delara, interrupted

i've been waiting for Pierre's 2 cents, 'cause they're generally so beneficial. i can't tell you how many things Pierre suggested to me last year, over and over again. and even though they didn't click or seem attainable then, over time they became part of my own internal dialogue until one day, i got it - i started to figure out how to create a life that re-inforced my true self. some day, if i get the courage to put a lot of myself out into blogland, i'll write about that re-creation. or maybe i'll just share the experience with a few folks privately...

anyway, this Hidden Word came to mind:

O Son of Being! I loved thy creation hence I created thee, wherefore dost thou love me that I may name thy name and fill thee with the spirit of life.

it's such a cool system to think about - God makes us out of His love for us, when we love Him back (by reading the Writings, meditating, praying, serving, teaching, etc) He in turn fills us with the spirit of our life - until then we're like shells walking around not fullfilling our purposes.

the other thing i wanted to say, is let's get Jean and Bill Harley out here from Minneapolis. i know i tell Delara this all the time - but they've done extensive work in helping people consult with their own true selves. it's fascinating and very down-to-earth. i think our whole community could benefit from a weekend with them.

Dearest D-lara,

I read your blog and we did chat over lunch about it alittle but at some point I went back because I wanted to read it again thinking more about how it relates to my personal life and the twists and turns in my head as well...

One thing I found interesting from what you said about "the mind's reality" is where you related the "adverse affects" to a bottle of medication and how it states that "If you experience any adverse reactions, stop use of this medication immediately and consult your physician."

The part that I feel holds the most weight for me in that statement as I look into my head is "consult your physician" because I couldn't help but relate that to the "Divine Physician", Baha'u'llah. So consult Him. First and foremost.

And as i thought about the part where you felt like no matter how much you forgave this person, it didn't seem to matter and that WAS the "reality", I took a look at myself and thought about that feeling because I know it well and how much I followed it leading me through paths that left me confused and hurt and isolated. And the biggest block in my head was "Why am I hurting all the time??? Why is life so easy and fair for everyone else?" I love this person but I'm tired of getting abused!!! I simply could NOT understand why things were happening to me...But as my life turned in directions "not brought by me":) I had no other choice (that would require living) but to turn to and trust in God. The deepest part about this is how one applies that trust or faith in God on a daily basis without letting the "adverse affects" push us away from our center.

For those who may ask:

Center- the most natural, safest, strongest and healthiest place a person can be in on this earthly plain mentally, physically and spiritually.....I'n my opinion:)

The Writings are beautiful. Because they bring understanding to not only our personal life but life in general. And there just isn't anything like understanding WHY things happen to you. And when you begin to understand why, you are better equipped to handle life because your center becomes deeper and broader and it becomes more difficult for outside forces like close friends and family (people who affect you the most) to remove you from it. And that trust and faith in God lets you continue to love, but from a safer and healthier place where you can keep your center as the main priority in life...

I think that is heading towards an area seldom travelled in this world which is a spiritual reality.. This Path is too difficult for most people and God assures us that we will suffer on this Path...But He also promises us that if we have Faith in Him, we can be truly happy, which is what we wanted in the first place.

My two cents:)

luv u

Ok, I went back and re-read your two questions and will now put my two cents in.
1. Free will = we are responsible for our own spiritual growth and well-being. So, I am not responsible for yours and you are not for mine. You can wish that I might behave a certain way but my free will allows me to act as I wish based on my belief system. If you are upset about a behavior that I may have then it is up to you to discuss that with me, then let it go from your heart, and if I love you and feel that my behavior hurts you then because I am aware of it and because of my love for you I will make a conscious effort to change said behaviour, however, it is still up to me and not you to make that change. So, basically no I don't think it is wishing away his/her free-will only wishing for a change in that person, which in and of itself is wrong...you can only change your perception and your reaction to what goes on around you but never the "other". Make sense?

2. Yes, I think you hit it right on the nose. If something outside of yourself is causing you distress you are giving it power and in a sense putting the blame outside of yourself instead of taking ownership of it. Nobody has the power to cause you unhappiness...only you have that power...and yes, if it is only of this material world than you are stuck in the box called self.

