deep - well, maybe not so much
I find myself in an interesting state these days. No, I don't mean Illinois. I mean more a state of deep reflection - or maybe not so deep. A state of sincere longing, but I'm not quite sure for what. Which is my normal state in any case. Where am I going? Wha?
I find myself moving in and out of focus mentally - emphasis on the "out." The in-focus moments are fleeting and oh-so-short. And the out-of-focus moments (hours, really) leave me with a feeling of longing. And exasperation/frustration at times. Like those dreams in which you are trying to run away from something but it's as though you are moving through molasses or have 50 pound weights affixed to each of your limbs. Yeah, that feeling. Yuck. Double yuck. It makes you understand why toddlers throw tantrums out of sheer frustration because you cannot understand what they are trying to say in their own special language. I'd scream and throw a fit too.
I know - I'm being vague. That's pretty much what it's like in my head.
So this indicates to me that despite my best efforts to take a few days off to rest - which I madly enjoyed with my girls CharlaMarla and Faithie in Pensacola, even though it rained during our "off" days - I feel the need to book a ticket for me, alone, to some far-off locale with mountains, climb one of those mountains, and sit at the top. For a long time. And just contemplate. And breathe. Deeply. Where do we go from here?
I had several fantastic, dare I say life-altering conversations in the past week or so that have left me in awe of humanity. Particularly women, but ultimately all of humanity. First, with my man Sina. I can never learn enough from this guy. This will probably embarrass him, but he'll get over it. And then with Rebequa. There was something she said, which of course I cannot remember in whole, that really moved me. To tears. It moved me because it spoke to my heart and my heart sighed, "Yes, I feel that." When I can more fully remember, I'll share. I promise.
And finally, Skye. What a triumphant spirit. She is truly an angel who walks this earth. And her tribulations have left her pure, in a way. Pure in the way that a glass is crystal clear and faithfully reflects all the good liquid inside. No spots left from the dishwasher, no scratches - just pure. Good stuff, and very inspiring.
We are all given certain precious gifts - the kind of gifts that cannot easily be learned or acquired. It is indeed a tragedy when we do not allow them to find their full expression because of what others might think or what we perceive is expected of us in various roles or times in our life.
So, I guess I'm longing for fulfillment of sorts. Hopefully that too will come.
Comments
That's VERY interesting! I'd love to hear more.
Posted by: kari | March 1, 2004 10:34 AM
that's exactly it - we spin our wheels and are "accomplishing so much" but really are accomplishing little in terms of our own aspirations and fulfillment. that's totally it! or at least most of it. :)
i'd love to share more with you about the conversation with rebecqua since it likely applies to you as well. the part that stands out for me (i finally remember the gist of it) is if we engage in certain kinds or positions of service for too long, it can begin to impact us negatively, which then feeds negative energy into the service. interesting, huh?
Posted by: delara | February 28, 2004 11:48 AM
thanks for sharing this delara. i don't know if what i feel at the end of most days is longing. but i do feel a sense of being stuck in molasses. in my case the molasses is the hectic nature of most days, all the tasks that MUST be done, RIGHT now. by the time I've gotten through all this urgent, important stuff, there's no more time for my stuff -- the stuff that's going to actually move me forward. this is vague too -- but i feel you on the molasses deal.
Posted by: kari | February 28, 2004 01:25 AM