June 04, 2010

in chicago

I have barely had time to catch my breath (literally and figuratively) during the past few months. Rather than write about all the stress, fun, and whatnot, let me just share these few things:

1. Sometimes the money is not worth the time and effort.

2. There are some very broken people in our communities, our towns, our cities. Sometimes WE are those broken people, and sometimes we are the healers, the menders--if only we pay attention.

3. I REALLY miss having a community of friends surrounding me--especially my girls. And today I realized that I NEED that community to feel like I am living true.

4. Oreo cookies do NOT make everything better.

Tomorrow, Dena, Amber and I will be walking for the Avon Foundation in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Read about it here if you like. And if you're in the area (Chicago), consider coming out to a cheering station and cheering on the THOUSANDS of wonderful souls who are participating in this special event.

March 20, 2010

fasting, days eighteen and nineteen

Well, I ALMOST wrote something every day during the Fast. Yesterday was... BUSY! We moved into our new place, and the day completely absorbed me. Steve and I started early (8am) by staking out a spot in front of our building for our POD to be parked. It was supposed to arrive between 10am and 1pm, and we got a call at about 10:30 informing us the POD would arrive within about 45 minutes. HUZZAH! Our driver was SO helpful and SO friendly. We were very grateful.

But WAIT! There's more!

Steve's parents came by with some goodies for lunch. Once we had a little something, we started unloading some things. Then, our friends Bonnie and Tom arrived to help. Then, Brenda and Joe. Then, Andrew! So, with 8 or 9 people unloading our POD -- with the appropriate noshing in between helping -- we got everything unloaded and up to the apartment within about 3.5 hours! It was AMAZING!!! So smooth, systematic and (dare I say) easy. Yeah, we worked hard, but it was rather enjoyable--which made it seem easy. We have HUGE gratitude for our friends and family who helped us!

Even Mother Nature helped out; the weather yesterday was PERFECT for moving. It was 60-ish, sunny and mild. Oh my! Most importantly, it was NOT snowing, like it is today. HA! Thank you for that, Ma'am.

So, that was my yesterday. After we got everything moved in, Steve and I started unpacking. We got our clothes all squared away in the LARGE closet. Yes, I'm bragging. It's an AWESOME closet. And before we knew it, it was almost 8pm! Wow. What a day!

Needless to say, we were EXHAUSTED when we got home. I had just enough energy to brush my teeth, floss, say my prayers and go to bed.

Today, we got the kitchen done. All day today and yesterday, I thought about how grateful I am for what I have in my life. It's not perfect, and right now things are very difficult underneath it all. But in total, I have a LOT for which I am grateful--starting and ending with our family and friends.

While we make this transition back into a home that is OURS, I have a lot of mixed emotions. Mostly, I am looking forward with anticipation and eagerness; it is so nice to have our things again, to be creating a home for ourselves--a haven, a spiritual home, a place to call "our own." There is a significant part of me, though, that is reflecting with DEEP gratitude on the home we have enjoyed for the last year and a half. Through the joblessness, stress, personal challenges, and so on, Steve's parents so generously and lovingly helped us feel like their home was our home. In particular, I have had such a unique and blessed experience--I have been able to build a lovely relationship with my second set of parents in a way that few daughters-in-law get to do. We have laughed together, we have supported and helped each other when needed, and encouraged each other to achieve our goals and our happiness. We have been, in every sense, a family.

I know that we will never be able to convey the depth of our gratitude for this opportunity--and for the gift of a home when we were not able to afford one. All I can say, as we embark upon a new year, is that I hope we have many opportunities to share our good fortune with others and pay it forward.

Quoting the Digable Planets, it's good to be here.

supply them, then, with that which will profit them

Happy Naw-Rúz!

Praised be Thou, O my God, that Thou hast ordained Naw-Rúz as a festival unto those who have observed the fast for love of Thee and abstained from all that is abhorrent unto Thee. Grant, O my Lord, that the fire of Thy love and the heat produced by the fast enjoined by Thee may inflame them in Thy Cause, and make them to be occupied with Thy praise and with remembrance of Thee.

Since Thou hast adorned them, O my Lord, with the ornament of the fast prescribed by Thee, do Thou adorn them also with the ornament of Thine acceptance, through Thy grace and bountiful favor. For the doings of men are all dependent upon Thy good pleasure, and are conditioned by Thy behest. Shouldst Thou regard him who hath broken the fast as one who hath observed it, such a man would be reckoned among them who from eternity had been keeping the fast. And shouldst Thou decree that he who hath observed the fast hath broken it, that person would be numbered with such as have caused the Robe of Thy Revelation to be stained with dust, and been far removed from the crystal waters of this living Fountain.