So, these are just my opinions and I love what everyone else has said...it is hard to stay detached and easy to get stuck in our own heads...especially for people who like to be in control...I have a hard time of it too, but try to remind myself that I am responsible for one persons spiritual development in this life and, that is mine.

For Question #1: Maybe what you're asking from this other person is to be loved in a way that works for you, which is totally legit if you're going to continue the relationship. From what I see around me, relationships get even stronger when people agree and commit to learning how to love each other... not just being loving, but letting the love fit the other person's needs. As long, as it doesn't mean compromising something essential about the other person.

thanks, all, for the various comments and thoughts. i am very happy that whatever questions i am throwing about in my head have led to great thinking, reflection and sharing on the part of my friends. so, thank yous!

in all honesty, i remain in a state of question, albeit a milder one these days. and i still would love some discussion on the two questions i pose, specifically - about free will vs. wanting someone to change how they do something or what they do, and about being attached when you feel unhappy.

You know, I used to be very easily offended. Time and experience - specifically the last three years taught me that when I allow someone's actions or words to dictate my reaction I give them power.
So I decided that I would simply not accept the offence no matter how clear I was that it was intentional. I found that I could be much clearer with those who wished to try to maninpulate me and let them know that I saw their game without resorting to anger or unpleasantness.

Interestingly, I think the very types of people you talk about, D, walked out of my life and stayed out. With some, they stayed in the periphery, but I didn't have to manage the relationship, they simply knew that I wasn't fair game anymore and limited their interactions to a zone that was comfortable for both.

You see, I took back the power and released the control. It's much easier than you might think at the outset.

You know who you are. You know what you are capable of. You know your intentions and desires. You own your own responses and can choose your reactions based on your self knowledge. To me, following the guidance of 'Abdul-Baha: "Beware! Beware! Lest you offend any heart." begins with not allowing my own to be offended. Once I've taken offence, I cannot truly show kindness - it is at least part hypocrisy on my part. But if I choose to not accept the offence, then I can be clear with myself and the other about the content of the conversation/event/experience.

To me, this was one of the greatest life lessons I learned during my last few years in Chicago. I cherish it, and hope that it is somewhat helpful to you.

I went to a Conference a couple of years ago and one of the Keynote speakers said something that I will never forget and think about often, that is that we should not only "beware lest ye offend any heart" but we should beware lest we ourselves take too much offense to what others say and be overly-sensitive. In this life you are responsible for one life and one only...nobody around you has any power over you nor you over anyone else...with that said no one should be responsible for anyone else's feelings, we are each responsible for our own and it is way too much of a burden to have to be responsible for anyone else. That is not to say that you should speak harshly to people, you should always act with kindness and integrity, however if the other person takes offense to what you have said, then you should talk to them about it and work through it and then move on. Remember you cannot assume to know what another person is feeling or thinking either.

The moment you ask yourself, "Can I change this person with my love" is the same moment that the relationship has become unequal and that is not fair to one or the other person, which in turn equals judgment. Nothing can change a person but the love of God. You have to let go and not worry about why someone is doing this or that or why they aren't conforming to what you think is right or wrong...it is between them and God and their own belief system...when you love a friend you love unconditionally and it is equal, you let them make their own mistakes and live their own life and you worry about yours, but you are still there to be supportive and offer advice when needed without holding onto it...I think that too often people speculate as to what another person may be thinking or why they did a certain thing that made us take offense without ever asking them straight forwardly so that the matter can be cleared up and let go of. I hope that all makes sense, it's easier to explain verbally than to write it.

D, I think you are going through something with someone that is helping you to grow and take on a new direction in your relationship with this person, which is good. Try to let go and let him/her live his/her own life the way he/her sees fit, however, if you cannot be detached from the issues and if that person brings you down than you do have a responsibility to yourself to pull away until a time comes when you can be in this person's life and be content with it. With growth comes pain but eventually the hurt and pain will spring forth a beautiful life.

