delara, interrupted

Recently, I have been in a bit of a funk. And that has felt both goofy, as in my fatal memory lapses and clumsiness, and profoundly troubling, as in my anxiety and avoidance of people. I had a breakthrough this weekend though when I realized that at exactly this time last year I was going through probably the worst time of my life with the possible exception of my angst-ridden high school years. I was under such stress and was experiencing such pain last year that I really just wanted to check out of life. Not literally - don't call the psych ward just yet - but I just wanted to step out of my life and into a completely different scenario far, far away from this one.

Thankfully things have changed quite a bit since last year. One could say that my perseverance paid off. One might also say, based on keen observations, that almost all of the huge stressors in my life last year are no longer a significant factor as they have been taken out of the current scheme. Eliminated. Ala kazam! Poof!

But there is something about this time of year that seems to mentally bring back all the bullshit from last year, just not quite as strongly. And I seem to be feeling spiritual or emotional aftershocks. I have remembered and thought about specific incidents or people from last year quite often recently. And it generally causes my body to completely tense up and my stomach to turn over. Ick!

If I dwell long enough in yester-year, I am baffled by the complete insanity of what was happening - that people were just clueless about the totally destructive behaviors they were spilling out all over the place. And I feel disappointed, angry and tired all at once.

And then I think this clever little line I recently read or heard somewhere: "This is a story that doesn't have to happen." (I wish I could credit the source, but alas - my fatal memory loss strikes again.) And my thoughts dissipate, like steam evaporating into the air. Invisible and gone. And I am once again thankful for what is. For the most part.