Thou art He through Whom the ensign “Praiseworthy art Thou in Thy works” hath been lifted up, and the standard “Obeyed art Thou in Thy behest” hath been unfurled. Make known this Thy station, O my God, unto Thy servants, that they may be made aware that the excellence of all things is dependent upon Thy bidding and Thy word, and the virtue of every act is conditioned by Thy leave and the good pleasure of Thy will, and may recognize that the reins of men’s doings are within the grasp of Thine acceptance and Thy commandment. Make this known unto them, that nothing whatsoever may shut them out from Thy Beauty, in these days whereon the Christ exclaimeth: “All dominion is Thine, O Thou the Begetter of the Spirit (Jesus)”; and Thy Friend (Muḥammad) crieth out: “Glory be to Thee, O Thou the Best-Beloved, for that Thou hast uncovered Thy Beauty, and written down for Thy chosen ones what will cause them to attain unto the seat of the revelation of Thy Most Great Name, through which all the peoples have lamented except such as have detached themselves from all else except Thee, and set themselves towards Him Who is the Revealer of Thyself and the Manifestation of Thine attributes.”

He Who is Thy Branch and all Thy company, O my Lord, have broken this day their fast, after having observed it within the precincts of Thy court, and in their eagerness to please Thee. Do Thou ordain for Him, and for them, and for all such as have entered Thy presence in those days all the good Thou didst destine in Thy Book. Supply them, then, with that which will profit them, in both this life and in the life beyond.
Thou, in truth, art the All-Knowing, the All-Wise. (Bahá'u'lláh)

March 18, 2010

fasting, day seventeen

I have a lot of questions today. I am more in the spirit of fasting today than I was yesterday, although my feelings are no less acute and painful, which brings me sadness. I continue to think a lot about trust, but overwhelmingly, my thoughts dwell on several parts of the Long Obligatory Prayer:

Behold me standing ready to do Thy will and Thy desire....

…do with Thy servant as Thou willest and pleasest.

Look not upon my hopes and my doings....

Also, this line from another prayer attracted my attention this morning:

…cause me to be satisfied with whatsoever Thou hast ordained for me.

Are you picking up the theme of detachment? Good. So, I wonder how many of us REALLY want God to completely disregard our hopes and our doings? Or don’t we, rather, pray for the things we WANT in life? So, what happens when we don’t receive what we want?

Yesterday, I attended a meeting at which the theme was surrendering one’s will to God’s care, and much of our discussion centered on detachment. How do we remain detached from the incidences of life while remaining interested, invested and involved? How can we recognize when we are asserting our own will (or control) and when we are simply doing what needs to be done? How do we remain satisfied with whatsoever God has ordained for us when our life’s events feel painful or do us harm?

I acknowledge that the answers lie within a spiritual framework—that we need only connect with our framework and study our Writings (whatever our religious tradition might be) to find answers. Then, the trick is in the application of what we understand. I have often struggled with this. At a young age—a critical age, developmentally—I experienced tremendous pain within a close familial relationship. It was so painful, that I temporarily severed that relationship until I could figure out a way to maintain it without allowing any harm to my self. (I am not talking about the insistent self or the ego here.) Eventually, I re-established the relationship and built strong boundaries to “protect myself,” but I found the relationship felt shallow. Even today, it does not feel natural, evolutionary, or dynamic to me; rather, it feels scripted, stilted, and draining.

I chose to maintain a relationship where many people would choose to walk away. “I don’t need this in my life.” “This is unhealthy for me.” While I completely (COMPLETELY) respect the choice to leave, that didn’t feel right for me within my spiritual paradigm. To this day, though, I can’t decide if I stayed in the relationship because I was desperate to “make it fit” at all costs (à la the stepsisters in original versions of the Cinderella story) due to perceptions of cultural or religious expectations/definitions of family, or if I stayed because I genuinely wanted a good relationship with this person and because I deeply loved or cared for the person. (I do know that if the dynamics of this relationship existed in any friendship of mine, I would no longer be friends with that person. I would let the relationship gradually fade away. But I digress….)

So, how do we tune into recognizing God’s will? How do we embrace and accept it when it seems grossly at variance with our heart’s desire? Mind you, when I talk about our heart’s desires, I’m not talking about millions of dollars or that something bad should happen to someone we don’t like. I’m talking about compassionate desires like a loving home, or an opportunity to work, or an avenue of service—clearly things in line with “God’s will.”

Altogether, is there a difference between “God’s will” and the things that happen in our life? I suspect there is depth and richness in this last question. It is on this question in particular that I reflect today, and it doesn’t make detachment and acceptance any easier. While I know, deep down, that I need to just accept the lot I have chosen or have been given—no matter how much it hurts me—something self-preserving in me just can’t do it right now.

As always, I welcome your thoughts on this.

give me to drink from the chalice of selflessness

For today, I am succored by this quote:

Make my prayer, O my Lord, a fountain of living waters whereby I may live as long as Thy sovereignty endureth, and may make mention of Thee in every world of Thy worlds. (Bahá'u'lláh, Long Obligatory Prayer, Kitáb-i-Aqdas, p92-98)

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