outdoors playing eludes me right now. I feel this sense of longing for things past, for another chance, for contentment. And I know, "Ask whatsoever thou wishest of Him alone; seek whatsoever thou seekest from Him alone. With a look He granteth a hundred thousand hopes, with a glance He healeth a hundred thousand incurable ills, with a nod He layeth balm on every wound, with a glimpse He freeth the hearts from the shackles of grief."
I know, I know. And so many other wonderful bits of spiritual truth meander through my head like voices speaking this or that. First one voice starts up and then fades away as a second becomes slightly louder, then that too diminishes to a whisper and yet another voice picks up. Quotes, books, philosophies - it's all there, and it has all contributed toward who I am today. Significantly.
But I don't even know for what to ask anymore. For the paradoxes to be made clear? Uncomplicated? I think I have just run out of ideas and need to escape for a while. Eh?
Appropriately, my "word of the day" today is vicissitude. Just call me Eeyore.
Comments
Hey, honey - I know this is old and I'm just catching up, but I LOVE YOU, girl. Hang in there.
Love, Juliet, nak
Posted by: Juliet | November 25, 2004 07:58 AM
My understanding is that we are not supposed to ever feel settled and 100% content in this physical realm because we are not meant to remain here, our souls are waiting to go "home". hmmmm...??
Posted by: Leila | November 24, 2004 04:14 PM
hey sweets - no, haven't read the book yet, just ordered it from amazon. :) true, what khanum said about service. for me, though, it's a different paradigm with which i am struggling and one i'm definitely up for talking with you about sometime because my instinct tells me that of all my friends you might be able to provide the insight i need. ironically, my service is wonderful and (knock on wood) not as stressful as it has been in the past. however, other areas of my life...
would love to chat sometime soon - perhaps while i'm out of town in the next few days...
Posted by: delara | November 16, 2004 11:33 PM
d- i can totally relate to how you are feeling. i just listened to a talk by Khanum given at the 1953 dedication of the House of Worship (hopefully available through khadem.org soon). in it she talked about how she had finally accepted that she was never going to have rest and contentment. that when you sign up for service, it's a hard road and there is no rest in this life. i think i really needed to hear that because i've been feeling sorry for myself but then i realized that this is what i want and i have to take the good with the bad. did you read the great divorce? what did you think?
Posted by: arya | November 16, 2004 04:53 PM