As for doing things in your life that you think are meaningful and specific to your purpose in it...it's funny because I tend to do the same thing and I get so excited about doing something such as a new hobby or career or whatever it may be and then after some time I might loose interest in it for some reason...well, I realized that part of that process of starting something and then not seeing it through to the end, is a product of the society in which we live...what I mean is that things in America come very easily and so we don't have to work very hard to get anything but the moment we do have to work at it or something goes wrong we tend to give up...now I am generalizing, but I do beleive that many people in our country have a problem with the follow-through, seeing the end in the beginning...we as Baha'is hear all the time to see the end in the beginning but at the same time we are brought up in a society where everyone gives up at the moment of difficulty...for example, our high divorce rate, drop out rate, overall breakdown of many aspects of society...of course I am simplifying it and I know there are spiritual factors and other material factors that account for the world's problems, but I also see people giving up right when things get tough...I don't discount myself in this generalization either...

One last observation for you D - I think that you are truly over-worked and that you take on A LOT...after a while it is going to wear on you and make you feel unappreciated and discouraged...all work and no play is not good...you have to take care of yourself too...I am a firm believer that you should take time for yourself not just once a week but every single day in some form that makes you happy...even if for 5 minutes of breathing or stretching or chatting to a friend, whatever floats your boat really! Try not to worry too much about things just work on letting go and doing what YOU want to do in your life and in your service!

I know I am truly long-winded!! My parents tell me that all the time with the emails I write!! Sorry!! :-)

Wow! That's pretty clear. Thank you, 'Abdu'l-Baha.

From Page 158 of Selections from the Writings of `Abdu'l-Bahá.

O ye beloved of the Lord! The Kingdom of God is founded upon equity and justice, and also upon mercy, compassion, and kindness to every living soul. Strive ye then with all your heart to treat compassionately all humankind --except for those who have some selfish, private motive, or some disease of the soul. Kindness cannot be shown the tyrant, the deceiver, or the thief, because, far from awakening them to the error of their ways, it maketh them to continue in their perversity as before. No matter how much kindliness ye may expend upon the liar, he will but lie the more, for he believeth you to be deceived, while ye understand him but too well, and only remain silent out of your extreme compassion.

I am only attempting to comment on your closing question (#1) about free will. Abdu'l-Baha in SAQ speaks of the need for a universal educator. Without this educator's teachings mankind would be left debased, animal. This educator's purpose is to teach us, and essentially change us. Through his teachings (and ceratinly his wish) we become more advanced. God has granted us free will, yet I can say with some confidance that He wishes our actions to be more kind, loving and honest. Does that mean our free will is being wished away?

Delara, I hear and feel you... truly. I've been thinking about these things, intensely, for more than a year and just found peace on the subject a month or so ago. These are my first few thoughts, in no particular order, and without MUCH cohesion:

1. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that "The reality of man is his thoughts." So, yes, we create our own reality by how we allow ourselves to think about things.

2. Psychologists often say that feelings quickly follow thoughts, and actions follow feelings - which is I think our feelings can tend to rule us sometimes. We can have a mental reaction to something that is so momentary that we don't notice it, but it steathily triggers overwhelming feelings. Too many of those in a short amount of time and we've got an overwhelming reality.

4. A thought of war can be conquered by a stronger thought of peace... seems pretty straightforward, right?

5. Except sometimes what we assume to be a thought of peace, because it means us being "nice" to someone else, is actually a thought of war towards ourselves, you know? 'Cause sometimes being nice towards someone who is walking all over us means not valuing our right to be treated well.

5. You'd have to look this up, but 'Abdu'l-Baha also warns us against showing kindness towards liars and thieves, because if we don't call their bluff they will keep on keepin' on... I don't know what He says about manipulators... but manipulation has an element of lying.

Bottom line... and this is easier said than done... if you don't feel like you're "seen" by this person, you don't need to worry about them. You see you. I see you. Your friends see you. God sees you. And, you're right, if you just do your thang they will change how they view you. There are people I wrote off because they said one or two condescending things to me. Months later we were best buddies. But them seeing you is up to them, not you.

Okay, sorry, hope this isn't too much for a blog comment. You can delete it if it is too much. It's just, like I said, I've had this stuff rolling around in my head for a year, so I totally sympathize.